Recommended by Brendan Keane.
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Recommended by Kate Rice.
I don’t watch a lot of live TV but am glued to YouTube. I watch everything from fishing videos to great fights from the past….currently going through Hagler bouts….what a class act he was.
Of course if ever I were allowed into Alaska… I won’t be… I could build you a log cabin with a corrugated metal roof and a wood burning stove. And if the Canadians did their own thing and didn’t follow their southern neighbours they could let me in to paddle my own canoe through the Yukon. That probably won’t happen either.
But recently I have noticed so many of the YouTube contributors have been having problems with getting lost. All I hear is … I was able to find myself ….or…I need to find myself. Like WTF is all that about. ? Is that the latest buzz words? - like “the reality is…” or “going forward”.
If they want to find themselves then have a look in the mirror …. yep …. that's you right there. I have no need to find myself because I know exactly where I am . . . and I do look in that mirror every day too. I think I was only ever lost once . . . many years ago in the wilds of Donegal. Myself and two friends were given bad directions . . . no Sat Nav back then . . . on our way camping, a different sort of camping than normal but some of you will understand. For an hour we went up lanes and down roads wide enough for a cart. Totally lost, and no mobile phones either then. We knew that where we were to be was four miles outside a particular village but we couldn’t find it either. Then we saw a man cutting turf and we asked him for directions to the village. We started to explain we were lost. As calm as you like he looked us up and down, shook his head, and said you must be the three northerners down for the camping. Gave us exact instructions and we weren’t two miles away.
Did we say after that we had found ourselves or found anything else? Would any of had ever used that phrase….? Methinks not. Methinks also that those “finding themselves” are in the main a bunch of pretentious middle class twats.
⏩Davy Clinton is a life long Glasgow Celtic supporter.
With Christmas Day later this week, the results have thrown up - although some of the judges puked up when they had to decide on the nominations, with the Pharisee Plate, Macho Male Cup, and even the notorious Gobshite Cup hotly contested in this season of good will, or not good will.
The most keenly fought award, The Bare Knuckle Boxing Cup, was snatched by the Ulster Unionist Party, with rumours afoot that party boss Big Mikey Nesbitt will chuck in the leadership towel once again in the New Year, paving the way for a hard-fought contest between the new kid on the block - ex-peeler Jon Burrows of North Antrim, pitted against another veteran, the current UUP deputy leader Robbie Butler of Lagan Valley, a former prison officer and firefighter.
I wonder what my late dad, Rev Dr Robert Coulter MBE, a former UUP MLA for North Antrim for 13 years, would have made of the potential political fisty cuffs in the Burrows versus Butler showdown; that’s, of course, assuming Big Mikey really does decide to quit the leadership role … again!
This was always the most difficult time of year for dad; namely the announcement of the Coulter Awards, which were first launched way back in the Noughties when I was Northern Political Correspondent for the Irish Daily Star.
Because of my, at times, blunt tabloid style of writing, and dad being a solidly evangelical Presbyterian minister, it was not uncommon for dad to get half a dozen irate phones calls before he finished his breakfast complaining about my language.
Mind you, the rival DUP need not be cock-a-hoop at any UUP leadership battle. Given the rival factions emerging within Unionism’s biggest party, the Duppers walk clean away with The Slippy Tit Trophy for their Titanic-style sinking in the opinion polls over the Windsor Framework and Irish Sea Border.
Like the church gossips, the jungle drums are beating out the rhythm that there are four factions within the DUP all vying for control of the movement.
And what of the Shinners … the Duppers’ cosy bed fellows in the rock solid (aye right!) Stormont power-sharing Executive?
Provisional Sinn Fein gets its hands on The Brown Soup Cup for promoting artistic merit, especially in the field of portrait painting, or should that be Cupan Anraith Donn, saying as everyone in Sinn Fein presumably is a fluent Irish speaker.
And what about Alliance? The unanimous decision of the judging panel, who all for some reason, wanted to remain anonymous, was to award the Naomi Long-led party The Soggy Knickers Cup for slowing sinking in the opinion polls. That famous Alliance Bubble is leaking more points than Manchester United, Leeds United and Liverpool in the English soccer premiership.
Let’s not forget about the Stoops who have been gaining a wee drop of points in various supposedly reliable opinion polls throughout 2025. The SDLP can proudly collect The Total Waste Of Time Trophy, proving that being in opposition in the Northern Ireland Assembly is politically futile.
Making an inaugural entry onto the winning podium this year is the Far Left People Before Profit (PBP) party, who just pipped the Stoops for the Total Waste of Time Trophy. PBP walks away with the Let’s Pretend Ulster Is Communist East Germany Cup, by hosting rallies and motions in the Assembly on a range of looney Left wing causes. PBP makes Monty Python’s spoof Judean People’s Front look like a sensible political organisation.
And speaking of lunatic fringe politics, the judging panel was adamant - okay, I ordered them to award Reform UK The Watch You Don’t Fall Off The Spectrum Cup for convincing voters across the UK that Reform is not and never will be Hard Right, Far Right, Radical Right, Tough Right, New Right, or Extreme Right.
Thinking about the Right-wing spectrum in Unionism, I emphasised to the panel - don’t forget about the Traditional Unionist Voice party, that voice of moderate, middle of the road, liberal loyalism.
Another unanimous decision (well, I overruled them) by the panel is giving the TUV the coveted Ballymena Accent Cup for the party’s outstanding support for something packaged as the Ulster Scots language. No doubt in the run-up to the 2027 Stormont and council elections, the TUV will be bending the ear of Stormont Education Minister Paul Givan that the Education Authority should introduce GCSE and A levels in how to speak with a ‘Ballymena accent hi’. What jobs could a person get with a GCSE A* in Ulster Scots on their CV?
Now because I’m a radical Right-wing Unionist myself, some readers may be thinking that the Coulter Awards this year are too biased in favour of pro-Union parties. To dispel this terrible and outrageous allegation, I’m awarding Southern Ireland as a nation The Most Bigoted Electorate Cup for the sectarian abuse heaped on Fine Gael Presidential candidate and fellow Presbyterian Heather Humphreys.
If that sectarian abuse is taken as a benchmark, we Prods could well imagine what awaits us in a Glorious United Ireland.
Speaking of Presbyterianism, the mainstream Presbyterian Church in Ireland (PCI) runs away with a double helping of both The Top Tit Trophy and Pharisee Plate for the safe-guarding crisis which has engulfed - for the time being - Northern Ireland’s largest Prod denomination.
Last week’s hilarious special General Assembly in Belfast to air views on the matter certainly ensured PCI is a worthy recipient of the dubious double in this year’s awards. In spite of voting in a new Pope, the Catholic Church will be livid it only finished runners-up in the race for both trophies well behind PCI.
Okay, I hear the cries - what’s in it for the Green Party? Fear not, Ulster’s Greens have collected The 40 Shades Of Algae Trophy for all their successful efforts in cleaning up Lough Neagh and some of the North’s prestigious beaches.
Heading south of the Irish border again, The Coulter Awards have presented a special trophy to the team which saw Lefty candidate Catherine Connolly romp home in Southern Ireland’s Presidential elections. Its the much sought after Splitters R Us NOT! Cup.
Ms Connolly’s campaign team managed to blend a broad Left team which included Provisional Sinn Fein, the Provos’ political wing, to secure the win of painting the republic red. Wonder how long the Lefty honeymoon will last before the rifts emerge?
And I can’t forget Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil in this year’s trophies. They jointly win The Back To The Civil War Cup as a result of all the political rumblings and rumours in Dublin’s Leinster House as to which party will break ranks in the current coalition to jump into bed with Mary Lou McDonald’s Shinners in the next Dail election - subject, of course, to approval by the Provisional IRA’s ruling army council.
Now, I don’t want readers to think the Coulter Awards are constantly putting the boot into our beloved politicians and parties. So this year, we had planned to launch The Bikini Babe Trophy for the best dressed female elected representative. The Top Ten list has been made. But it’s been cancelled because some folk think this prestigious trophy is too sexist, misogynistic, in bad taste, and don’t get the point of political satire.
However, the Macho Male Cup is definitely being awarded. It goes hands down to Stormont Farming Minister Andrew Muir of Alliance for his sterling promotion of colourful and expertly presented bow ties.
And now, least but not last, the award of the most sought after prize - the totally coveted Gobshite Cup, presented to the person or persons who dole out the most abuse to me as a journalist. This trophy is in recognition of my journalistic life-long, passionate belief in the concept of freedom of speech.
Apart from the usual nonsense that I’m a racist, Nazi, fascist, sexist, looney Right, Bible-bashing, tub-thumping, Thatcherite, Putin-loving, Trump-supporting, Farage fanatic, zionist, fundamentalist nut ball extremist, this year’s Gobshite Cup is awarded to one of the biggest assholes I’ve encountered in my, thus far, 47 years in journalism.
Whilst I fully defend the right of everyone under freedom of expression to critique my work, whether those comments be good, bad or indifferent, I drew the line when the police visited me on two occasions this year to discuss certain comments about me on social media which potentially put my family at risk.
You know who you are and I know, and more importantly the police know who you are, and whilst you are the clear winner of this year’s Gobshite Cup, you are not worth naming and shaming.
But this is the season of good will, so I invite you to join me for tea and a Presbyterian tray bake which will not be spiked by cyanide.
Well, that’s all the awards for this year. My sterling thanks to my fellow judges, who for some unknown reason, stressed that they wanted to remain anonymous and maintain the line - ‘wee Coulter; who?’.
As December ticks away towards 2026, there’s already an impressive list of potential nominees eager to get on the shortlist for next year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-up Cups and Awards. If you’ve been offended in any way by these satirical awards, I’ve just one word for you … tough!
 |
| Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter John is a Director for Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM. |
But in the North where there is little new under the sun about what the cops might do, with restrictions on their ability to shoot nationalists the Pig Service of Northern Ireland has taken to shooting cows.
I am not going to jump on my animal rights soap box and give out about animal cruelty. Not being much of an animal lover, it would merely be virtue signalling - a phrase I used to regard as curmudgeonly nonsense until the wisdom of it eventually reached me. Although, we have always had pets, the responsibility of taking them to the vet to be euthanised when they have just about reached the finishing line has invariably fallen my way. Probably because I am pretty relaxed about the end of life. When there is nowhere else to go then going nowhere peacefully and painlessly seems the best option.
The separate incidents of cowcide took place earlier this year in Tyrone, the site of many gun incidents involving state security services. Back in the day the victims of state violence were said to have made aggressive moves which necessitated them being fired on. One of the cows in question was supposedly acting in a highly aggressive manner. Perhaps that meant that it moved its leg in a suspicious fashion that led to the cop feeling his life was in danger, leading to him discharging his weapon. The other cow was said to be in such pain that it had to be put out of its misery. Many of us who experienced northern policing would find that strange given the pain and misery that the police often took delight from inflicting.
The Police ombudsman's investigation stood over the decisions to kill the animals, stating that police action was in line with the policy for the 'humane destruction of animals.' Progress of sorts in that the cops seem to have moved on from the 'humane' destruction of people. The police gunmen involved had 'followed their training and acted proportionally.', having acted “with care and coordination”.
The public can be reassured that, in these cases, police officers acted with compassion while ensuring the safety of the community was protected.
What a delicious word salad aimed at enhancing the public appetite to be policed and to be killed humanely if the need arises.
A final thought occurred to me that the cops involved might considering moonlighting in the abattoir industry. If so they would not be able to slaughter animals for halal meat. Muslims would not appreciate pigs near their source of food.
 |
| ⏩Follow on Twitter @AnthonyMcIntyre. |
If you’re not a daily visitor to Sinn Féin’s website, or if the site failed to verify that you’re human, you may have missed the latest news:
Sinn Féin spokesperson for the Environment, Climate and Energy, Pa Daly TD, noted that the sun rose today at 6:03am. He said:
Sinn Féin MLA Philip McGuigan remarked that the sun is scheduled to set at 8:46 this evening. The party’s health spokesperson said:
Both party representatives clarified that Sinn Féin does not welcome the rising of the moon.
Sinn Féin spokesperson for the Environment, Climate and Energy, Pa Daly TD, noted that the sun rose today at 6:03am. He said:
I will continue to work with my party colleagues and the wider community, north and south, to ensure that the sun comes up each morning.
Sinn Féin MLA Philip McGuigan remarked that the sun is scheduled to set at 8:46 this evening. The party’s health spokesperson said:
In a new Ireland, it will be important that darkness falls each night so that people may enjoy a long and restful sleep.
⏩ Mike Burke has lectured in Politics and Public Administration in Canada for over 30 years.
- Election Manifesto
- Programme for Government
- Public Commitments
Attendance:
|
Core Subject |
Mark |
Focus for Development |
|
|
|
|
|
United
Ireland |
2/10 |
The
student has singularly failed to progress a United Ireland agenda either within
the NI Executive or the UK body politic. Having only progressed by 1
percentage point since 1998, the student has been awarded 2 points for
perseverance. Despite the monotonous calls for the British Secretary of State
to call a border poll, there is zero indication that one is imminent or that
it would be won. Must try harder and move beyond the embarrassing rhetoric of
proxy organisations. |
|
A
Socialist Republic |
Not
Applicable |
Unable to mark
the student on this core subject as the student failed to mention this domain
in any of the work that has been submitted. While the student did utilise the
word socialist from the podium at the Easter Parades, the reaffirmation of this
fundamental republican creed has not been reflected within the extended
timeframe of this Executive. |
|
Redistribution
of Wealth |
0/10 |
This mark
reflects the commitment shown to tackle poverty as embodied by the
“Anti-Poverty Strategy” presented to the public by an Executive that the
student leads and holds 4 of the current 8 Ministries, including finance and economy.
The student must develop an understanding that many working-class communities
and vulnerable people have not benefitted from the “peace process gravy
train”. |
|
Community
Cohesion |
1/10 |
The assertion
from the head girl that her presence in areas affected by racist riots in
June 2025 would inflame tensions is a tacit acceptance that she is not “A
First Minister for All”. The failure by anyone to challenge her on this
assertion is an indication of how deeply ingrained sectarianism is, in NI
Society. In 2025 we still have
sectarian “no-go” areas. The north also remains the only place on this planet
where racism can actually be sectarianized. Failed strategies to address
racism and sectarianism must be jettisoned and failed “community workers” must
be redeployed. The student must decide if they actually want to tackle
sectarianism, racism and paramilitarism. If they do, then there is sufficient
time left in this term to advance a move away from Einsteins definition of
insanity. |
|
Health |
-2/10 |
The
promotion of a privatised, two-tier health service as the solution to
incredulous waiting lists in the north is without comparison on these isles.
In a policy shift that Thatcher would have winced at, rich people from the
northern jurisdiction can now pay to receive surgery in the southern
jurisdiction, the public purse will be used to reimburse the wealthy. To
promote equality of access to surgery, poor people requiring life changing
surgery can start go-fund me pages or pay loan sharks (income generation).
Points
were deducted from the student for dishonesty. Claiming the credit for the
restoration of (UK) pay parity for health workers in the north can only be
viewed in the context of the student reversing the “Tory austerity measure”
that the student themselves introduced in 2017.
The
student should focus less on populist, short-term Tory policy and more on
supporting the vulnerable in society.
Refer to earlier section on “Socialist Republic”
|
|
Infrastructure |
1/10 |
The student’s
incompetence in building a road from Aughnacloy to Derry is only matched by
their ineptitude in not pedestrianising a road in Belfast City Centre. The
student must make themselves aware of the legislative changes on climate
change that their party supported in the Executive. While no points were
deducted for dishonesty, the student’s failure to conduct public business in a
transparent and open manner does not bode well for an “Ireland of equals”. The
student should focus on referencing its homework against legislation that it
has already submitted. Getting caught out “winging it” is not the hallmark of
good governance. |
|
Environment |
4/10 |
Credit
should be given to the students Government for including action on the
ecological crisis that has gripped Lough Neagh for almost two years. Action
to tackle the poisoning of the source of 50% of the norths drinking water is
now included in the Programme for Government.
However, The manager of the Lough Neagh Partnership has noted that: “all
the political support and concern for the Lough seemed to have evaporated and
disappeared like melted snow”. The
student should reflect on the necessity to follow through on actions that are
agreed in the spotlight of publicity and in response to public outcry. Photo
ops and platitudes are not a substitute for action. |
|
Sport |
Not
Applicable |
The powerlessness
and incompetence displayed by your government in failing to build a football
pitch in West Belfast is the most profound demonstration of your party’s
inability to organise a “piss up in a brewery”. The County Antrim
Board of the GAA is now privately expressing its concern that “project
Casement” was scuppered by Sinn Fein interference which they now feel was
driven by a desire to cash in on a multi-million-pound open air concert opportunity.
The student should instruct “the peoples festival” that it should acquire its own HQ and
concert venues, not encroach upon the needs and aspirations of Antrim Gaels. |
|
General
Comments: |
|
Given that
the student had an extended period of 25 years in Kindergarten and Primary
School, more was expected from the scholar on entering “Big School”. The first
term has been unremarkable in that it was marked by a continuation of DUP and
British Government policy of the 1998 to 2023 era. The school staff had
little expectation that the student would instigate the radical agenda as
promised in their manifesto for “change” and noted pre-roll call that their
stated ambition would exceed their capability. It was not, however,
unreasonable to have assumed that the pre-enrolment promise of “change” referred
to a positive change for the electorate, rather than merely a change to the
flag colour on the donkey. It is
difficult to envisage how the student can improve their grades with only 17
months remaining in their mandate. If the student perseveres with their
adherence to the Twainian maxim that it is easier to fool people than to
convince them that they are being fooled they may yet progress beyond a
single term in long trousers on the basis that they are not the DUP. |
⏩Muiris Ó Súilleabháin was a member of the Republican Movement until he retired in 2006 after 20 years of service. Fiche bhliain ag fás.
First started in 2008 when I was then Northern Political Correspondent for the Irish Daily Star, this specific awards ceremony usually was announced in the week prior to Christmas.
But as I prepare to clock up 47 years in journalism in 2025, militant fundamentalism has always been a thorn in my career flesh during that almost half a century as a reporter with constant admonishment from the so-called Christian theological elite over the decades - mostly because of the tabloid language I would have used in many of my articles.
I had thought of suspending the awards for a year just to give me a break from judgmental church gossips over the holiday period, but now that the festive break is over, its time for normal service to resume!
So needless to say, militant fundamentalists were the runaway winners of The Gobshite Cup for the lobby group which heaped the most criticism on me during 2024.
No matter what I wrote about - Christian music, how to rest on the Sabbath, my views on Manchester City and Tottenham, women’s role in the Church, the ‘fundies’, as they are affectionately known, were to the fore in their damning criticism.
However, as we enter the early weeks of 2025, a lot of these fundies would do well to note the Scriptural advice of Christ Himself in St Matthew’s Gospel chapter seven when He urged the Biblical Pharisees to take the beam out of their own eyes before they took the mote out of others’.
Or, put more bluntly, maybe a lot of you ‘fundies’ need to be careful that in throwing mud, you don’t accidentally dig up a few of your own skeletons - especially on the issue of what musical instruments should be used in Christian worship.
And so to some of the main political awards. The Kick Ass Cup goes to the once election-battered Ulster Unionist Party after last July’s Westminster General Election saw Robin Swann, the former Stormont Health Minister and my late dad’s successor as North Antrim UUP Assembly member, romp home in South Antrim.
Although as usual, no sooner had Robin heralded the UUP’s return to the prestigious Green Benches of the Commons, than the party decided to air its dirty linen in public - yet again - and the internal feuding kicked off once more. Will the UUP never learn?
Talking of hypocritical political behaviour, the rival DUP was the undisputed winner of The Pharisee Plate with its limp-wristed propaganda that its deal on the Windsor Framework had sunk the notion of the Irish Sea Border.
I was hoping to ask the then DUP MP for North Antrim to accept the Plate on behalf of the party, but unfortunately July 2024 saw decades of Paisley dominance of the seat come to a crashing end when TUV boss Jim Allister took the Commons seat.
Its a good job I’m not a gambling person, as I’m old enough to remember as a primary school kid serving sandwiches to a really frazzled defending MP Henry Clark in 1970 when the then UUP standard bearer lost a safe North Antrim Commons seat to a fundamentalist preacher called Rev Ian Paisley.
So I hope the new North Antrim MP, wee Jimmy of the TUV, will be gracious enough to accept The Lover’s Leap Cup on behalf of his party given that it was probably tactical voting by UUP electors in the constituency that saw his promotion from Stormont to Westminster.
Could the TUV now become a 2025 version of the 1970s Protestant Unionist Party as Unionism moves back to a two-party system of the TUV, Hard Right of the UUP and DUP hardliners in one camp, and the liberal woke wing of the UUP plus the traditional pro-Union wine and cheese brigade of the Alliance Party in the other lot?
The Shinners collect The Kids R Not Us Cup for dropping 5 per cent in the recent Dail General Election and once more failing to attract enough young voters to get their paws on either a Taoiseach or Tanaiste post.
No wonder the republican movement’s ruling Provisional IRA Army Council wants more Northern political big guns dispatched South of the Border to bandage up the electoral wounds of Southern Sinn Fein.
As for the Alliance Party bubble, it now seems to be leaking air at a rapid rate, so much so it collects The Slippy Tit Cup for producing yet another one-hit wonder in the July Westminster showdown as Stephen Farry lost North Down after one term, and party boss Naomi Long failed to shift DUP boss Gavin Robinson in East Belfast.
Oh yes, I know Alliance will argue it took the Unionist stronghold of Lagan Valley on a split unionist vote and tactical voting by Sinn Fein, but already I understand plans are afoot for an agreed Unionist candidate to unseat Sorcha Eastwood at the next Imperial election. The Slippy Tit Cup was previous known as The Top Tit Trophy, but for legal reasons I cannot present this specific cup until Christmas this year.
And what of the Stoops; what have they managed to collect in terms of political silverware? The SDLP is the runaway champion of The What’s The Point Cup in pretending to be a nationalist party with no formal merger links on the horizon.
Surely there must be some party in Southern Ireland wants to join up with the Stoops to form some kind of all-island nationalist movement like the Shinners?
What about the Irish Republican Socialist Party, the political wing of the INLA? Would an IRSP/SDLP merger not give the politically pathetic Stoops some much needed muscle? Just a thought!
The expected Leinster House coalition fronted by the establishment parties, Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, collect The Loads of Dosh Cup for their pre-election bid to buy Loyal Ulster with all the give-away cash they’ve been hoarding from the cash-strapped European Union.
Reminds me of the time in the Eighties after the signing of the Anglo-Irish Agreement and the Southern Irish and Yank dosh to fund projects in Loyal Ulster.
Point to ponder - saying as the Orange Order’s ruling body is called The Grand Lodge of Ireland, could all the lodges not apply for this Southern generosity and use it to refurbish their halls and get new banners for this year’s Twelfth demonstrations?
The Dream Team Cup goes unanimously to Reform UK leader Nigel Farage and US President-elect Donald Trump, who hopefully together will end political wokeism and any fluffy bunny theology in churches throughout the UK.
The Hard Left People Before Profit party has asked me what cup it is entitled to. Answer; The Sweet FA Award. I’m a radical Right-wing Unionist and there’s no way I’m wasting any money on a bunch of woke, commie, hippy, still living in the Sixties Trots.
I know I shouldn’t labour the point about how some from the militant fundamentalist community have yapped at me during 2024. So I’m awarding The Gospel Music Appreciation Society Cup to the fundamentalist Free Presbyterian Church of Ulster, founded in 1951 by the late Rev Ian Paisley, for all the denomination has done to promote Contemporary Christian Music.
Some Free P’s have really moved the much-needed debate on what instruments and songs we use in Christian worship to the fore in 2024, although something tells me it may be some time before we see a Christian rock band play in a Free Presbyterian church.
We may only be a few days into 2025, but already the planning departments of local councils in Northern Ireland are putting forward some proposals for this year’s awards. And speaking of 2025, I’ve already made some predictions about what’s happening according to Coulter’s Crystal Balls.
But here’s a few more hints. As well as a Right-wing takeover of the UUP and a Northern coup within Southern Sinn Fein, the fundamentalist wing of the DUP is set for a huge hit.
The Christian Churches will continue arguing over petty theological issues while society goes to hell on a handcart, but The Donald will give the EU a right financial bashing once he’s formally sworn in later this month.
Putin will make an excuse to become the new Stalin and try and provoke NATO into a full-scale war; no nukes please, just biological warfare!
The Fianna Fáil - Fine Gael ‘Buy Ulster’ project will go bust as the Ulster Scots lobby gets a lot of dosh from the South to teach all of us Northerners how to speak in a Ballymena accent.
Alliance will erupt in a nasty civil war between the pro-Union wine and cheese brigade east of the River Bann and the Tricolour Must Triumph republican faction based west of the Bann.
On the sporting front, hopefully another Northern Ireland GAA county team will keep the ‘Sam’ in Loyal Ulster; Linfield will snatch soccer’s Gibson Cup from Larne, and hopefully too, my beloved Gunners can stop Liverpool from clinching the English Premiership.
Even as I write, the militant fundamentalists are already preparing to bring back public executions to have me burnt at the stake as a heretic. Seems they may want The Gobshite Cup renamed as the Don’t Ask Questions About Our Sins Cup 2025.
|
| Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter John is a Director for Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM. |
The next election couldn't come quick enough and Mary Lou McDonald would become the first female Taoiseach since Queen Maeve of Connacht.
What will Mary Lou do when she becomes the first female Taoiseach since Queen Maeve? Wondered the party faithful among themselves.
"She'll mor'an likely send somebody up to Ulster to steal a prize bull," said one. "Like wot Queen Maeve did back in them days."
"Jaysus naw! That would start a war and there's the peace process goin' on up there. You can't start a war in the middle of a peace process. You could get shot for even thinkin' it!"
"I knows that! Do you think I'm stupid or somethin'? I was thinkin' that she could have it stolen from a farmer who's in the SDLP. We did steal all their clothes and nothin' happened!"
"Bullshit!!"
"Mary Lou! We didn't see you stormin' intay the room. Is anyting the matter?"
"Those two ganged up on me again so's I wouldn't get to be the First female Taoiseach since Queen Maeve!"
"It's terrible what they done right enough, Mary Lou. It's misogynistic. That's what it is... misogynistic!"
RINGGG!!
"Shh! It's Gerry on the phone! Hello Gerry how are you?"
"I was thinking Mary Lou."
"You're always thinking Gerry. That's why you're a great leader!"
"I was thinking that it was a bad idea to have a female President of Sinn Féin. I shouldn't listen to myself half the time! Now we're down to 19%."
"That's a misogynistic thing to say Gerry!"
"It would be if anyone else said it. But I'm different, I'm a great leader!"
The great leader continued to speak for quite some time, not knowing that Mary Lou had hung up on him.
She in a last desperate attempt at becoming the first female Taoiseach since Queen Maeve of Connacht drove straight to Micheál Martin's house but he refused to answer the door to her.
The End.
 |
Thomas Dixie Elliot is a Derry artist and a former H Block Blanketman. Follow Dixie Elliot on Twitter @IsMise_Dixie |
Ahhhh, so here we go again.
Just a couple of days to go until the people of Fermanagh & South Tyrone are yet again to take to the polls to see which particular representative is to repress us on behalf of their imperialist masters.
Hearing through the grapevine that there are only two messages on the doorsteps, could we guess what they are?
Knock! knock!!
Good evening, we're just out doing a bit of canvassing.
Yes, i'm registered to vote.
OK, great stuff, don't forget to vote for us as you don't want to see a Fenian take the seat. An IRA sympathiser!!
Yes, OK, but when you're here, what about the state of the healthcare system?
Yes, when we get elected, we will sort everything out.
Thanks folks you always have my vote! (Silently thinking) even tho i'm still living in poverty. Anyways I don't care as long as Ulster remains British and our wee country Norn Iron remains a sectarian cesspit ... Orange poverty is better than green poverty!
Knock! knock!!
Good evening, yes, it's us again. We know we have your vote, but don't forget to turn out on Thursday as you don't want to see a daughter of Harry West elected. This is the seat of Bobby Sands.
OK, but your party has held that seat numerous times, but what have you done with it? Ehhhh 
Look at our rural towns! Doctors surgeries closing, towns like here in Lisnaskea, who had 3 banks now have no bank. The roads are horrendous, yet road tax increases every year....
Emmmm, that is the Tories' fault.
Ok, but you implement Tory policies and have for decades been endorsing neo liberal Thatcherite austerity.
We don't really know what you mean as we're just canvassers. But all that will be sorted in the new agreed Ireland. Ye know the one we're discussing on podiums with civic nationalism?!
Ahhh, OK, you have my vote. Just a thought!
What if people actually voted according to their class interests and we had politicians who managed the country on behalf of the people who live in it instead of managing it on behalf of the exploiter vulture class?
Are the above paragraphs what James Connolly meant when he stated ruling by fooling is a great English art with great Irish fools to practice on? Time
For An Alternative To The Failed Representative Democracy Style Of Top Down
Politics!!
So don't say you didn't know!
Join Constance and Ernesto.
They take a look at some of the characters recently elected to local government in Ireland.
Well, what a bagful of goodies Santa has brought you - namely, the results of the 14th annual very irreverent, downright rude and totally satirical Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups and Awards for 2023.
The Top Tit Trophy goes to the DUP for failing to jump at the almost £4 billion boost from Westminster to kick start the Stormont Executive and ensure the hard-pressed workers and those struggling with the cost of living crisis had a pleasant Christmas.
Let’s face reality; forget all the DUP spin about wanting to get the right deal for Northern Ireland and that talks were not over and there’s still wriggle room to make changes to the Windsor Framework.
The real reason the DUP wouldn’t trigger a pre-Christmas Executive relates to the splits in the party and the backlash from hardliners in the TUV and extreme loyalism. It’s amazing what a wee poster can do!
Significantly, there’s no messing about with the rapidly declining Ulster Unionist Party - it collects The Asshole or Elbow Plate for having policies which no one understands what the UUP now stands for! Will the UUP go into opposition if there’s a new Executive, or take up a ministerial post? It is a liberal unionist movement, or socially progressive … and so the list of confusing policies goes on and on.
And as for the Shinners, they march away with the Satan Under The Sofa Shield - sponsored this year by the North Korean Positive Thinking Department - for Sinn Fein’s ability to totally rewrite Irish history leaving out the ‘RA and clamping down on any media outlets which dare to criticise the political wing of the republican movement.
Mind you, the militant wing of Christian fundamentalism pushed the Shinners all the way for this award. A section of the so-called street preaching fraternity have taken up the theological cudgels left behind by 1950s American McCarthyism; its no longer Reds under the bed, but militant fundamentalists are now seeing satanic plots and deceptions in every aspect aspect of life - have you tried looking in the mirror lately, lads?
And what of the poor Stoops? Has the party with no seats in any future Stormont Executive managed to feature this year? Yup, the SDLP does! By a squeak, the party scooped the Crumbs in the Barrel Cup for its disastrous showing in council elections this year, losing seats hand over fist to the Shinners. Makes you wonder, what’s the point of the SDLP. Indeed, after next year’s expected Westminster General Election, there may not be a decent Stoop party of any influence. Looks like the Foyle seat is already a goner!
And there’s a special award for the TUV, but it is only getting this cup as I don’t want any ‘sell-out’ posters plastered outside my home! This vote transfer unfriendly movement picks up The Spitting Feathers Plate for having the most positive policies as to how Northern Ireland should move forward as a community. I actually couldn’t find them, but as I say, I don’t want the hard lads in the middle of the night decorating my street lamps.
As the middle ground Alliance Party, it rolls home with the Avoid Pressing the Nuclear Button Shield for constantly dodging the question how it would vote in the event of a border poll. If my schoolboy geography is correct, east of the River Bann, it is Orange Alliance to get unionist transfers, and west of the Bann, it’s Green Alliance to soak up nationalist transfers.
Naturally, the Conservative party runs away with The Thick as Pig S-H One T Trophy for its sheer brilliance in converting an 80-seat plus Commons majority in the last General Election to a place where it is now facing electoral oblivion in a single Parliamentary term. What was a satirical jibe on the Alas show, namely a new Tory Party led by BoJo and Nigel Farage could be the only option in the future, otherwise the UK is looking at a Labour administration in power for possible a generation.
And this year’s Booby Prize goes to the struggling Dail coalition government of Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael for off-loading millions of pounds into Northern Ireland before the Shinners get their hands on a social housing budget and bankrupt the South within five years.
And being a preacher’s kid, no awards ceremony would be complete without something for religious folk and The Blasphemy and Heretics Memorial Cup is won jointly this year by the militant fringe of the pro-life movement and the ultra Right-wing faction of the militant fundamentalist street preacher movement.
As a Presbyterian minister’s son married to a Baptist pastor’s daughter, I was brought up on a diet of sensible and responsible open air Christian evangelism. But the strategies of both these joint winners have resulted in draconian laws having to be implemented in terms of licences for preaching on streets and safe access zones at health clinics.
The problem is that these laws and by-laws will affect all Christians, not just the lunatic fringes, who want to use open air evangelism as a means of preaching the Gospel or defending the rights of the unborn.
And so we come to the most prestigious of all - The Gobshite Cup - dedicated to those who criticise me the most as I’m a great believer in the freedom of the Press and in freedom of expression.
In spite of all the ‘shite pumping’ (sorry, that should read informed political comment!) about my published and broadcast work, The Gobshite Cup for 2023 goes to my co-host, Mattie James, on the new political satire radio show, Alas Coulter And James, which is broadcast on Sundays.
The amount of name-calling he’s heaped on me makes the horrors of growing up as a teenage minister’s son in the Seventies in the heartland of the north east Ulster Bible Belt pale into insignificance.
Most Sundays in the New Year, we’ll be on air in the North Coast from 1 pm and in the Newry, Portadown and ABC council region from 2 pm. Here’s the link.
A word of warning - this is not for the woke, fainthearted, or easily offended. It’s hard-hitting, edge of the knuckle political satire as at the age of 64, I really have become a grumpy old git!
Enjoy your turkey dinners. Even before I get to dessert, I’ve already received nominations for the 2024 awards from a right bunch of assholes (apologies, that should read experienced political activists and religious campaigners).
The Top Tit Trophy goes to the DUP for failing to jump at the almost £4 billion boost from Westminster to kick start the Stormont Executive and ensure the hard-pressed workers and those struggling with the cost of living crisis had a pleasant Christmas.
Let’s face reality; forget all the DUP spin about wanting to get the right deal for Northern Ireland and that talks were not over and there’s still wriggle room to make changes to the Windsor Framework.
The real reason the DUP wouldn’t trigger a pre-Christmas Executive relates to the splits in the party and the backlash from hardliners in the TUV and extreme loyalism. It’s amazing what a wee poster can do!
Significantly, there’s no messing about with the rapidly declining Ulster Unionist Party - it collects The Asshole or Elbow Plate for having policies which no one understands what the UUP now stands for! Will the UUP go into opposition if there’s a new Executive, or take up a ministerial post? It is a liberal unionist movement, or socially progressive … and so the list of confusing policies goes on and on.
And as for the Shinners, they march away with the Satan Under The Sofa Shield - sponsored this year by the North Korean Positive Thinking Department - for Sinn Fein’s ability to totally rewrite Irish history leaving out the ‘RA and clamping down on any media outlets which dare to criticise the political wing of the republican movement.
Mind you, the militant wing of Christian fundamentalism pushed the Shinners all the way for this award. A section of the so-called street preaching fraternity have taken up the theological cudgels left behind by 1950s American McCarthyism; its no longer Reds under the bed, but militant fundamentalists are now seeing satanic plots and deceptions in every aspect aspect of life - have you tried looking in the mirror lately, lads?
And what of the poor Stoops? Has the party with no seats in any future Stormont Executive managed to feature this year? Yup, the SDLP does! By a squeak, the party scooped the Crumbs in the Barrel Cup for its disastrous showing in council elections this year, losing seats hand over fist to the Shinners. Makes you wonder, what’s the point of the SDLP. Indeed, after next year’s expected Westminster General Election, there may not be a decent Stoop party of any influence. Looks like the Foyle seat is already a goner!
And there’s a special award for the TUV, but it is only getting this cup as I don’t want any ‘sell-out’ posters plastered outside my home! This vote transfer unfriendly movement picks up The Spitting Feathers Plate for having the most positive policies as to how Northern Ireland should move forward as a community. I actually couldn’t find them, but as I say, I don’t want the hard lads in the middle of the night decorating my street lamps.
As the middle ground Alliance Party, it rolls home with the Avoid Pressing the Nuclear Button Shield for constantly dodging the question how it would vote in the event of a border poll. If my schoolboy geography is correct, east of the River Bann, it is Orange Alliance to get unionist transfers, and west of the Bann, it’s Green Alliance to soak up nationalist transfers.
Naturally, the Conservative party runs away with The Thick as Pig S-H One T Trophy for its sheer brilliance in converting an 80-seat plus Commons majority in the last General Election to a place where it is now facing electoral oblivion in a single Parliamentary term. What was a satirical jibe on the Alas show, namely a new Tory Party led by BoJo and Nigel Farage could be the only option in the future, otherwise the UK is looking at a Labour administration in power for possible a generation.
And this year’s Booby Prize goes to the struggling Dail coalition government of Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael for off-loading millions of pounds into Northern Ireland before the Shinners get their hands on a social housing budget and bankrupt the South within five years.
And being a preacher’s kid, no awards ceremony would be complete without something for religious folk and The Blasphemy and Heretics Memorial Cup is won jointly this year by the militant fringe of the pro-life movement and the ultra Right-wing faction of the militant fundamentalist street preacher movement.
As a Presbyterian minister’s son married to a Baptist pastor’s daughter, I was brought up on a diet of sensible and responsible open air Christian evangelism. But the strategies of both these joint winners have resulted in draconian laws having to be implemented in terms of licences for preaching on streets and safe access zones at health clinics.
The problem is that these laws and by-laws will affect all Christians, not just the lunatic fringes, who want to use open air evangelism as a means of preaching the Gospel or defending the rights of the unborn.
And so we come to the most prestigious of all - The Gobshite Cup - dedicated to those who criticise me the most as I’m a great believer in the freedom of the Press and in freedom of expression.
In spite of all the ‘shite pumping’ (sorry, that should read informed political comment!) about my published and broadcast work, The Gobshite Cup for 2023 goes to my co-host, Mattie James, on the new political satire radio show, Alas Coulter And James, which is broadcast on Sundays.
The amount of name-calling he’s heaped on me makes the horrors of growing up as a teenage minister’s son in the Seventies in the heartland of the north east Ulster Bible Belt pale into insignificance.
Most Sundays in the New Year, we’ll be on air in the North Coast from 1 pm and in the Newry, Portadown and ABC council region from 2 pm. Here’s the link.
A word of warning - this is not for the woke, fainthearted, or easily offended. It’s hard-hitting, edge of the knuckle political satire as at the age of 64, I really have become a grumpy old git!
Enjoy your turkey dinners. Even before I get to dessert, I’ve already received nominations for the 2024 awards from a right bunch of assholes (apologies, that should read experienced political activists and religious campaigners).
|
Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter Listen to commentator Dr John Coulter’s programme, Call In Coulter, every Saturday morning around 10.15 am on Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM. Listen online. |
Dixie Elliot ✍ Ryan Tubridy's new agent, Danny Healy-Rae, has told an RTÉ News reporter that he has applied for the vacant newsreader's job with BBC.
Healy-Rea said that Ryan Tubridy isn't available for comment at present as he doesn't know yet that he's his new agent and that he applied for the job without telling Tubridy.
"Would you be havin' a pint with me before you be on your way?" Healy-Rea asked the reporter.
"I will indeed, thank you."
"Then it's your round, that'll be €150!" said Healy-Rea.
"A €150? That's a bit steep for two pints!"
"It's traditional that new-comers buy everyone a drink in this pub." said Healy-Rea.
"But there's only you and me here!"
"Ah now, don't you worry a thing about it, I'll see to it that everyone else gets a pint when I open the bar... Will you be havin' a wee whiskey with that pint?"
"F*ck no!"
|
Thomas Dixie Elliot is a Derry artist and a former H Block Blanketman. Follow Dixie Elliot on Twitter @IsMise_Dixie |
The day before the Last Days everyone will be on Facebook posting photos of the giant meteorite hurtling towards the earth wondering will it hit down around Sydney Australia or in the Shantallow area of Derry.
The day after the Last Days the last person left on earth will still be on Facebook tagging all their friends to see if they heard any craic about the end of the world and if it was all a mix.
Of course, no one will respond and 28 days later this Omega Person will start sending out friend requests to people across the world.
Twenty-eight years later, someone finally accepts a friend request from the Omega Person but that other person is still using a fake name.
"Hi Kissmyass, it's amazing to find another friend on Facebook who's still alive after all these years. What's your real name?"
"Oh I can't tell you that, you could be working for the dole."
"When was the last time you got any dole Kissmyass?"
"I forget now, but I know I'll be getting a lot of back money. Anyway, I see your name is Sausage Doherty. Are you from Londonderry?"
"It's Derry... Up the RA!
....Fucksake, Kissmyarse just blocked me... well two of us can play at that game, I'll block him straight back."
The End. . . .
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Thomas Dixie Elliot is a Derry artist and a former H Block Blanketman. Follow Dixie Elliot on Twitter @IsMise_Dixie |
Now in their 13th year, these are the gongs everyone in politics and religion craves, although the looney ultra-fundamentalist wing of the Christian faith will probably want me as a diehard Presbyterian burnt at the stake as a witch.
The DUP collects the Top Tit Trophy for the second successive year for failing to nominate an Assembly Speaker, thereby enabling the much-needed Executive to be formed in the midst of a cost of living crisis.
The Tories ran the Duppers a close second, copying the latter’s ‘three leaders in a year’ tactic as the internal Conservative rebellion produced three British Prime Ministers in the space of three months.
As for the rival Ulster Unionists, they snatch the Whingeing Cup for telling humans not to whine like folk, people, constituents, audience … just don’t mention the word ‘girl.’
The Up The RA Plate goes to the Shinners for now trying to airbrush the Provos completely out of history as part of Sinn Fein’s cunning plan to present the party as a dark green version of the rapidly crumbling Stoops.
And speaking of the SDLP, it picks up the ‘What’s The Point Of This Party’ Cup after the disastrous May Stormont election saw the Stoops lose their sole Executive Minister.
Maybe Stoop boss Comrade Colum’s New Year resolution could be to announce a formal merger with the Irish Labour Party and ditch the ‘SD’ bit of the title.
The late former West Belfast Westminster MP Gerry Fitt would be so proud as a founding father of the Stoops if the party went back to its socialist labour roots. It might even attract more Prod votes in the same way as the old Northern Ireland Labour Party achieved before the proroguing the original Stormont Parliament in 1972.
And talking of mergers, The Civil War Cuddle Up Cup (also known as the Panic Plate) goes to the Fianna Fáil/Fine Gael coalition in the Dail as they desperately try to concoct some kind of policy which will prevent Shinner boss Mary Lou McDonald from becoming the South’s next Taoiseach following a future Leinster House General Election.
Mind you, as the past couple of years have witnessed commemorations to mark the centenary of the Irish Civil War in the 1920s, it should be noted that the pro-Treaty Free State army executed more anti-Treaty IRA members than were killed by the British in the previous War of Independence.
Makes you wonder how long the Troubles would have lasted if the British and Irish governments had adopted the strategy of the Free Staters and put convicted terrorists up against a wall and shot them?
And a special award must go to the hardline loyalist Traditional Unionist Voice (TUV) party.
It collects The Nobody Loves Us Cup for notching up around 66,000 first preference votes in May’s Stormont poll, yet could only muster one seat. Maybe Harry and Megan could use their PR skills to help the party up its councillors in the expected 2023 council elections.
Speaking of the Sussexes, after their nauseating Netflix series, they pick up the Traitors Trophy for single handedly demolishing the monarchy. Then again, as an ardent monarchist myself, perhaps I’m not the best judge to award this to the Sussexes. The Tower of London would be a better home for them if they ever decide to return to the UK.
The Please Bog Off And Leave Us Alone Plate goes handsomely to the European Union, which doesn’t seem to be able to accept the result of the Brexit referendum in the UK. It’s simple, EU - we’re gone! And to mis-quote one former Sinn Fein Northern Ireland MEP, the EU can stick the Protocol where … well, you know the rest of the phrase!
The Pharisee Plate goes to that section of the anti-vaxxer movement who peddle the myth that the Covid vaccine was made from the foetus of an aborted baby. Those specific anti-vaxxers should try going to a concert by the hard-hitting comedian Jimmy Carr and push that agenda!
And so to the ultimate prize - The Gobshite Cup. I normally award this to the person, people or organisations which are the most critical of my work as a journalist as I’m a great believer in the freedom of the Press and people’s rights to democratically express their opinion.
But this year, I’m giving it to a section of the ultra fundamentalist street preachers who use public address systems to target sections of the community with their ‘Turn or Burn’ strategy.
As the son of a Presbyterian minister married to a daughter of a Baptist pastor, I’ve been brought up on a diet of open air evangelism and I fondly remember the summer months when the Clough and Killymurris Presbyterian Youth Fellowship would spend Sunday evenings in an open air witness on the green area of a local housing development.
But I don’t ever recall us having to resort to the ‘in your face’ tactics of some of these so-called street preachers. As a born-again Christian myself for some 50 years, I’ve always believed the conversational approach is one of the best methods of open air evangelical Christian witness, not yelling into a microphone.
However, a section of these ‘street preachers’ will take the view that because of the growing secularism in society, it is necessary to use such shock ‘Turn or Burn’ tactics to get the Christian message across to the community. I strongly beg to differ given my own personal experience of open air witness.
The real danger is that the ‘OTT’ antics of a few of these ‘street preachers’ will end up in all open air evangelists being tarred with the same brush and draconian laws introduced which will greatly inhibit the preaching of the Gospel message.
The perception that some of these ‘street preachers’ give is that they are purely attention seekers, hell-bent on getting themselves arrested so that they can portray themselves as modern day versions of the famous early Christian martyr, Stephen.
Its days away from 2023, and already there’s an impressive bunch of nominees gathering for next year’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups. Keep an eye, too, for my predictions for 2023.
|
Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter Listen to commentator Dr John Coulter’s programme, Call In Coulter, every Saturday morning around 10.15 am on Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM. Listen online. |
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