With Christmas Day later this week, the results have thrown up - although some of the judges puked up when they had to decide on the nominations, with the Pharisee Plate, Macho Male Cup, and even the notorious Gobshite Cup hotly contested in this season of good will, or not good will.
The most keenly fought award, The Bare Knuckle Boxing Cup, was snatched by the Ulster Unionist Party, with rumours afoot that party boss Big Mikey Nesbitt will chuck in the leadership towel once again in the New Year, paving the way for a hard-fought contest between the new kid on the block - ex-peeler Jon Burrows of North Antrim, pitted against another veteran, the current UUP deputy leader Robbie Butler of Lagan Valley, a former prison officer and firefighter.
I wonder what my late dad, Rev Dr Robert Coulter MBE, a former UUP MLA for North Antrim for 13 years, would have made of the potential political fisty cuffs in the Burrows versus Butler showdown; that’s, of course, assuming Big Mikey really does decide to quit the leadership role … again!
This was always the most difficult time of year for dad; namely the announcement of the Coulter Awards, which were first launched way back in the Noughties when I was Northern Political Correspondent for the Irish Daily Star.
Because of my, at times, blunt tabloid style of writing, and dad being a solidly evangelical Presbyterian minister, it was not uncommon for dad to get half a dozen irate phones calls before he finished his breakfast complaining about my language.
Mind you, the rival DUP need not be cock-a-hoop at any UUP leadership battle. Given the rival factions emerging within Unionism’s biggest party, the Duppers walk clean away with The Slippy Tit Trophy for their Titanic-style sinking in the opinion polls over the Windsor Framework and Irish Sea Border.
Like the church gossips, the jungle drums are beating out the rhythm that there are four factions within the DUP all vying for control of the movement.
And what of the Shinners … the Duppers’ cosy bed fellows in the rock solid (aye right!) Stormont power-sharing Executive?
Provisional Sinn Fein gets its hands on The Brown Soup Cup for promoting artistic merit, especially in the field of portrait painting, or should that be Cupan Anraith Donn, saying as everyone in Sinn Fein presumably is a fluent Irish speaker.
And what about Alliance? The unanimous decision of the judging panel, who all for some reason, wanted to remain anonymous, was to award the Naomi Long-led party The Soggy Knickers Cup for slowing sinking in the opinion polls. That famous Alliance Bubble is leaking more points than Manchester United, Leeds United and Liverpool in the English soccer premiership.
Let’s not forget about the Stoops who have been gaining a wee drop of points in various supposedly reliable opinion polls throughout 2025. The SDLP can proudly collect The Total Waste Of Time Trophy, proving that being in opposition in the Northern Ireland Assembly is politically futile.
Making an inaugural entry onto the winning podium this year is the Far Left People Before Profit (PBP) party, who just pipped the Stoops for the Total Waste of Time Trophy. PBP walks away with the Let’s Pretend Ulster Is Communist East Germany Cup, by hosting rallies and motions in the Assembly on a range of looney Left wing causes. PBP makes Monty Python’s spoof Judean People’s Front look like a sensible political organisation.
And speaking of lunatic fringe politics, the judging panel was adamant - okay, I ordered them to award Reform UK The Watch You Don’t Fall Off The Spectrum Cup for convincing voters across the UK that Reform is not and never will be Hard Right, Far Right, Radical Right, Tough Right, New Right, or Extreme Right.
Thinking about the Right-wing spectrum in Unionism, I emphasised to the panel - don’t forget about the Traditional Unionist Voice party, that voice of moderate, middle of the road, liberal loyalism.
Another unanimous decision (well, I overruled them) by the panel is giving the TUV the coveted Ballymena Accent Cup for the party’s outstanding support for something packaged as the Ulster Scots language. No doubt in the run-up to the 2027 Stormont and council elections, the TUV will be bending the ear of Stormont Education Minister Paul Givan that the Education Authority should introduce GCSE and A levels in how to speak with a ‘Ballymena accent hi’. What jobs could a person get with a GCSE A* in Ulster Scots on their CV?
Now because I’m a radical Right-wing Unionist myself, some readers may be thinking that the Coulter Awards this year are too biased in favour of pro-Union parties. To dispel this terrible and outrageous allegation, I’m awarding Southern Ireland as a nation The Most Bigoted Electorate Cup for the sectarian abuse heaped on Fine Gael Presidential candidate and fellow Presbyterian Heather Humphreys.
If that sectarian abuse is taken as a benchmark, we Prods could well imagine what awaits us in a Glorious United Ireland.
Speaking of Presbyterianism, the mainstream Presbyterian Church in Ireland (PCI) runs away with a double helping of both The Top Tit Trophy and Pharisee Plate for the safe-guarding crisis which has engulfed - for the time being - Northern Ireland’s largest Prod denomination.
Last week’s hilarious special General Assembly in Belfast to air views on the matter certainly ensured PCI is a worthy recipient of the dubious double in this year’s awards. In spite of voting in a new Pope, the Catholic Church will be livid it only finished runners-up in the race for both trophies well behind PCI.
Okay, I hear the cries - what’s in it for the Green Party? Fear not, Ulster’s Greens have collected The 40 Shades Of Algae Trophy for all their successful efforts in cleaning up Lough Neagh and some of the North’s prestigious beaches.
Heading south of the Irish border again, The Coulter Awards have presented a special trophy to the team which saw Lefty candidate Catherine Connolly romp home in Southern Ireland’s Presidential elections. Its the much sought after Splitters R Us NOT! Cup.
Ms Connolly’s campaign team managed to blend a broad Left team which included Provisional Sinn Fein, the Provos’ political wing, to secure the win of painting the republic red. Wonder how long the Lefty honeymoon will last before the rifts emerge?
And I can’t forget Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil in this year’s trophies. They jointly win The Back To The Civil War Cup as a result of all the political rumblings and rumours in Dublin’s Leinster House as to which party will break ranks in the current coalition to jump into bed with Mary Lou McDonald’s Shinners in the next Dail election - subject, of course, to approval by the Provisional IRA’s ruling army council.
Now, I don’t want readers to think the Coulter Awards are constantly putting the boot into our beloved politicians and parties. So this year, we had planned to launch The Bikini Babe Trophy for the best dressed female elected representative. The Top Ten list has been made. But it’s been cancelled because some folk think this prestigious trophy is too sexist, misogynistic, in bad taste, and don’t get the point of political satire.
However, the Macho Male Cup is definitely being awarded. It goes hands down to Stormont Farming Minister Andrew Muir of Alliance for his sterling promotion of colourful and expertly presented bow ties.
And now, least but not last, the award of the most sought after prize - the totally coveted Gobshite Cup, presented to the person or persons who dole out the most abuse to me as a journalist. This trophy is in recognition of my journalistic life-long, passionate belief in the concept of freedom of speech.
Apart from the usual nonsense that I’m a racist, Nazi, fascist, sexist, looney Right, Bible-bashing, tub-thumping, Thatcherite, Putin-loving, Trump-supporting, Farage fanatic, zionist, fundamentalist nut ball extremist, this year’s Gobshite Cup is awarded to one of the biggest assholes I’ve encountered in my, thus far, 47 years in journalism.
Whilst I fully defend the right of everyone under freedom of expression to critique my work, whether those comments be good, bad or indifferent, I drew the line when the police visited me on two occasions this year to discuss certain comments about me on social media which potentially put my family at risk.
You know who you are and I know, and more importantly the police know who you are, and whilst you are the clear winner of this year’s Gobshite Cup, you are not worth naming and shaming.
But this is the season of good will, so I invite you to join me for tea and a Presbyterian tray bake which will not be spiked by cyanide.
Well, that’s all the awards for this year. My sterling thanks to my fellow judges, who for some unknown reason, stressed that they wanted to remain anonymous and maintain the line - ‘wee Coulter; who?’.
As December ticks away towards 2026, there’s already an impressive list of potential nominees eager to get on the shortlist for next year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-up Cups and Awards. If you’ve been offended in any way by these satirical awards, I’ve just one word for you … tough!
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| Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter John is a Director for Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM. |
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