Recommended by Brendan Keane.
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Recommended by Kate Rice.
I don’t watch a lot of live TV but am glued to YouTube. I watch everything from fishing videos to great fights from the past….currently going through Hagler bouts….what a class act he was.
Of course if ever I were allowed into Alaska… I won’t be… I could build you a log cabin with a corrugated metal roof and a wood burning stove. And if the Canadians did their own thing and didn’t follow their southern neighbours they could let me in to paddle my own canoe through the Yukon. That probably won’t happen either.
But recently I have noticed so many of the YouTube contributors have been having problems with getting lost. All I hear is … I was able to find myself ….or…I need to find myself. Like WTF is all that about. ? Is that the latest buzz words? - like “the reality is…” or “going forward”.
If they want to find themselves then have a look in the mirror …. yep …. that's you right there. I have no need to find myself because I know exactly where I am . . . and I do look in that mirror every day too. I think I was only ever lost once . . . many years ago in the wilds of Donegal. Myself and two friends were given bad directions . . . no Sat Nav back then . . . on our way camping, a different sort of camping than normal but some of you will understand. For an hour we went up lanes and down roads wide enough for a cart. Totally lost, and no mobile phones either then. We knew that where we were to be was four miles outside a particular village but we couldn’t find it either. Then we saw a man cutting turf and we asked him for directions to the village. We started to explain we were lost. As calm as you like he looked us up and down, shook his head, and said you must be the three northerners down for the camping. Gave us exact instructions and we weren’t two miles away.
Did we say after that we had found ourselves or found anything else? Would any of had ever used that phrase….? Methinks not. Methinks also that those “finding themselves” are in the main a bunch of pretentious middle class twats.
⏩Davy Clinton is a life long Glasgow Celtic supporter.
With Christmas Day later this week, the results have thrown up - although some of the judges puked up when they had to decide on the nominations, with the Pharisee Plate, Macho Male Cup, and even the notorious Gobshite Cup hotly contested in this season of good will, or not good will.
The most keenly fought award, The Bare Knuckle Boxing Cup, was snatched by the Ulster Unionist Party, with rumours afoot that party boss Big Mikey Nesbitt will chuck in the leadership towel once again in the New Year, paving the way for a hard-fought contest between the new kid on the block - ex-peeler Jon Burrows of North Antrim, pitted against another veteran, the current UUP deputy leader Robbie Butler of Lagan Valley, a former prison officer and firefighter.
I wonder what my late dad, Rev Dr Robert Coulter MBE, a former UUP MLA for North Antrim for 13 years, would have made of the potential political fisty cuffs in the Burrows versus Butler showdown; that’s, of course, assuming Big Mikey really does decide to quit the leadership role … again!
This was always the most difficult time of year for dad; namely the announcement of the Coulter Awards, which were first launched way back in the Noughties when I was Northern Political Correspondent for the Irish Daily Star.
Because of my, at times, blunt tabloid style of writing, and dad being a solidly evangelical Presbyterian minister, it was not uncommon for dad to get half a dozen irate phones calls before he finished his breakfast complaining about my language.
Mind you, the rival DUP need not be cock-a-hoop at any UUP leadership battle. Given the rival factions emerging within Unionism’s biggest party, the Duppers walk clean away with The Slippy Tit Trophy for their Titanic-style sinking in the opinion polls over the Windsor Framework and Irish Sea Border.
Like the church gossips, the jungle drums are beating out the rhythm that there are four factions within the DUP all vying for control of the movement.
And what of the Shinners … the Duppers’ cosy bed fellows in the rock solid (aye right!) Stormont power-sharing Executive?
Provisional Sinn Fein gets its hands on The Brown Soup Cup for promoting artistic merit, especially in the field of portrait painting, or should that be Cupan Anraith Donn, saying as everyone in Sinn Fein presumably is a fluent Irish speaker.
And what about Alliance? The unanimous decision of the judging panel, who all for some reason, wanted to remain anonymous, was to award the Naomi Long-led party The Soggy Knickers Cup for slowing sinking in the opinion polls. That famous Alliance Bubble is leaking more points than Manchester United, Leeds United and Liverpool in the English soccer premiership.
Let’s not forget about the Stoops who have been gaining a wee drop of points in various supposedly reliable opinion polls throughout 2025. The SDLP can proudly collect The Total Waste Of Time Trophy, proving that being in opposition in the Northern Ireland Assembly is politically futile.
Making an inaugural entry onto the winning podium this year is the Far Left People Before Profit (PBP) party, who just pipped the Stoops for the Total Waste of Time Trophy. PBP walks away with the Let’s Pretend Ulster Is Communist East Germany Cup, by hosting rallies and motions in the Assembly on a range of looney Left wing causes. PBP makes Monty Python’s spoof Judean People’s Front look like a sensible political organisation.
And speaking of lunatic fringe politics, the judging panel was adamant - okay, I ordered them to award Reform UK The Watch You Don’t Fall Off The Spectrum Cup for convincing voters across the UK that Reform is not and never will be Hard Right, Far Right, Radical Right, Tough Right, New Right, or Extreme Right.
Thinking about the Right-wing spectrum in Unionism, I emphasised to the panel - don’t forget about the Traditional Unionist Voice party, that voice of moderate, middle of the road, liberal loyalism.
Another unanimous decision (well, I overruled them) by the panel is giving the TUV the coveted Ballymena Accent Cup for the party’s outstanding support for something packaged as the Ulster Scots language. No doubt in the run-up to the 2027 Stormont and council elections, the TUV will be bending the ear of Stormont Education Minister Paul Givan that the Education Authority should introduce GCSE and A levels in how to speak with a ‘Ballymena accent hi’. What jobs could a person get with a GCSE A* in Ulster Scots on their CV?
Now because I’m a radical Right-wing Unionist myself, some readers may be thinking that the Coulter Awards this year are too biased in favour of pro-Union parties. To dispel this terrible and outrageous allegation, I’m awarding Southern Ireland as a nation The Most Bigoted Electorate Cup for the sectarian abuse heaped on Fine Gael Presidential candidate and fellow Presbyterian Heather Humphreys.
If that sectarian abuse is taken as a benchmark, we Prods could well imagine what awaits us in a Glorious United Ireland.
Speaking of Presbyterianism, the mainstream Presbyterian Church in Ireland (PCI) runs away with a double helping of both The Top Tit Trophy and Pharisee Plate for the safe-guarding crisis which has engulfed - for the time being - Northern Ireland’s largest Prod denomination.
Last week’s hilarious special General Assembly in Belfast to air views on the matter certainly ensured PCI is a worthy recipient of the dubious double in this year’s awards. In spite of voting in a new Pope, the Catholic Church will be livid it only finished runners-up in the race for both trophies well behind PCI.
Okay, I hear the cries - what’s in it for the Green Party? Fear not, Ulster’s Greens have collected The 40 Shades Of Algae Trophy for all their successful efforts in cleaning up Lough Neagh and some of the North’s prestigious beaches.
Heading south of the Irish border again, The Coulter Awards have presented a special trophy to the team which saw Lefty candidate Catherine Connolly romp home in Southern Ireland’s Presidential elections. Its the much sought after Splitters R Us NOT! Cup.
Ms Connolly’s campaign team managed to blend a broad Left team which included Provisional Sinn Fein, the Provos’ political wing, to secure the win of painting the republic red. Wonder how long the Lefty honeymoon will last before the rifts emerge?
And I can’t forget Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil in this year’s trophies. They jointly win The Back To The Civil War Cup as a result of all the political rumblings and rumours in Dublin’s Leinster House as to which party will break ranks in the current coalition to jump into bed with Mary Lou McDonald’s Shinners in the next Dail election - subject, of course, to approval by the Provisional IRA’s ruling army council.
Now, I don’t want readers to think the Coulter Awards are constantly putting the boot into our beloved politicians and parties. So this year, we had planned to launch The Bikini Babe Trophy for the best dressed female elected representative. The Top Ten list has been made. But it’s been cancelled because some folk think this prestigious trophy is too sexist, misogynistic, in bad taste, and don’t get the point of political satire.
However, the Macho Male Cup is definitely being awarded. It goes hands down to Stormont Farming Minister Andrew Muir of Alliance for his sterling promotion of colourful and expertly presented bow ties.
And now, least but not last, the award of the most sought after prize - the totally coveted Gobshite Cup, presented to the person or persons who dole out the most abuse to me as a journalist. This trophy is in recognition of my journalistic life-long, passionate belief in the concept of freedom of speech.
Apart from the usual nonsense that I’m a racist, Nazi, fascist, sexist, looney Right, Bible-bashing, tub-thumping, Thatcherite, Putin-loving, Trump-supporting, Farage fanatic, zionist, fundamentalist nut ball extremist, this year’s Gobshite Cup is awarded to one of the biggest assholes I’ve encountered in my, thus far, 47 years in journalism.
Whilst I fully defend the right of everyone under freedom of expression to critique my work, whether those comments be good, bad or indifferent, I drew the line when the police visited me on two occasions this year to discuss certain comments about me on social media which potentially put my family at risk.
You know who you are and I know, and more importantly the police know who you are, and whilst you are the clear winner of this year’s Gobshite Cup, you are not worth naming and shaming.
But this is the season of good will, so I invite you to join me for tea and a Presbyterian tray bake which will not be spiked by cyanide.
Well, that’s all the awards for this year. My sterling thanks to my fellow judges, who for some unknown reason, stressed that they wanted to remain anonymous and maintain the line - ‘wee Coulter; who?’.
As December ticks away towards 2026, there’s already an impressive list of potential nominees eager to get on the shortlist for next year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-up Cups and Awards. If you’ve been offended in any way by these satirical awards, I’ve just one word for you … tough!
 |
| Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter John is a Director for Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM. |
But in the North where there is little new under the sun about what the cops might do, with restrictions on their ability to shoot nationalists the Pig Service of Northern Ireland has taken to shooting cows.
I am not going to jump on my animal rights soap box and give out about animal cruelty. Not being much of an animal lover, it would merely be virtue signalling - a phrase I used to regard as curmudgeonly nonsense until the wisdom of it eventually reached me. Although, we have always had pets, the responsibility of taking them to the vet to be euthanised when they have just about reached the finishing line has invariably fallen my way. Probably because I am pretty relaxed about the end of life. When there is nowhere else to go then going nowhere peacefully and painlessly seems the best option.
The separate incidents of cowcide took place earlier this year in Tyrone, the site of many gun incidents involving state security services. Back in the day the victims of state violence were said to have made aggressive moves which necessitated them being fired on. One of the cows in question was supposedly acting in a highly aggressive manner. Perhaps that meant that it moved its leg in a suspicious fashion that led to the cop feeling his life was in danger, leading to him discharging his weapon. The other cow was said to be in such pain that it had to be put out of its misery. Many of us who experienced northern policing would find that strange given the pain and misery that the police often took delight from inflicting.
The Police ombudsman's investigation stood over the decisions to kill the animals, stating that police action was in line with the policy for the 'humane destruction of animals.' Progress of sorts in that the cops seem to have moved on from the 'humane' destruction of people. The police gunmen involved had 'followed their training and acted proportionally.', having acted “with care and coordination”.
The public can be reassured that, in these cases, police officers acted with compassion while ensuring the safety of the community was protected.
What a delicious word salad aimed at enhancing the public appetite to be policed and to be killed humanely if the need arises.
A final thought occurred to me that the cops involved might considering moonlighting in the abattoir industry. If so they would not be able to slaughter animals for halal meat. Muslims would not appreciate pigs near their source of food.
 |
| ⏩Follow on Twitter @AnthonyMcIntyre. |
If you’re not a daily visitor to Sinn Féin’s website, or if the site failed to verify that you’re human, you may have missed the latest news:
Sinn Féin spokesperson for the Environment, Climate and Energy, Pa Daly TD, noted that the sun rose today at 6:03am. He said:
Sinn Féin MLA Philip McGuigan remarked that the sun is scheduled to set at 8:46 this evening. The party’s health spokesperson said:
Both party representatives clarified that Sinn Féin does not welcome the rising of the moon.
Sinn Féin spokesperson for the Environment, Climate and Energy, Pa Daly TD, noted that the sun rose today at 6:03am. He said:
I will continue to work with my party colleagues and the wider community, north and south, to ensure that the sun comes up each morning.
Sinn Féin MLA Philip McGuigan remarked that the sun is scheduled to set at 8:46 this evening. The party’s health spokesperson said:
In a new Ireland, it will be important that darkness falls each night so that people may enjoy a long and restful sleep.
⏩ Mike Burke has lectured in Politics and Public Administration in Canada for over 30 years.
- Election Manifesto
- Programme for Government
- Public Commitments
Attendance:
|
Core Subject |
Mark |
Focus for Development |
|
|
|
|
|
United
Ireland |
2/10 |
The
student has singularly failed to progress a United Ireland agenda either within
the NI Executive or the UK body politic. Having only progressed by 1
percentage point since 1998, the student has been awarded 2 points for
perseverance. Despite the monotonous calls for the British Secretary of State
to call a border poll, there is zero indication that one is imminent or that
it would be won. Must try harder and move beyond the embarrassing rhetoric of
proxy organisations. |
|
A
Socialist Republic |
Not
Applicable |
Unable to mark
the student on this core subject as the student failed to mention this domain
in any of the work that has been submitted. While the student did utilise the
word socialist from the podium at the Easter Parades, the reaffirmation of this
fundamental republican creed has not been reflected within the extended
timeframe of this Executive. |
|
Redistribution
of Wealth |
0/10 |
This mark
reflects the commitment shown to tackle poverty as embodied by the
“Anti-Poverty Strategy” presented to the public by an Executive that the
student leads and holds 4 of the current 8 Ministries, including finance and economy.
The student must develop an understanding that many working-class communities
and vulnerable people have not benefitted from the “peace process gravy
train”. |
|
Community
Cohesion |
1/10 |
The assertion
from the head girl that her presence in areas affected by racist riots in
June 2025 would inflame tensions is a tacit acceptance that she is not “A
First Minister for All”. The failure by anyone to challenge her on this
assertion is an indication of how deeply ingrained sectarianism is, in NI
Society. In 2025 we still have
sectarian “no-go” areas. The north also remains the only place on this planet
where racism can actually be sectarianized. Failed strategies to address
racism and sectarianism must be jettisoned and failed “community workers” must
be redeployed. The student must decide if they actually want to tackle
sectarianism, racism and paramilitarism. If they do, then there is sufficient
time left in this term to advance a move away from Einsteins definition of
insanity. |
|
Health |
-2/10 |
The
promotion of a privatised, two-tier health service as the solution to
incredulous waiting lists in the north is without comparison on these isles.
In a policy shift that Thatcher would have winced at, rich people from the
northern jurisdiction can now pay to receive surgery in the southern
jurisdiction, the public purse will be used to reimburse the wealthy. To
promote equality of access to surgery, poor people requiring life changing
surgery can start go-fund me pages or pay loan sharks (income generation).
Points
were deducted from the student for dishonesty. Claiming the credit for the
restoration of (UK) pay parity for health workers in the north can only be
viewed in the context of the student reversing the “Tory austerity measure”
that the student themselves introduced in 2017.
The
student should focus less on populist, short-term Tory policy and more on
supporting the vulnerable in society.
Refer to earlier section on “Socialist Republic”
|
|
Infrastructure |
1/10 |
The student’s
incompetence in building a road from Aughnacloy to Derry is only matched by
their ineptitude in not pedestrianising a road in Belfast City Centre. The
student must make themselves aware of the legislative changes on climate
change that their party supported in the Executive. While no points were
deducted for dishonesty, the student’s failure to conduct public business in a
transparent and open manner does not bode well for an “Ireland of equals”. The
student should focus on referencing its homework against legislation that it
has already submitted. Getting caught out “winging it” is not the hallmark of
good governance. |
|
Environment |
4/10 |
Credit
should be given to the students Government for including action on the
ecological crisis that has gripped Lough Neagh for almost two years. Action
to tackle the poisoning of the source of 50% of the norths drinking water is
now included in the Programme for Government.
However, The manager of the Lough Neagh Partnership has noted that: “all
the political support and concern for the Lough seemed to have evaporated and
disappeared like melted snow”. The
student should reflect on the necessity to follow through on actions that are
agreed in the spotlight of publicity and in response to public outcry. Photo
ops and platitudes are not a substitute for action. |
|
Sport |
Not
Applicable |
The powerlessness
and incompetence displayed by your government in failing to build a football
pitch in West Belfast is the most profound demonstration of your party’s
inability to organise a “piss up in a brewery”. The County Antrim
Board of the GAA is now privately expressing its concern that “project
Casement” was scuppered by Sinn Fein interference which they now feel was
driven by a desire to cash in on a multi-million-pound open air concert opportunity.
The student should instruct “the peoples festival” that it should acquire its own HQ and
concert venues, not encroach upon the needs and aspirations of Antrim Gaels. |
|
General
Comments: |
|
Given that
the student had an extended period of 25 years in Kindergarten and Primary
School, more was expected from the scholar on entering “Big School”. The first
term has been unremarkable in that it was marked by a continuation of DUP and
British Government policy of the 1998 to 2023 era. The school staff had
little expectation that the student would instigate the radical agenda as
promised in their manifesto for “change” and noted pre-roll call that their
stated ambition would exceed their capability. It was not, however,
unreasonable to have assumed that the pre-enrolment promise of “change” referred
to a positive change for the electorate, rather than merely a change to the
flag colour on the donkey. It is
difficult to envisage how the student can improve their grades with only 17
months remaining in their mandate. If the student perseveres with their
adherence to the Twainian maxim that it is easier to fool people than to
convince them that they are being fooled they may yet progress beyond a
single term in long trousers on the basis that they are not the DUP. |
⏩Muiris Ó Súilleabháin was a member of the Republican Movement until he retired in 2006 after 20 years of service. Fiche bhliain ag fás.
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