The Democratic Unionist Party, snowflake supporters of the French, and the Christian fundamentalist wing of the anti-vaxxer movement are the big winners in this year’s prestigious Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups and Awards.
One of the key awards, the Top Tit Trophy, goes to the DUP for its hilarious shenanigans over the leadership battles with the public infighting providing three chiefs and a few coups in as many months - a set of circumstances that would never have happened during the reign of the late Rev Ian Paisley.
However, some judges on the panel have suggested that given the DUP has romped home with the TTT, the award should be renamed The Perpetual Cup for the Truly Shortsighted.
Following hot on the DUP’s heels is the hardline Traditional Unionist Voice party, fronted at present by its lone MLA Jim Allister from North Antrim. The TUV collects the One Hit Wonder Cup for one of the LucidTalk opinion polls which showed the TUV a few percentage points ahead of the DUP.
And speaking of getting ahead, the Ulster Unionist Party heads off with the Beware Big Boots Plate as its latest leader ‘General’ Doug Beattie stamps his authority on the party and brings some much-needed discipline to the movement.
Try to politically diddle about with ‘General’ Doug, and you’ll be bounced out as part of the UUP’s ‘shrink to grow’ strategy!
Also on the topic of bouncing, well done to the Alliance Party for winning hands down the Go As Green As You Can Cup for rebranding itself as a soft ‘r’ republican party. For years since its inception, Alliance was viewed as merely a ‘wine and cheese supper brigade’ compared to the middle class ‘fur coat and no knickers brigade’ in Ulster Unionism.
For example, under the leadership of my former schoolboy chum, John Alderdice (now Lord Alderdice), Alliance was seen as a soft ‘u’ or ultra liberal pro-Union party.
But Alliance is now sucking up to the Stoops and Shinners in terms of trying to soak up republican transfers west of the River Bann. Maybe Alliance could celebrate this Cup win by having its party name (Votail Comhar) emblazoned in the Irish language on its election literature in next May’s expected Stormont poll?
Sinn Fein collects the We Will Do As Many U-Turns As Possible To Get Into Power Award. Based on the party’s showing at the funeral of veteran republican Bobby Storey in 2020, the Shinners - who were once vehemently anti-European Union - are now big-time supporters of the Northern Ireland Protocol because they see it as a weapon to bring about a border poll.
With those Stormont elections due in 2022, I wonder how many other political flip-flops will be done in the Assembly and Dail simply to get into power on both sides of the border?
As for the Stoops, they collect the Can We Please Please Please Be Your Friend Trophy as the SDLP is still frantically looking for a partner to team up with in its bid to gain an all-island identity - will it be Fianna Fáil, Fine Gael, or Irish Labour?
Seems no one wants to climb into bed politically with the Stoops! Instead of a former UUP leader’s slogan, Vote Mike Get Colum, its a case of Vote Colum, Get Ignored!
The Divorce Diploma goes to Fianna Fail and Fine Gael as their historic coalition in the Dail to keep the Shinners out is backfiring as the opinion polls show support for Sinn Fein in Southern Ireland continues to grow. This could lead to one of the messiest coalition implosions since the Irish Civil War of the 1920s in the history of that state come the next General Election for Leinster House.
The Watch Your Back Or Else Cup was easily won by the European Union for its dogmatic insistence on implementing a Northern Ireland Protocol.
The EU is really using the Protocol as a warning to other member states thinking of quitting this bureaucratic balls-up, such as Poland and Hungary. Its a blunt threat - look what happened to the Brits! By the way, Scotland voted ‘remain’ in the 2016 EU membership referendum and the Scots didn’t get a Protocol!
The British Labour Party gets the What The Heck Are We Shield for being totally confusing in its political message. What exactly does the party stand for? Is it a hard left party, or a centre left movement, or maybe even a social democratic party? You tell me!
And, of course, we cannot forget The Boris Bowl which goes to the Tory Party for its ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. The Conservatives ran away with this award - in spite of enjoying a Maggie Thatcher-style massive Commons majority - with several superb nominations, including: the Tory sleaze tsunami, the Prime Minister’s Peppa Pig CBI car crash speech, Partygate, and not forgetting the North Shropshire Westminster by-election humiliation which saw a Tory seat of around 200 years with a majority of almost 23,000 collapse into a Liberal Democrat majority of about 5,000.
As a Presbyterian minister’s son married to a Baptist pastor’s daughter and presenting a weekly religious discussion programme on Christian radio, my awards ceremony would not be complete without the much sought after Pharisee Plate dedicated to us Bible-believing hypocrites, with me as the biggest hypocrite of all for actually paying lip service to the winners.
After all, the Good Book does tell me to take the beam out of my own eyes before I start taking the mote out of other people’s eyes.
This year’s award goes to the Christian Church’s anti-vaxxer movement, who in the midst of a terrible Covid pandemic, steadfastly refuse to get themselves vaccinated whilst peddling their Area 51-style myths about vaccines coming from the foetus of an aborted baby and the vaccine being a mark of the Biblical beast.
Meanwhile, hundreds of their fellow Christians fall prey to Covid and its variants and sadly die. Some of these fundamentalist Christian anti-vaxxers have even contracted Covid themselves. Given the total nonsense which this section of the Christian community spews out about Covid, I’m awarding fundamentalist Christian anti-vaxxers an extra special trophy - The Delusional Cup.
I was originally thinking the Pharisee Plate would be won by an element of the rapidly emerging fundamentalist street preachers who seem hell-bent on provoking sections of the community rather than genuinely preaching the Gospel of Salvation, but to award them the Pharisee Plate would only tarnish the work of genuine open air evangelists.
Then again, these street provocateurs posing as street evangelists might turn on me and say - Coulter, what are you doing in your Christian witness?
And so to the premier award in Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups and Awards - the highly prestigious Gobshite Cup for the person or persons who criticise me the most either in print, mainstream media, or social media.
The 2020 winners, some fans of Leeds United Football Club, made a sterling attempt on social media to retain this coveted trophy with some really hard-hitting analysis of the terrible start to the English Premiership by my beloved Gunners.
Arsenal found themselves going into the first international break in late 2021 with no points, no goals, a hat-trick of humiliating defeats and firmly rooted to the foot of the table - the club’s worst start for almost 70 years.
Over the following weeks, some Leeds fans lashed into me on social media, especially Facebook, about the crisis at the Emirates. Indeed, Arsenal knocking Leeds out of the League Cup and thumping them 4-1 in the Premiership did not stop them spewing out their vitriol and venom in a last ditch bid to do the ‘double.’
Instead for your persistence, I’ll give you Leeds fans this year’s inaugural trophy - as named above, The Perpetual Cup for the Truly Shortsighted.
However, sadly this social media spurt by some Leeds fans was to no avail. The 2021 Gobshite Cup goes to the French-loving political snowflakes who were up in arms about my comments on the GB News TV channel that the Royal Navy should be deployed against French fishing boats if the French government supported a threat to blockade some ports to prevent certain goods reaching the UK in time for Christmas.
And as The Pensive Quill has been hosting this year’s awards, I’d better say a heartfelt thanks to all the contributors who have taken the time to read and critique my regular Monday columns on this site. Your hilarious and colourful comments are much appreciated.
With only days to go until 2022 kicks off, there’s already a fine array of assholes and pillocks queuing up to enter next year’s awards. In the meantime, a happy new year to all - and please stay safe as we face the continued challenges of Covid.
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Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter Listen to commentator Dr John Coulter’s programme, Call In Coulter, every Saturday morning around 10.15 am on Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM. Listen online. |
Hope you had a nice Christmas John and have a good new year, from your archenemies Blackmouth on here!
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