Lyra McKee with a letter to her 14 year old self which featured in  The Muckraker on 18 August 2014.

Yesterday, I tweeted a response to the hateful homophobic comments made by a Northern Irish pastor, James McConnell. Mr McConnell said: “Two lesbians living together are not a family. They are sexual perverts playing let’s pretend.”

I said: “People like Pastor McConnell made 14 year old me feel like I was better off dead, rather than deal with the shame of being gay.”

I rarely use this blog for anything other than professional work/journalism-related matters but a number of people asked me to write a blog post summarising what I said. Someone remarked that maybe some 14 year old would read it and take hope. So I decided to write a letter to my 14 year old self, 10 years later, as a 24 year old looking back. 

Kid,

It’s going to be okay.

I know you’re not feeling that way right now. You’re sitting in school. The other kids are making fun of you. You told the wrong person you had a crush and soon, they all knew your secret. It’s horrible. They make your life hell. They laugh at you, whisper about you and call you names. It’s not nice. And you can’t ask an adult for help because if you did that, you’d have to tell them the truth and you can’t do that. They can’t ever know your secret.

Life is so hard right now. Every day, you wake up wondering who else will find out your secret and hate you.

It won’t always be like this. It’s going to get better.

In a year’s time, you’re going to join a scheme that trains people your age to be journalists. I know the careers teacher suggested that as an option and you said no, because it sounded boring and all you wanted to do was write, but go with it. For the first time in your life, you will feel like you’re good at something useful. You’ll have found your calling. You’ll meet amazing people. And when the bad times come again – FYI, your first girlfriend is not “the one” and you will screw up that History exam – it will be journalism that helps you soldier on.

In two years time, you will leave school and go to a local technical college. Don’t worry – you’re going to make friends. These will be your first real friends in semi-adulthood, the people who will answer your calls at 4 O’Clock in the morning. In the years to come, you’ll only keep in touch with Gavyn and Jonny but you’ll remember the others fondly. When you’re 17, you’ll tell them your secret and they won’t mind. It will take courage but you will do it. Gavyn will become Christian and you will fear that he will hate you but one afternoon, you’ll receive a text message saying: “This changes nothing. You’ll always be my friend.” Accept him for what he is as he has accepted you.

You’ll go to university, like you always planned to, but you’ll drop out because it reminds you of school where people were cold and you had few friends. The campus is just too big and scary. But this experience will be the making of you. You’ll be making your way in the world for the first time. Through this, you will meet the people who become your best friends. They’ll help you replace all the bad memories with good ones. For the first time in your life, you will like yourself.

Three months before your 21st birthday, you will tell Mum the secret. You will be sobbing and shaking and she will be frightened because she doesn’t know what’s wrong. Christmas will be just a couple of weeks away. You have to tell her because you’ve met someone you like and you can’t live with the guilt anymore. You can’t get the words out so she says it: “Are you gay?” And you will say, “Yes Mummy, I’m so sorry.” And instead of getting mad, she will reply “Thank God you’re not pregnant”.

You will crawl into her lap, sobbing, as she holds you and tells you that you are her little girl and how could you ever think that anything would make her love you any less? You will feel like a prisoner who has been given their freedom. You will remember all the times you pleaded with God to help you because you were so afraid and you will feel so foolish because you had nothing to worry about.

You will tell your siblings. No one will mind. Mary will hug you in the food court in Castlecourt as you eat KFC together and tell you she’s so proud of you. The others will joke about how they always knew. They will all say some variation of “I love you,” “I’m so proud of you”, “This doesn’t change a thing.”

You will feel so lucky. You watched James get thrown out of his house after coming out to his parents. You were in Michael’s house the night his Mum said she would “beat the gay out of him”. You will feel guilty for being the lucky one and getting it easy in the end, even though you went through hell to get there.

You will fall in love for the first time. You will have your heart broken for the first time and you will feel like you might die of the pain. You won’t. You will get over it.
Right now, you’re wondering if you’ll ever be “normal”. You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not going to hell. You did nothing to deserve their hate.

Life will not only get easier, it will get so much better. You will walk down the street without fear. Teenage boys you’ve never met will not throw things at you and shout names. Your friends will be the best anyone could ask for. You will be invited to parties. You will have a social life. You will be loved. People will use words like “awesome” and “cool” and “witty” to describe you and you’ll forget the times the other kids said you were “weird” and “odd” and a “lesbo”.

You will do “normal” things. You will spend time with your Mum. You will go to work and pay your bills. You will go to the cinema with your best friend every week because that’s your ritual – dinner then an action movie where things explode. You will fall in love again. You will smile every day, knowing that someone loves you as much as you love them.

Keep hanging on, kid. It’s worth it. I love you.

Letter to my 14 Year old Self


Lyra McKee with a letter to her 14 year old self which featured in  The Muckraker on 18 August 2014.

Yesterday, I tweeted a response to the hateful homophobic comments made by a Northern Irish pastor, James McConnell. Mr McConnell said: “Two lesbians living together are not a family. They are sexual perverts playing let’s pretend.”

I said: “People like Pastor McConnell made 14 year old me feel like I was better off dead, rather than deal with the shame of being gay.”

I rarely use this blog for anything other than professional work/journalism-related matters but a number of people asked me to write a blog post summarising what I said. Someone remarked that maybe some 14 year old would read it and take hope. So I decided to write a letter to my 14 year old self, 10 years later, as a 24 year old looking back. 

Kid,

It’s going to be okay.

I know you’re not feeling that way right now. You’re sitting in school. The other kids are making fun of you. You told the wrong person you had a crush and soon, they all knew your secret. It’s horrible. They make your life hell. They laugh at you, whisper about you and call you names. It’s not nice. And you can’t ask an adult for help because if you did that, you’d have to tell them the truth and you can’t do that. They can’t ever know your secret.

Life is so hard right now. Every day, you wake up wondering who else will find out your secret and hate you.

It won’t always be like this. It’s going to get better.

In a year’s time, you’re going to join a scheme that trains people your age to be journalists. I know the careers teacher suggested that as an option and you said no, because it sounded boring and all you wanted to do was write, but go with it. For the first time in your life, you will feel like you’re good at something useful. You’ll have found your calling. You’ll meet amazing people. And when the bad times come again – FYI, your first girlfriend is not “the one” and you will screw up that History exam – it will be journalism that helps you soldier on.

In two years time, you will leave school and go to a local technical college. Don’t worry – you’re going to make friends. These will be your first real friends in semi-adulthood, the people who will answer your calls at 4 O’Clock in the morning. In the years to come, you’ll only keep in touch with Gavyn and Jonny but you’ll remember the others fondly. When you’re 17, you’ll tell them your secret and they won’t mind. It will take courage but you will do it. Gavyn will become Christian and you will fear that he will hate you but one afternoon, you’ll receive a text message saying: “This changes nothing. You’ll always be my friend.” Accept him for what he is as he has accepted you.

You’ll go to university, like you always planned to, but you’ll drop out because it reminds you of school where people were cold and you had few friends. The campus is just too big and scary. But this experience will be the making of you. You’ll be making your way in the world for the first time. Through this, you will meet the people who become your best friends. They’ll help you replace all the bad memories with good ones. For the first time in your life, you will like yourself.

Three months before your 21st birthday, you will tell Mum the secret. You will be sobbing and shaking and she will be frightened because she doesn’t know what’s wrong. Christmas will be just a couple of weeks away. You have to tell her because you’ve met someone you like and you can’t live with the guilt anymore. You can’t get the words out so she says it: “Are you gay?” And you will say, “Yes Mummy, I’m so sorry.” And instead of getting mad, she will reply “Thank God you’re not pregnant”.

You will crawl into her lap, sobbing, as she holds you and tells you that you are her little girl and how could you ever think that anything would make her love you any less? You will feel like a prisoner who has been given their freedom. You will remember all the times you pleaded with God to help you because you were so afraid and you will feel so foolish because you had nothing to worry about.

You will tell your siblings. No one will mind. Mary will hug you in the food court in Castlecourt as you eat KFC together and tell you she’s so proud of you. The others will joke about how they always knew. They will all say some variation of “I love you,” “I’m so proud of you”, “This doesn’t change a thing.”

You will feel so lucky. You watched James get thrown out of his house after coming out to his parents. You were in Michael’s house the night his Mum said she would “beat the gay out of him”. You will feel guilty for being the lucky one and getting it easy in the end, even though you went through hell to get there.

You will fall in love for the first time. You will have your heart broken for the first time and you will feel like you might die of the pain. You won’t. You will get over it.
Right now, you’re wondering if you’ll ever be “normal”. You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not going to hell. You did nothing to deserve their hate.

Life will not only get easier, it will get so much better. You will walk down the street without fear. Teenage boys you’ve never met will not throw things at you and shout names. Your friends will be the best anyone could ask for. You will be invited to parties. You will have a social life. You will be loved. People will use words like “awesome” and “cool” and “witty” to describe you and you’ll forget the times the other kids said you were “weird” and “odd” and a “lesbo”.

You will do “normal” things. You will spend time with your Mum. You will go to work and pay your bills. You will go to the cinema with your best friend every week because that’s your ritual – dinner then an action movie where things explode. You will fall in love again. You will smile every day, knowing that someone loves you as much as you love them.

Keep hanging on, kid. It’s worth it. I love you.

30 comments:

  1. Good for you Lyra. Hopefully some teenager being bullied or marginalised takes heart from this.

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  2. I wonder what James OConnel thinks about the current Rose of Tralee...

    What James said.. Some of the comments I agree with. he's getting a wee bit excited at the end talking about perverts..

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  3. What a heart-rending post! I honestly believed i was beyond tears until i read this.

    Life is so incredibly difficult for most for teenagers nowadays. I think it says a lot about us as adults that for teenagers, and particularly for gay teenagers, life can be so absolutely hellish.

    Frankie, re Rose of Tralee - good for her! Hopefully she'll inspire other young people, gay and straight, to feel confident about being themselves.

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  4. Didn't cut it really imo Too twee. Too self absorbed... Too middle class. Millions of people are gay or bi or closet gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. That's her business and one facet of her but its NOT ALL OF WHO SHE IS. The letter to self needed more emphasis on see the person not the sexuality Holistic approach to the person. Mind you I hate those letter to my self stuff. Reeks of navel gazing therapy and such PS Sarah I am a hard old moll - I never shed a tear LOL

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    1. Something drew you to make reply but for the life of me I can't think what. I think that this 'letter to self' was Lyra's way of reminding herself that the agony of keeping her sexuality a secret, was a needless, painful barrier, denying herself of the love of her mother, her friends and those she was yet to meet. It has probably helped a lot of others come to terms with who or what they are and love themselves unconditionally . I wish that I hadn't that self loathing and hatred of myself in my younger years. I had no one to turn to when I was brutally raped by another man, an alleged friend. My life for the most part, was a hell on earth. But on the other side of it I accept that it made me the man that I am today. I love that man, so I accept myself for the man that I am. I am gay and I wouldn't have it any other way.I am no longer a guilty secret of what I am. I love myself unconditionally and if others can't or won't love me unconditionally then thier love is of no use to me.I can't cut my body into little bits and give you the bit that you can love and chuck away the rest of me. So you can either love me or become an acquaintance of mine, or just jog on. As for the author of that post, if you had to write it anonymously that suggests to me that you have a secret of your own and in my opinion, my experience tells me that secrets keep you sick. I am so sorry for the death of Lyra Mckee and I feel for the family and friends who have loved a precious love one. RIP LYRA xx

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  5. PS Sarah I am a hard old moll - I never shed a tear LOL

    Not even at this scene Mary...? Or does the anarchist inside you prefer this version?

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  6. Mary, I don't think the author should be criticized for being "Too middle class." Class is a circumstance of birth, therefore not something one can choose or control.

    Re being a "hard old moll" - maybe on the outside, but you're very compassionate, and without wishing to make assumptions i suspect you're not as hard on the inside as on the outside. I absolutely mean this as a compliment.

    Frankie, that was just mean!!

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  7. Lyra was shot and killed in Derry last night whilst doing her job as a journalist. May she rest in Peace.

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  8. A very poignant read. And the last line will read "...and you will die at 29 doing the job you love." Heartrending. Her family will be thankful they loved and accepted her. They did not have her long.

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  9. So tragic, Lyra had so much to give.We're such a destructive society.

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  10. Heartbreaking. She should be with us today. Lunching,hugging, laughing.

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  11. Absolutely tragic. So very sorry for the lady and her family.

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  12. Tears in my eyes as i read this. I Never knew of Lyra and was obviously shocked when i heard that a journalist had been killed last night. However upon reading this piece I saw her humanity in these words and i can only apologise to her and to her family that we live in a world where this could happen. Thank you for making the world a better place Lyra

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  13. Heartbreaking, a sad loss to her loved ones and colleagues but also the the world.

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  14. So often in this world, the forces of hate and division spew forth violence of all kinds. Priests claiming to know the mind of God, zealots trying to force their narrow lifestyles and political strictures on innocent people. Yet there are people of goodwill, courageous souls who stand up for these evils and say no, this will not do. They know the possible outcome but still they stand, still they proclaim truth, decency, compassion, love. Would that there were more people in this sorry world of the calibre of Lyra McKee. Vale Lyra. Thank you for giving us hope. Thank you for showing us what courage is. Thank you for urging all of us to pursue our dreams. May you rest in the peace of the righteous.

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  15. The young lady's post was an outpouring of her thoughts and experiences as she progresses through her life. Directing criticism towards her seems bizarre when it should be directed to comments of what one thinks about her treatment and the responses from those she meets on her travel.

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  16. 'an action movie where things explode.." I couldn't get past that line.

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  17. So sorry for your great loss. You were a wonderful woman xx

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  18. Heartbreaking to read, she had so much in front of her but I hope reading this this that her family can take comfort in knowing that she knew she was loved, she knew people cared about her. She didn't deserve what happened but she knew that her family and friends loved and accepted every little piece of her. Rest in peace x

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  19. What a wise, compassionate post, and how incredibly cruel that the adult life Lyra enjoyed so much has been cut short so tragically soon.

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  20. I hope you know what a huge difference you have made in this world, yesterday I didn't know who you were.
    Sadly I only learnt of you early this morning, because it was the news of the devastating loss, of your young beautiful life that completely floored me.
    Its is not I alone as a stranger that has been affected, people from all corners off this isle and across the world mourns a young woman's senseless death today....
    After living away for years I came back to be close to my family and raise my children in a safe country that I as a child never knew.
    I am so saddened to see such an awful, senseless act of violence happen, especially on a weekend where families should be enjoying coming together.... God bless your family this day!My heart breaks for them.

    This is not the future I want for my children, nor does any other parent I know.
    With three children under 10, its truly terrifying to think we are returning to the past...... its petrifiing to think off.

    My hope is that this blog, your letter to your self, helps so many other young people who are experiencing similar thing in there life. Your writing is your legacy....

    My thoughts are with your family & friends, may they know how many people are thinking of them today. RIP Sweet Girl. xox

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  21. So young, she only had another twelve years to live. Twelve years to fall in love which she did. Twelve years to hone her craft, which she did. Twelve short years to leave her mark on the world to aspire and inspire, which she did. What have we all missed in the next twelve years without her?

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  22. If only we had glasses to put on to really see the person for who they are inside. We then could see how difficult life can be for those hurting. We can see past the societal norms and into the hurting soul. Why judge what we do not understand? Lyra McKee, you have given hope to those who still suffer. You are a voice to those who are coping with questions of their future. Our world needs more of you to help understand our differences and to show love even though others seem not to accept you. The Bible gave the message to Love One Another yet so many religious teach hate. Thank You Lyra for your story so that others may come to know their selves as loved and accepted.

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  23. Lyra

    You gave comfort to all of us who felt "different" in our formative years but did not have the language, confidence or allies with which to articulate it. Your work and example set will live on long after the pathetic cretins who took your life have been consigned to oblivion as the people of Derry right now are trying to do. RIP.

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  24. I'm sorry it did not cut it for you. She was a working class writer from North Belfast which a little Google would reveal. She wrote this to tell her story and give hope to people who needed to tell theirs. What none of her writing here or anywhere else shows is the amount of young people she shepherded through the coming out process whether it was positive negative or somewhere in between. We could all do with being more Lyra. Doing research in the topic, gathering the facts before speaking, and generally being nicer to people building them up rather than tearing them down. You don't need to like her writing style. You don't need to be a person who cries at things but is there any call to say the things you did about our dead friends` writing and without all the facts? It is of no matter what I think though, Lyra would have been kinder than I about it. For that is the beautiful person she was. We should all try to be more Lyra, me included. Gillian

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    1. Gillian - whoever the writer is posted that comment long before Lyra's death

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  25. The Earth stop today,just for one second.

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  26. Gen Z are so accepting now, the majority at least. Respect to anyone who lives this experience. And honestly this was a reassuring read even as a heterosexual man.

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