All together now: Ulster Says BoJo; Boris can save peace process

Dr John Coulter with a piece that initially featured in the Irish Daily Star on 7 October 2013.

Stormont needs BoJo's banter to save the crumbing peace process!

The quicker Tory toff and London Mayor, the bouncy bungling buffoon Boris Johnston becomes Brit Prime Minister, the sooner the parades crisis which has gripped the North will be solved.

BoJo turned in an electrifying and election-winning performance at last week's Tory shindig in Manchester.

Having known BoJo since his days at the influential political mag, The Spectator, he is one of the easiest Conservatives to warm to.

Even leading Shinner Gerry 'Hug A Police Land-Rover' Kelly of North Belfast fame could embrace BoJo's political charm.

Do not be fooled by BoJo's wire-dangling antics at the London Olympics. Underneath his weird flowing hair-do lies a clever tactical brain. Opponents dismiss his clown image at their peril.

While the impasse in the peace process is no laughing matter, BoJo's unique humour is just the tonic to kick-start the spluttering devolution engine.

BoJo has the special ability to crack heads together – especially between the Shinners and Robbo's Dupes – in a way that US peace guru Ricky Haass will never be able to achieve.

Sometimes in the complicated world of Irish politics, it's not heavy-handed serious negotiations which will nudge the peace process forward, but a bit of craic around tea and buns.

If ever a politician knew the power of the charm offensive, it's BoJo. Current Brit PM Dandy Dave Cameron's 'True Blue Tory' underwear must be turning brown at the thought of a potential leadership coup.

In the years after the Good Friday Agreement was signed in 1998, the peace process faced many seemingly impossible barriers to clear.

When the North's Assembly members were shipped off to South Africa for peace talks, it was not indepth discussions, but banter and humour which solved the crisis.

A yarn is told of how nationalists and unionists found themselves locked in talks deep in the jungle.

One MLA voiced concern about the safety of an air conditioning fan whirling above his head, fearful it may collapse on him.

Another quick-witted MLA from an opposing camp is reported to have retorted: 'If it does fall, it will be the first case of the fan hitting the shit!'

Yet another tale is of two well-known political leaders during the African trip squealing like kids when another politician put the controls of their plane into a nose dive.

And there was talk that when two Sinn Féin MLAs had to hitch a ride back on a Protestant-dominated bus, they were serenaded by Unionists singing The Sash.

Setting aside whether these rumours have been embellished, the truth is that the African experience proved to be a roaring jolly-jolly success.

On some murals dedicated to the Provo hunger striker Bobby Sands, the phrase is used: "Our revenge will be the laughter of our children."

Given the crisis in the US economy, the solution is simple: send Mr Haass back home to help President Obama, and let the side-splitting antics of BoJo rule the roost on Parliament Hill.

With BoJo at the helm of the peace talks, perhaps the Sands quote will be amended to: "Our peace will be the laughter of our politicians."


  1. " Bo jo has the special ability to crack heads together "-

    Might as well ask the UVF who want to turn the population into crack heads-

    Coulter is looking for another unelected tory toff over here to serve in the six-[ a reporter who does not believe in democracy-another one-]as barmy as the rest-why we might as well say that the secretary of states position should go to the political party that gets the most votes in a election in the six for that job- Shinner secretary of state would look well on the mantel-piece-

  2. Michaelhenry,

    Why would Coulter be looking for another unelected tory toff over here to serve in six?.

    When at the minute S/F and the DUP and the rest of the MLA'S IN Stormount are doing a fairly good job implementing tory toff legislation and power from Whitehall.

    We also have a shiner secretary of state anyway as it stands.

    In relation to coulters views:

    Boris Johnson over here instead of Dr Hass, would simply provide a different type of pantamine comedy resulting with the same effect at the end of December. A big fat nothing, termed and confined to the history books as progress.

    Nothing of substance, sure where is all the investment for jobs from G8 summit costing millions in security. Answer: none of

    I personally believe Boris is not play acting at all, he is morally bankrupt like the rest of the tory elite. What charm are you talking about, he is a snake in a suit.

  3. James-

    " Why would coulter be looking for
    another unelected tory toff over here to service in the six "-

    God knows-your best bet is to ask coulter if your paths ever cross-
    coulter is looking bouncing Boris
    to serve here-but he is a mix up between a unionist and a reporter so there is more wit in a pipe bomb-

    " doing a fairly good job "-

    Your to modest-Sinn Fein are doing a great job-

    " We also have a Shiner secretary of state as it stands "

    Not be long kid-it should not be long-

  4. Michaelhenry

    Fair enough, you obviously in line with the kind of mythical, magical process strategy that only shinners seem to know.

    Whom am I to question your reason, rationale and belief.