Dunked Out

St George’s donkeys are out on their asses. No World Cup glory, just disgrace. Blame the ball, the altitude, even the securocrats or the Pensive Quill, there was never going to be any other outcome. Anybody who expected something different should elect to wear a clown’s costume for a month.

This morning my wife, after handing me my birthday presents from herself and the children, was winding me up. She bantered that, having read the article I wrote yesterday predicting their demise, if England won I would take a lot of stick. It didn’t bother me in the slightest. More chance of me being 21 today. I knew I would get another birthday present late in the afternoon courtesy of German soccer skills and England’s lack of them.

The pundits have at last come to their senses and are admitting what a woeful lot the England team were. We were telling that from the opening game. And for our endeavours were accused of being England haters riven with historical spites and past sleights. Up until now the pundits assumed the demeanour of a curious religious sect who believed a divinely appointed messiah from Italy had arrived who would rapture the side into World Cup nirvana. Now they are talking about sacking him. Next time we see them they should be outside some shopping mall wearing flowing gowns, jingling bells and chanting. As useless as the team they offer ‘expert analysis’ on.

The English goalkeeper David James was the best player on their woeful side despite conceding four goals. That just about sums matters up. True, they were robbed of a certain goal but no point in blaming the referee. He like most others doesn’t expect England to score goals and instinctively ruled Frank Lampard’s over the line shot out, not even pausing to give it a second thought. We will hear much of that until the next World Cup. Same as they prefer to show us Diego Maradona’s handled goal in the 1986 tournament rather than the goal which saw him finish after stupefying the English midfield and defence with some scintillating dribbling skills.

In the closing minutes of today’s game against Germany the commentator suggested the referee should blow the final whistle and put the England team out of their misery. No doubt had he been a vet he would have put them to sleep. Revenge of sorts for the audiences they have put to sleep with their less than dazzling displays of soccer.

Overall, England did much better than I expected. They managed to get out of their group and they did win a game. No easy feat for a team with clay feet. But ultimately today’s result put an end to the nonsense we have endured about their potential. It put matters in clear perspective. Up against a side that counts in terms of international soccer, they proved their true worth, and were found to be absolutely worthless. England’s biggest contribution to international soccer tournaments is not to turn up. Look at how good the last European Championships in Switzerland and Austria were when not graced by the English presence.

From Durban to Donkeyland the braying nags of English soccer are on their way home. Good Riddance.


  1. OH YOUR SO BITCHY Anthony and I love it! ps happy birthday a cara

  2. Marty, thanks for the birthday greetings!! So bitchy but so right! Where were that lot ever going but home?

  3. Mackers,
    Albert here. 100% right on your anaylsis, what a result on your birthday. Trying to work out if you are older than me?
    If memory serves me right, you were as good a player as Martin Meehan and Seando Moore. Enough said!
    Have a great birthday!

  4. Thank you for writing this post Anthony. It gives me - an Englishman - the chance to say something to you that the whole world has been saying to us about our attitude towards the Germans:

    The war is over. Put it behind you....

  5. Paulie,

    now don't blame me or the war for that ridiculous display. Take a good drink and drown your sorrows!

  6. Albert, you are older than me ... by a bit too!! Never got to see Seando play football but Martin was a laugh.

  7. lost the voice, never seen people in a bar roar as much, they are going home, english football is going home, without american and russian help england cant beat germany, 66 does not count because england cheated, dont cry for me, you bloody english, the d.u.p are against england playing on a sunday, i bet they still watched, hells to come for them.

  8. Mackers, a very happy birthday.
    Of course he is older than you.
    He is at this craic all the time now, pretending people are older than him.
    Trying to make out he was on thirteen when he was on the Maidstone!

  9. Oh it was ridiculous alright.

    The symptom of a country on the verge of a nervous breakdown is what it was.

  10. Paulie, a lot of English people seem less than capable of putting things behind them. They hate the Germans, the French, the Irish, the Scottish and just about everyone, they ever crossed swords

    I would say more than half the planet were cheering on the Germans
    and we all know why!

  11. Paulie dont worry about it, you lot have been getting on like that since the Romans landed,

  12. Anthony,

    Happy birthday. Missed that the first time.


    I'm one of those 'second-generation-Irish-more-Irish-than-the-counterjumpers-that-were-actually-born-in-Ireland' Englishmen and I'm not given to patriotism of any variety.

    I don't recognise your description of the English though. This....

    "..They hate the Germans, the French, the Irish, the Scottish and just about everyone, they ever crossed swords

    ... is pure bollocks.

    OK, there are *some* English people with a xenophobic streak, but having spent a lot of time in Ireland, let me just say that I've found them thicker on the ground in places that aren't as multi-cultural as, say, London is.

    This is as good an explanation for England's international form as any I've found:

    And lastly, whatever you think to the English, I think you'll find places that are a bit more deserving of preference than the Germans, FFS.

  13. Would passengers flying back to England please head to gate 4-1 as flight U1FUCKALL is ready to depart England are now expecting a heros welcome upon their return to the uk........their flight has been diverted to Glasgow airport!Both the BBC and ITV have decided not to show repeats of the England game today, instead they,re showing that classic movie Out of Africa

  14. World cup education lesson no9: German word;WUNDERBAR, meaning under the bar,over the line,back out again and get it right up you!

  15. Paulie, have no idea what you mean by counter jumpers?
    What I do know however, is you do not need to live in England to know about the English.
    My best friend is English born and bred and they deported her. She reckons their hatred of us the Germans, French and Scottish knows no bounds.

    Have encountered their xenophobics here on our streets.
    Have also encountered them on holiday.
    Have also witnessed their behaviour on our screens.
    If it's bollocks trying running into some of them some night speaking with an Irish accent!

  16. Have to agree that England fielded a woeful side with equally woeful results. Interesting that "St George's donkeys" included for example Steven Gerrard.If I am not mistaken Anthony, you would be cheering the same individual on most Saturdays of the year when he turns out for his `Brit' club side, Liverpool. Curiously this seems to be the position of all English football following Brit hating republicans. Maybe someone could enlighten me ?

  17. While the premier league may take place on English soil,most of those involved including ,club owners, managers, and of course players are Johny foreigners,hope that helps Robert

  18. Robert,

    'Have to agree that England fielded a woeful side with equally woeful results.'

    Well now, thanks for the concession. Was it painful to make? No choice really. What else could be said?!!

    It brings a smile to my face when the eye for incompetence is accused of hating what it sees. A time honoured attempt to shift focus from what is to what is not not - from incompetence to hatred.

    You see Robert, when I cheer on Liverpool. I always shout 'come on the Pool but not the Englishmen in it'! Stephen and Jamie and Glen don't get a look in. Enlightened now?

    On a more serious level I don't know about the rest but I don't hate the Brits at all. Much prefer visiting England than Germany. I like the English. But I also like soccer, always have. I think it is aptly named 'the beautiful game'. And when it is played in such ugly fashion in a manner that resembles elephants doing ballet I like to prick the balloons of those who have become so inflated with nonsense.

    If you are not enlightened Robert maybe it is because it suits you better not to be.

  19. Anthony, I don't think I would be cheering for England even if they played "the beautiful game"! That doesn't mean I hate English people. I wouldn't say the French feel obliged to cheer for the Germans now that their sorry lot are out, so why are we being lectured to by the Sunday Independent and co.?

  20. Because Alfie when Germany lose their match, that makes the English even bigger losers the English team are to change the logo on their shirts,the 3 lions will be replaced with 3 tampons..to represent the worst period they,ve ever had !!

  21. Just got a call from an English mate,he,s in S.Africa and this is urgent.Can anyone lend me a dress,high heels and a handbag?it will be less embarassing than going home in this England top!NEWS FLASH!!!No volcanic ash coming in from Iceland,but a planeload of shit has landed from Africa!Keep your phones handy I,ll have 23 jokes for you soon,just got to wait untill they land at Heathrow

  22. Anthony,
    No pain involved in stating the patently obvious and certainly not when one cares so little as I do about football. Just questioned why your `eye for incompetence' did,nt motivate you to comment in the same manner on the French exit from the tournament for example. Your post and the subsequent comments from others I thought were curious given there anti English sentiment, in my opinion, on a national team level which doesnt appear to translate to English club level. Not really convinced by you and Marty's attempts to enlighten me however I am delighted to learn that you'd prefer to holiday in Blackpool than Berlin. Can I take it then lads that if your clubs ceased to field `Johnny Foreigners' your support would cease??

  23. No need to spend a fortune on a post match analysis,just take a look at the Sunday breakfast menu for the English team....CHEERIOES!!

  24. Robert remove Johny foreigner from the premier league, then you remove the talent, remove the talent and you lose the sponsorship,remove the money and you,l end up with the Saturday league crap we have here, which can be entertaining in its own way but far removed from the beautiful game,so Robert if the foreign players were removed from English football then I,m afraid that the answer to your question would it wouldnt matter as these clubs would cease to exist, mind you a cara,if you really want to watch a beautiful game which I prefer myself try watching a hurling match

  25. Robert,

    probably something to do with familiarity breeding contempt. We don't really know the French, their commentators or pundits. Although they are absolutely hopeless as well.

    Little 'curious' in it - bad at times as Liverpool have been they are not as woeful as the England team. Were they then they would be open to the same stick.

    Can't see my loyalty to Liverpool fading regardless of who plays for it. They are all foreigners on the team. No Irish play for it.

  26. Marty,
    Your comments bring me back to my initial point.If England had a national hurling team and happened to be defeated you would delight in it's defeat for reasons other than sport? You imply that there was no talent in English football before the advent of foreign players and managers. Shall I post you the relevant Liverpool and Utd European Cup final winner line ups or would you like to source them yourself?
    Did you hear the one about the Antrim hurling supporter who spilt a beer over his Antrim top? He washed it,hung it on the line and someone stole the pegs.

  27. Mackers, Albert said you only dislike the Germans because they get to the deck chairs before you.
    And their towels are bigger than yours. Whatever that means.

  28. Anthony,
    `We don't really know the French, their commentators or pundits'
    Indeed it is the English commentators,pundits but particularly the tabloids that warrant your contempt and not the England team.

  29. Robert, why? The England team are top wage professionals who deliver a seriously below par attempt at soccer. They merit the disdain that people are casting their way. Much of it is a form of social commentary on their role. Why should they be protected from criticism and disdain and have the flak deflected onto the pundits and tabloids? The pundits and tabloids - messengers of sorts, and bad ones at that - are not responsible for the dismal display by England. So why shoot the messenger?

  30. LOL Robert imagine an Antrim man spilling drink,hard enough to get the f##kers to buy drink,you can stop digging my friend because you,l not find any xenophobia here,rather you,l find Irish mem/women laughing at the arrogance of your brit pundits who build up your national team every time to be the best since 1966, and who ususlly fail to deliver, Remember was it David Coleman when Celtic won the european cup, not a Scottish team but british, then UTD lifted the cup and lo and behold UTD were described as English, and finally may I add that it wasnt Irishmen who were booing your national team last week,it was fellow country men,jolly bad show I,d say, we Irish win lose or draw will always party for we do believe winning is not the be all of taking part in the beautiful game

  31. And finally may I say Robert I wear my Antrim shirt in support of the county,they may not be the best hurling team in the country,and all are amature but they play with a hell of a lot more passion and pride than the overpaid plonkers who donned the English shirt in Africa

  32. Nuala, Paulie, birthday greetings appreciated.

    Alfie, never read the Sunday Indo that time.

    Nuala I don't dislike the Germans. But from having been in both countries I much prefer England. Albert used to have a towel that was like a king size duvet and it still wouldn't wrap around him! That was before he lost his beer belly!!


    The pegs – brilliant. Pity we hadn’t got it first and put it out about England shirts!

    Metropolitan Police statement: This morning a body was pulled from the Thames. The deceased had an England shirt on, women’s lingerie, suspenders, fishnet stockings, a rubber doll on the end of his todger, and cucumber protruding from his backside. Police removed the England top to save the drowned man’s family any embarrassment.

  33. Anthony,

    `The pundits and tabloids - messengers of sorts, and bad ones at that - are not responsible for the dismal display by England. So why shoot the messenger'?
    Any result, be it good bad or indifferent is the sole responsibility of the manager and ultimately the players.In this instance it would be right to shoot the messenger, and may I say reload.In respect of the tabloids because it is they who have England winning every tournament before they have even begun. As for the pre-match pundits because they have'nt the sphericals to tell it like it is - England do not possess the skills to compete at this level. I have sympathy for the players regardless of their salaries because it's all so predictable
    I did not mean that the team did not deserve your critique simply that you should reserve your comtempt for the pundits and tabloids who bum them up only to pan them when they are inevitably defeated.

  34. Paulie, what about the Germans? FFS!

    Hope they win it.

  35. Robert,

    More a case for sharing contempt rather than reserving it for the pundits and tabloids. Both got it in the pieces I wrote. Not that it matters as the writing was purely recreational and not overly concerned with attention to detail.

  36. Back on to eat humble pie, sort off underestimated the Spanish.
    Hope Holland win, not too keen on the Spanish.

  37. Nuala a bit of bad news for ya hon my Marie has some dosh on the Spanish to lift the cup, me I,m on a beaten docket with the Argintines,if Spain win Marie is gonna buy me a new pair of wellies for Leitrim!!

  38. Marty, don't want to fall out with Marie, so I will say no more.

    Wish the Germans had went the whole way though!

    Albert lost his lot on Argentina, well so he says.

    The young one said, the entire world cup was a punters graveyard.

  39. Nuala,

    A manager’s graveyard too.

    Holland or Spain – tempted to say as Kissinger did of the Iran-Iraq war – pity they both didn’t lose.