Dunked Out

By AM Sunday, June 27, 2010

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St George’s donkeys are out on their asses. No World Cup glory, just disgrace. Blame the ball, the altitude, even the securocrats or the Pensive Quill, there was never going to be any other outcome. Anybody who expected something different should elect to wear a clown’s costume for a month.

This morning my wife, after handing me my birthday presents from herself and the children, was winding me up. She bantered that, having read the article I wrote yesterday predicting their demise, if England won I would take a lot of stick. It didn’t bother me in the slightest. More chance of me being 21 today. I knew I would get another birthday present late in the afternoon courtesy of German soccer skills and England’s lack of them.

The pundits have at last come to their senses and are admitting what a woeful lot the England team were. We were telling that from the opening game. And for our endeavours were accused of being England haters riven with historical spites and past sleights. Up until now the pundits assumed the demeanour of a curious religious sect who believed a divinely appointed messiah from Italy had arrived who would rapture the side into World Cup nirvana. Now they are talking about sacking him. Next time we see them they should be outside some shopping mall wearing flowing gowns, jingling bells and chanting. As useless as the team they offer ‘expert analysis’ on.

The English goalkeeper David James was the best player on their woeful side despite conceding four goals. That just about sums matters up. True, they were robbed of a certain goal but no point in blaming the referee. He like most others doesn’t expect England to score goals and instinctively ruled Frank Lampard’s over the line shot out, not even pausing to give it a second thought. We will hear much of that until the next World Cup. Same as they prefer to show us Diego Maradona’s handled goal in the 1986 tournament rather than the goal which saw him finish after stupefying the English midfield and defence with some scintillating dribbling skills.

In the closing minutes of today’s game against Germany the commentator suggested the referee should blow the final whistle and put the England team out of their misery. No doubt had he been a vet he would have put them to sleep. Revenge of sorts for the audiences they have put to sleep with their less than dazzling displays of soccer.

Overall, England did much better than I expected. They managed to get out of their group and they did win a game. No easy feat for a team with clay feet. But ultimately today’s result put an end to the nonsense we have endured about their potential. It put matters in clear perspective. Up against a side that counts in terms of international soccer, they proved their true worth, and were found to be absolutely worthless. England’s biggest contribution to international soccer tournaments is not to turn up. Look at how good the last European Championships in Switzerland and Austria were when not graced by the English presence.

From Durban to Donkeyland the braying nags of English soccer are on their way home. Good Riddance.