As a heavy metal-loving Presbyterian minister’s son myself living in the rural heartland of the north east Ulster Bible Belt, perhaps folk could say I brought a lot of this criticism upon myself.
Then again, perhaps a part of those folk who choose to live a Puritanical lifestyle is the need to constantly criticise their fellow believers.
Some of these Puritan bigots are never happy unless they are putting the boot in someone for something! And in the Seventies, the local cleric, his wife and his family were fair game for some of these moaning critics.
This month, I clock up 45 years in journalism, although it only seems like the day before yesterday that the late weekly newspaper editor, Maurice O’Neill OBE, took me on as a trainee reporter in the then broadsheet Ballymena Guardian.
Journalism was not my first choice of career and to be honest, I stumbled into journalism by accident rather than by design. As a minister’s son, journalism was to become a much-needed port in the storm of life.
From when I became a born-again Christian at the age of 12 in 1972, I had always told God that I wanted to follow in dad’s footsteps and become a Presbyterian minister. However, telling God what you want to do and what you actually become are certainly not necessarily the same.
As I moved through my teens, life as a minister’s son became tougher to the point where a matter of months before sitting my A levels, I scrapped all notions of being a Presbyterian cleric.
The roughest challenge as a preacher’s kid was always the venom of the judgemental church gossips. No part of your life as a minister’s son escaped their bile and criticism - what I wore, the music I listened to, who my chums were, my schoolboy nickname, what badge I did in the Boys’ Brigade … the list seemed endless.
While I knew the Christian life would never be an easy road, surely there had to be some way of hitting back at the judgemental gossips?
I have written in the past about how I made the decision to abandon any notion of wanting to be a Presbyterian minister and ended up as a tabloid reporter.
I always recall a matter of days after I had made that decision to become a reporter that one ‘wee shit’ from that north east Ulster Bible Belt, whom I nicknamed the Poisoned Dwarf, challenged me on what career path I wanted to take, assuming I would say ‘a Presbyterian minister’. I knew any such answer about becoming a cleric would be met with a really sarcastic quip from the Poisoned Dwarf.
I quietly replied to him: “I want to be a journalist and I want to write for the Sunday World!” The Poisoned Dwarf physically backed away from me! I did end up writing for the Sunday World during my time as a journalist based in east Antrim.
But there is a difference between saying you want to be a journalist and actually using the media as a defence against the dark bile of the judgemental church gossips.
If I thought simply going to university to begin my journalist training was the solution to dodging the wrath of such church gossips, I was sadly mistaken.
Like many university students, I had a part-time job. Mine was in a Christian book shop. But this work seemed to add fuel to the gossips’ fire in the north east Ulster Bible Belt.
One rumour was that I had failed my A levels and had not made it into university and this part-time job in the Christian book shop was all that I could get!
Simultaneously, there was another rumour that I was at university, but the real reason was that I had made a Presbyterian elder’s daughter pregnant and my parents had to get me ‘out of the way’ to avoid embarrassment!
Neither rumour was true, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned as a preacher’s kid its that judgemental church gossips don’t do fact-checking! ‘Why let facts get in the way of some bitter criticism’ is the motto of many judgemental church gossips.
Whilst I could ignore both rumours from the safety of my room in the university halls of residence, things came to a head one Saturday when my mum was doing her weekly shopping as twice in the one day, folk stopped to sympathise with her on me failing my A levels and not getting into university.
Something would have to be done and the opportunity soon arose. I’ve always had a long and mostly happy association with the Christian uniformed organisation, The Boys’ Brigade.
At the time of these rumours, I was a member of the First Ballymena BB company attached to First Ballymena Presbyterian Church. The company was very pro-active when it came to Ballymena Battalion events and competitions.
I’ve always been a cross-country runner, so I was fortunate enough to be selected for the First Ballymena BB team entering the annual Battalion Orienteering finals. Our team was tipped to be among the medal winners in the 1978 event.
It was a cold and wet October Saturday. I wore my usual cross-country running shorts which were no defence for my legs against the briars, thistles and nettles as we searched for the various clues.
But it was worth the pain. I got a silver medal. And a colleague from the media turned up to take our photo. I immediately donned my university T-shirt and the photo was duly printed.
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| John Coulter, second from left, sporting a New University of Ulster (now Ulster University) T-shirt, after competing in the 1978 Ballymena BB Battalion Orienteering finals at Tardree Forest Park. |
Let’s just say, the judgemental church gossip alleged to have started the rumour about me failing my A levels and not making it into university anonymously got received a copy of the photo in the post. We will leave it at that, but the rumours mysteriously ceased! One-nil to the media!
This may come across as a childish, schoolboy-like prank, but I learned one lesson from that episode. Judgemental church gossips fear the media.
Such gossips are quick to point the accusing finger at other folk’s faults, but if journalists investigate those gossips, it strikes fear into the very hearts of those gossips.
Put bluntly, a media investigation is the Achilles heel of the judgemental church gossip. I’ve named it the 323 Rule. That stands for the New Testament text of Romans Chapter 3 and verse 23: “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”
Many judgemental church gossips seem to have ripped this verse out of their Bibles. It can also be summed up using the secular proverb: “What goes around, comes around!”
During my time in journalism, I’ve seen a number of judgemental church gossips hound folk with their vicious rumours, only for some damning scandal to emerge about the gossips themselves!
Then again, some judgemental church gossips never learn.
This may come across as a childish, schoolboy-like prank, but I learned one lesson from that episode. Judgemental church gossips fear the media.
Such gossips are quick to point the accusing finger at other folk’s faults, but if journalists investigate those gossips, it strikes fear into the very hearts of those gossips.
Put bluntly, a media investigation is the Achilles heel of the judgemental church gossip. I’ve named it the 323 Rule. That stands for the New Testament text of Romans Chapter 3 and verse 23: “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”
Many judgemental church gossips seem to have ripped this verse out of their Bibles. It can also be summed up using the secular proverb: “What goes around, comes around!”
During my time in journalism, I’ve seen a number of judgemental church gossips hound folk with their vicious rumours, only for some damning scandal to emerge about the gossips themselves!
Then again, some judgemental church gossips never learn.
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Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter Listen to commentator Dr John Coulter’s programme, Call In Coulter, every Saturday morning around 10.15 am on Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM. Listen online. |
How the hell can you look like you're in your mid 30's in 1978 and nobody batted an eye lid in the Boys Brigade? Must have been a war torn horrific paper round you had there John.
ReplyDeletethat's unkind Steve!
DeleteA lot of beetles scuttle when the media looks into them. What we might be able to say to people in private when we have a stacked audience of similar mind suddenly takes a confidence dive when asked to explain itself in public.
I'd say the same to John's face but I'd hope he'd see it is in good mirth! And the media are a shower of bastards even when they are on their best behavior so fuck 'em lol
Delete