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| Dad |
Dad had always been the solid-as-a-rock person, he was always calm and seemed to just ‘know’ what to do in a crisis. Whenever someone close to me in the family was critically ill, or had passed away, I knew something was wrong before I picked up the phone, because it would have been dad ringing. Thankfully, he still has that stoic personality, but I have noticed in the past two years or so, he has become slightly more agitated and impatient as time goes by.
Now, dad has never been the tidiest of men. As long as I can remember, mum’s constant ‘David, would you pick that up!’ echoed around the house! Don’t get me wrong, he did the ‘man’ things around the house and garden, and is a great cook, and can still manage to get by in the kitchen. Although he has a tendency to forget to turn the gas hob off and of course, leaves the kitchen like a bombsite. But his procrastination has always been a big bug bear with mum. Now, he literally cannot remember what she asks him to do and no matter how many times I’ve told her that she shouldn’t give him lots of chores, she still insists on doing it!
Now, dad has never been the tidiest of men. As long as I can remember, mum’s constant ‘David, would you pick that up!’ echoed around the house! Don’t get me wrong, he did the ‘man’ things around the house and garden, and is a great cook, and can still manage to get by in the kitchen. Although he has a tendency to forget to turn the gas hob off and of course, leaves the kitchen like a bombsite. But his procrastination has always been a big bug bear with mum. Now, he literally cannot remember what she asks him to do and no matter how many times I’ve told her that she shouldn’t give him lots of chores, she still insists on doing it!
I think perhaps her denial is the key to why she refuses to accept he won’t or can’t do certain things. Is she perhaps trying to hold onto the last independence she thinks he has? I’m not sure, for although I’ve tried to have the conversation with her, she insists she knows he has vascular dementia and understands the disease. Unfortunately, what she says, and her reaction and actions, seem to be two completely different things.
While we had been on holiday, mum fell and dislocated her shoulder, chipping a bone in her arm as well, and ended up in a sling and unable to do anything for what we’ve been told up to 3 months! It then fell to me to look after them both, going around to their house 2-3 times a day, getting mum showered and dressed, making sure they had enough to eat and washing and ironing. To say I’ve been knackered since coming home is an understatement and quite frankly, another holiday is badly needed!
Before we even left Crete, I had rung the Short-Term Assessment Team at Ards hospital who were great and called out to see mum to see what kind of package they needed in the short term. After two weeks of me running around like a woman possessed, I asked her why no-one was coming in to wash and dress her in the mornings. ‘Oh, the lady came out, but sure I told her you’ve been great and doing it, so told them not to worry.’
While we had been on holiday, mum fell and dislocated her shoulder, chipping a bone in her arm as well, and ended up in a sling and unable to do anything for what we’ve been told up to 3 months! It then fell to me to look after them both, going around to their house 2-3 times a day, getting mum showered and dressed, making sure they had enough to eat and washing and ironing. To say I’ve been knackered since coming home is an understatement and quite frankly, another holiday is badly needed!
Before we even left Crete, I had rung the Short-Term Assessment Team at Ards hospital who were great and called out to see mum to see what kind of package they needed in the short term. After two weeks of me running around like a woman possessed, I asked her why no-one was coming in to wash and dress her in the mornings. ‘Oh, the lady came out, but sure I told her you’ve been great and doing it, so told them not to worry.’
To say I could have thumped her is nowhere near what I wanted to do!! Apparently though, this is common in the elderly, especially with those who have led a very independent and busy life. The thought of having a stranger come in and tend to their personal hygiene etc is just too much for them to take and they would rather family members take on that role. I however, am the only child, so everything seems to fall on me!
As the weeks passed and mum was still incapacitated, I tried to only call when they needed shopping, or to take them to hospital/GP appointments. I was making sure they had food cooked and I have to say, their friends from the church came in regularly and helped as well.
As the weeks passed and mum was still incapacitated, I tried to only call when they needed shopping, or to take them to hospital/GP appointments. I was making sure they had food cooked and I have to say, their friends from the church came in regularly and helped as well.
I was again getting the constant phone calls from mum, relentlessly harping on about dad. Whether it was the fact he wasn’t getting up out of bed when she wanted him to, wasn’t shaving or showering, even down to doing chores. (I hit the roof when she told me she’d asked him to walk down to a neighbour's house and ask the surname of another neighbour!!) She couldn’t see why he’d point blank said No! Even when I explained, by the time he’d walked there, he’d have forgotten what he was even there for, she still was insistent that ‘he knows where Sylvia lives’!
I could see she was nearly on the knife edge and again tried to bring the subject up of them coming to live with me, even for a trial period. I myself was exhausted and knew that at least if they were under the roof, I’d be here to take the pressure off mum plus wouldn’t be spending precious time travelling to and from their house. Again, it was met with a forceful No. She had come up with every excuse under the sun, she didn’t like the village I lived in, her friends were in Ards, Dad didn’t want to come over. So, an ultimatum was given. Come over, or accept extra help from the Elderly care team.
In hindsight, I may have been too harsh on her. For a couple of days after the ultimatum was given, she took to her bed and was a mess! She refused to get out, spent the day crying and just left dad to his own devices. So, now I was running back and forward 3 times a day to ensure they were getting dinner and to make sure dad was ok. It had now become a critical situation again, and I was forced to ring the Elderly Care team, now for mum as well. I have been having to travel to Derry on Thursday nights to attend a course on Fridays, so had arranged with one of their friends from the church to call in with them while I was gone. I called before leaving, only to find mum still in bed and dad very low. As I sat on the bed with mum, I told her I’d had to ring the Emergency care team. To say that went down like a lead balloon was an understatement, ‘What did you do that for?’ she had snapped. I reassured her that it had been a last resort and that there was no shame or failure in admitting she couldn’t cope. ‘I can cope!!’ she spat. Inwardly, my eyes rolled to the back of my head: who was this woman kidding?
Driving up to Derry, my mind wandered to all the possible outcomes and solutions, and if I’m honest, I got an hours sleep that night, mind still racing as to how the hell I was going to get this stubborn woman to allow me to look after them but still give them their independence. The course was a waste of time the following day, for I was as sick as a dog. Tiredness and the vomiting and nausea I had left me feeling like I was dying, and I couldn’t wait to get home to my bed. So now, I was no use to them. Lack of sleep, stress and severe sickness had left me in bed unable to do anything for them. They say when looking after someone who is ill, look after yourself too. What good is a carer if they are too sick to do anything? That is something I’m working on…
Next time – Walkabout.
I could see she was nearly on the knife edge and again tried to bring the subject up of them coming to live with me, even for a trial period. I myself was exhausted and knew that at least if they were under the roof, I’d be here to take the pressure off mum plus wouldn’t be spending precious time travelling to and from their house. Again, it was met with a forceful No. She had come up with every excuse under the sun, she didn’t like the village I lived in, her friends were in Ards, Dad didn’t want to come over. So, an ultimatum was given. Come over, or accept extra help from the Elderly care team.
In hindsight, I may have been too harsh on her. For a couple of days after the ultimatum was given, she took to her bed and was a mess! She refused to get out, spent the day crying and just left dad to his own devices. So, now I was running back and forward 3 times a day to ensure they were getting dinner and to make sure dad was ok. It had now become a critical situation again, and I was forced to ring the Elderly Care team, now for mum as well. I have been having to travel to Derry on Thursday nights to attend a course on Fridays, so had arranged with one of their friends from the church to call in with them while I was gone. I called before leaving, only to find mum still in bed and dad very low. As I sat on the bed with mum, I told her I’d had to ring the Emergency care team. To say that went down like a lead balloon was an understatement, ‘What did you do that for?’ she had snapped. I reassured her that it had been a last resort and that there was no shame or failure in admitting she couldn’t cope. ‘I can cope!!’ she spat. Inwardly, my eyes rolled to the back of my head: who was this woman kidding?
Driving up to Derry, my mind wandered to all the possible outcomes and solutions, and if I’m honest, I got an hours sleep that night, mind still racing as to how the hell I was going to get this stubborn woman to allow me to look after them but still give them their independence. The course was a waste of time the following day, for I was as sick as a dog. Tiredness and the vomiting and nausea I had left me feeling like I was dying, and I couldn’t wait to get home to my bed. So now, I was no use to them. Lack of sleep, stress and severe sickness had left me in bed unable to do anything for them. They say when looking after someone who is ill, look after yourself too. What good is a carer if they are too sick to do anything? That is something I’m working on…
Next time – Walkabout.
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| Lesley Stock is a former PSNI and RUC Officer currently involved in community work. |
Lesley - it is hard to say I enjoy these pieces given that there is so much painful experience in them. Nor am I anywhere near certain that I would have the cojones to be so candid about it.
ReplyDeleteI think you are providing a remarkable service in writing about it as I have no doubt that there are people reading it who will feel less alone in their struggles when dealing with this type of thing.
Anthony
ReplyDeleteYou know what I always say, unless one can write the truth, what's the point in writing it at all... I don't see any point in glossing over the facts, it is cruel and it is unbelievably hard to understand, but what I will say is that I am blessed Dad still knows us and enjoys his life (when not being hounded by an equally frustrated wife!) I intend to enjoy every day that he is still able to chat, laugh, sing and know us.... Only then I think I will go to pieces.