Gary RobertsonI was an awkward child, shy, retiring.

I didn't do people very well in all honesty. coming from a background of abuse with an alcoholic gambling addicted stepfather and a mother who by her own admission (much much later in life) was far too young to be a mum (15).

I found social interaction difficult. I'd spend hours fishing or just walking through the countryside watching birds, animals, just enjoying the solitude.

This was pretty much how it went for a long time. Friends were scarce and I found myself increasingly less comfortable as I grew in the company of others. I'd pursue pastimes that meant I didn't need to associate. One of these pastimes would gradually and eventually bring me out of my shell and help me find my place in the world - music.

John Miles sang in 1976 that "♫ music was my first love and it will be my last♫ and so it became for me.

I'd spend many wet, wild, cold afternoons in my bedroom listening to all kinds of music from silly love songs to grand operatic classics. This was the early 80s and whilst punk was still prevalent, new genres were springing up all over the place - literally every day something new. It was a great time musically to be alive and I embraced it as I guess most of us did.

Of course I had my favourites: The Cure ๐ŸŽธSiouxsie and the Banshees ๐ŸŽธ Joy Division ๐ŸŽธ The Damned ๐ŸŽธ Southern Death Cult amongst others, all bands already established from the 70s. The Ramones ... the list goes on. But for the turning point, the "big bang" if you like, we have to go back a couple of years to 1979 and Bauhaus. Probably to this day the greatest band to ever come from Northampton and Bella Lugosi's Dead ... this dark, gloomy, nightmarish feel burned into my young ears. It was like nothing I'd heard before and it felt right. This was the music for me - the sound for me. After yet another kicking from my stepfather I'd hide, curtains closed, under my bed, my small second hand battery operated radio clutched tightly as I'd listen to and sob along with the dreary lyrics of this music scene I was very quickly identifying with.

The one friend I did have was Alastair.

I'd known Alastair since I was 4 from the first day at primary school. He'd regularly bring chocolate biscuits to school and share them with me. Kids being kids would ask how you got that bruise or stuff like that.  Alastair was that kid and we grew close like brothers, the very best of friends.

We grew up in a very small village in southern Scotland, my parents having decided that Glasgow was no longer for them. My stepfather, through what he called "ex forces connections" (he was an RAF "man" in his youth) gained a job and a home in the country and that's where this really begins.

I won't bore you with the details of my childhood after all it's not a therapy session so let's hurry forward to High School/Secondary school.

By this time Alastair and I were heavily into our music and we tried to emulate our hero's looks Numan, Smith, McCoy, Murphy and others. The dark aesthetic fitted perfectly with us. After all, this was 1984 and 13 year old me was captivated by this "gothic music and look." We'd read what we could, we'd look for inspiration for new bands, new sounds ... Sisters of Mercy ๐ŸŽธ Fields of the Nephilim Cocteau Twins ๐ŸŽธ Jesus and Mary Chain ... these were exciting times.

The advent of Channel 4 and The Tube shows like The Old Grey Whistle Test ... even Top of The Pops brought new sounds: Depeche Mode ๐ŸŽธ Soft Cell ๐ŸŽธ Kate Bush were mainstream yet still edgy enough for us. We spent most of our teenage years together: we'd sit, drink, chat about everything from girls to ghosts, from aliens to Andi Sex Gang. We had each other our own little goth community - just the two of us - we didn't care and we loved it. Sure, he had "outside" interests, football, fishing, cycling - but we still had our bond, our club, our music. And not a dry evening went by when you couldn't find us somewhere, usually perched on the church steps in the graveyard, for safety's sake mainly so as not to get a kicking from the older guys or other guys who thought we were "queer" and "weirdos" Discussing everything and anything or just listen to music we had managed to record with the hovering finger from Radio1, Radio Luxembourg and others.

These memories, music, to this day, look, are still with me. And whilst life has taken many twists and turns I still smile when I hear these songs, these albums once more. For me, the quintessential goth track is Atmosphere by Joy Division. Sure, there were many before and after that, but its dark, dreary lyrics spoke to me and when people ask me for a place to start that's usually where I send them.

I hadn't seen Alastair much after that for a very long time. Other things sort of got in the way. But I ran into him one day not long before his life ended tragically, the way he wanted, by his own hand. And he asked me "Do you think we did goth right?"

Its taken all these years and finally writing this short piece to come up with a definite answer.

"Yes we did Ally yes we did." 

You see, there wasn't a code book nor a rule book. We did it our way and we had fun doing it. And in the end, isn't that what it was all meant to be about?

We were fledgling goths. We became adults and, now nearing 51, I guess I'm elder goth now. But all I have to do is close my eyes and there you are, there we are sharing orange "club" biscuits and being two kids again.

RIP my friend ... my brother.

⏩ Gary Robertson is a patron of TPQ.

Music And Alastair

Gary RobertsonI was an awkward child, shy, retiring.

I didn't do people very well in all honesty. coming from a background of abuse with an alcoholic gambling addicted stepfather and a mother who by her own admission (much much later in life) was far too young to be a mum (15).

I found social interaction difficult. I'd spend hours fishing or just walking through the countryside watching birds, animals, just enjoying the solitude.

This was pretty much how it went for a long time. Friends were scarce and I found myself increasingly less comfortable as I grew in the company of others. I'd pursue pastimes that meant I didn't need to associate. One of these pastimes would gradually and eventually bring me out of my shell and help me find my place in the world - music.

John Miles sang in 1976 that "♫ music was my first love and it will be my last♫ and so it became for me.

I'd spend many wet, wild, cold afternoons in my bedroom listening to all kinds of music from silly love songs to grand operatic classics. This was the early 80s and whilst punk was still prevalent, new genres were springing up all over the place - literally every day something new. It was a great time musically to be alive and I embraced it as I guess most of us did.

Of course I had my favourites: The Cure ๐ŸŽธSiouxsie and the Banshees ๐ŸŽธ Joy Division ๐ŸŽธ The Damned ๐ŸŽธ Southern Death Cult amongst others, all bands already established from the 70s. The Ramones ... the list goes on. But for the turning point, the "big bang" if you like, we have to go back a couple of years to 1979 and Bauhaus. Probably to this day the greatest band to ever come from Northampton and Bella Lugosi's Dead ... this dark, gloomy, nightmarish feel burned into my young ears. It was like nothing I'd heard before and it felt right. This was the music for me - the sound for me. After yet another kicking from my stepfather I'd hide, curtains closed, under my bed, my small second hand battery operated radio clutched tightly as I'd listen to and sob along with the dreary lyrics of this music scene I was very quickly identifying with.

The one friend I did have was Alastair.

I'd known Alastair since I was 4 from the first day at primary school. He'd regularly bring chocolate biscuits to school and share them with me. Kids being kids would ask how you got that bruise or stuff like that.  Alastair was that kid and we grew close like brothers, the very best of friends.

We grew up in a very small village in southern Scotland, my parents having decided that Glasgow was no longer for them. My stepfather, through what he called "ex forces connections" (he was an RAF "man" in his youth) gained a job and a home in the country and that's where this really begins.

I won't bore you with the details of my childhood after all it's not a therapy session so let's hurry forward to High School/Secondary school.

By this time Alastair and I were heavily into our music and we tried to emulate our hero's looks Numan, Smith, McCoy, Murphy and others. The dark aesthetic fitted perfectly with us. After all, this was 1984 and 13 year old me was captivated by this "gothic music and look." We'd read what we could, we'd look for inspiration for new bands, new sounds ... Sisters of Mercy ๐ŸŽธ Fields of the Nephilim Cocteau Twins ๐ŸŽธ Jesus and Mary Chain ... these were exciting times.

The advent of Channel 4 and The Tube shows like The Old Grey Whistle Test ... even Top of The Pops brought new sounds: Depeche Mode ๐ŸŽธ Soft Cell ๐ŸŽธ Kate Bush were mainstream yet still edgy enough for us. We spent most of our teenage years together: we'd sit, drink, chat about everything from girls to ghosts, from aliens to Andi Sex Gang. We had each other our own little goth community - just the two of us - we didn't care and we loved it. Sure, he had "outside" interests, football, fishing, cycling - but we still had our bond, our club, our music. And not a dry evening went by when you couldn't find us somewhere, usually perched on the church steps in the graveyard, for safety's sake mainly so as not to get a kicking from the older guys or other guys who thought we were "queer" and "weirdos" Discussing everything and anything or just listen to music we had managed to record with the hovering finger from Radio1, Radio Luxembourg and others.

These memories, music, to this day, look, are still with me. And whilst life has taken many twists and turns I still smile when I hear these songs, these albums once more. For me, the quintessential goth track is Atmosphere by Joy Division. Sure, there were many before and after that, but its dark, dreary lyrics spoke to me and when people ask me for a place to start that's usually where I send them.

I hadn't seen Alastair much after that for a very long time. Other things sort of got in the way. But I ran into him one day not long before his life ended tragically, the way he wanted, by his own hand. And he asked me "Do you think we did goth right?"

Its taken all these years and finally writing this short piece to come up with a definite answer.

"Yes we did Ally yes we did." 

You see, there wasn't a code book nor a rule book. We did it our way and we had fun doing it. And in the end, isn't that what it was all meant to be about?

We were fledgling goths. We became adults and, now nearing 51, I guess I'm elder goth now. But all I have to do is close my eyes and there you are, there we are sharing orange "club" biscuits and being two kids again.

RIP my friend ... my brother.

⏩ Gary Robertson is a patron of TPQ.

5 comments:

  1. A lovely, heart-rending piece Gary.

    A true odyssey of what it is like to be "othered" and how to find genuine family and community, neither having to be biological or pre-ordained.

    There is a scene running currently on Corrie Street on a fatal gang attack on a goth. Goths now legally are a group with protected characteristics.

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    Replies
    1. I too found it a heartrending piece.

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  2. Thank you for your kind words gentlemen ... I found peace writing this like I could finally say "goodbye"? ..as for the Coronation Street thing I believe its roots are taken from the tragic story of Sophie Lancaster ..young goth girl killed and boyfriend badly injured by a gang who set upon them in a park in Bacup England ...there's a fantastic piece on YouTube I think it's called "Black Roses" which tells her story ... I'm delighted to have had the opportunity to have written this .thank you again gents

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  3. Gary, thank you for letting us read this very touching tribute to your friend, Alastair. I am the same generation and I too was a early 80s punk. There is a beautiful novel, Mayflies, by Booker-nominated Andrew O'Hagan, about 80s music, movies and male friendship, set just outside Glasgow, that I think you'd love.

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  4. I'll most definately look it up Rosebud. I felt for a long time that I had to lay his spirit to rest and I'm honoured Mr McIntyre gave me the opportunity to do so.
    Thank you so much for reading this and for commenting I'm very moved when anyone takes the time to read anything I put together. I genuinely believe he's finally at rest

    ReplyDelete