Political and religious commentator, Dr John Coulter, presents his usual very irreverent series of awards for the year, an annual event he has been running since 2009.

The five main Northern Ireland political parties, the Southern Irish Dail coalition parties, militant ‘Christian’ (I use the term very loosely) fundamentalists, and Leeds United soccer fans are among the big winners in this year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups and Trophies, now in its 11th season.

The Top Tit Trophy goes to diehard fundamentalists who refused to listen to the advice from the Stormont Executive on Covid 19 restrictions and held religious services and events as normal, and then wondered why so many Christians were falling victim to the pandemic.

Indeed, such was the unfortunate list of nominations for the Top Tit Trophy from militant fundamentalists, that I’ve had to introduce a special award - The Complete and Utter Bollox Plate - for the ‘fundies’ who can come up with the daftest analysis of coronavirus.

Its a dead heat between those ‘fundies’ who say Covid 19 is the Lord’s punishment on the world because of people’s lifestyles or because of the treatment of the unborn, and those ‘fundies’ who maintain an anti-Covid vaccine was made from parts of aborted babies.

Sadly, in both cases, such ‘fundies’ have run aground as tragically many born again Christians succumbed to the virus, including some strongly evangelical preachers, and the health department has shot the ‘aborted babies’ conspiracy theory to pieces.

Speaking of running aground, The Titanic Iceberg Trophy is lifted by the DUP for allowing British PM BoJo to totally outwit the party over the Brexit leaving deal. This award comes with free rubber dinghies (Orange in colour of course!) so that the DUP can row out into the middle of the Irish Sea to collect the award.

Northern Sinn Fein is the worthy winner of The Sod Off We Are Ourselves Alone Shield because of the party’s funeral organisational skills during a pandemic.

The party’s partners - Southern Sinn Fein - collect The Dry Your Eyes Shield as none of the main parties in the Dail want to form a coalition government with the Shinners.

As a special prize for Southern Sinn Fein, I’ve awarded the party The Do Your Sums Properly Bursary to enable their activists to calculate the number of candidates the Shinners should run in an election given the mathematical screw-up they made in the past Dail General Election.

If Southern Sinn Fein had run more candidates, either Fianna Fail or Fine Gael would have had to include the Shinners in any agreed coalition partnership in Leinster House.

The bursary will allow every Sinn Fein member to get at least a Grade C or equivalent in their GCSE Maths in time for the next election. The bursary will be part-funded by the intelligence communities from the UK and Ireland given the number of touts such organisations have managed to place inside the republican movement.

Speaking of the Shinners, too, The Kick The Shinners In The Balls Cup has been won jointly by Fianna Fail and Fine Gael for brushing almost 100 years of Irish Civil War bitterness under the historical carpet and agreeing a coalition partnership which keeps Sinn Fein out of office.

I would have thought the last thing the FF/GF coalition wants is a united Ireland and the impact of Northern Shinners votes on a final all-island Dail Parliament.

Just remember the 1918 Westminster General Election when Sinn Fein won almost 80 of the 105 Irish Commons seats when Ireland was still under British rule.

The Alliance Party romped home in the tussle for The Bursting Bubble Cup for continuing to hoodwink folk in Northern Ireland that the party really is a significant liberal third force in Ulster politics and not a protest party against the ruling DUP/Sinn Fein antics at Stormont.

And hot on Alliance’s heels is the Ulster Unionist Party, which collects The Rambo Shield for continuing to persevere as a political movement against the odds. This award was sponsored by the Vanguard Unionist Party, the Ulster Popular Unionist Party, the British Ulster Dominion Party, the Ulster Loyalist Democratic Party, the United Ulster Unionist Party, the pro-Assembly Unionist Party, the United Kingdom Unionist Party, the Northern Ireland Unionist Party, the Real Unionist Party, the Ulster Monday Club, the Unionist Party of Northern Ireland, the Loyalist Front, the pro-Union faction of the Northern Ireland Labour Party, and the United Unionist Assembly Party.

The SDLP runs off with The Who The Feck Are We Now Cup, for its links with Fianna Fail, Fine Gael and Irish Labour. If only the late Gerry Fitt and the late John Hume were here to sort out the party’s direction in terms of who it should climb into bed with politically.

The Earbashers R Us Trophy has been presented to the new generation of street evangelists who can be found in many town and city street corners hammering out their unique brand of the Gospel Message. Let’s hope this special brand of tub-thumping doesn’t make its way into our actual church buildings as the last time I checked, Our Lord Isn't deaf!

The What An Arsehole Of An Idea Award goes to any politician or political activist who gets involved with the Dail’s Shared Island Unit planning for a post-Brexit Ireland.

The bottom line is - Brexit will seriously economically bugger Southern Ireland, so any talk of a united Ireland in the foreseeable future is being uttered by people living in political la-la land. The South cannot afford the North, and the Brits won’t fund a united Ireland.

Maybe Northern Ireland can declare itself a tax haven like the Isle of Man or the Channel islands, and urge Russians and Arabs with money to burn to invest it in the New Bank of Northern Ireland?

Coulter’s Commendation and automatic elevation into Coulter’s Hall of Fame goes to the Northern Ireland Executive for its collective working in combating the effects of the pandemic.

A lot of folk from various parts of the community want to boot the Executive in the political groin for its handling of the coronavirus thus far.

But I think the Executive is doing a magnificent job against all odds and those yaps slamming Executive decisions should just eat some more Brussel sprouts and make it a New Year resolution to grow a set of balls and actually listen to Executive guidelines. Obey the Executive rules on restrictions, you silly wee ass wipes!

And so we come to the coveted Gobshite Cup awarded to that section of society which has given me the most lip personally on social media during 2020.

In the past, I’ve been the butt of comments by liberal Unionists, mainstream and dissident republicans - you name it, they’ve all exercised their democratic right to have a go at yours truly.

My stance is simple; I believe passionately in the concept of freedom of expression and freedom of speech - and a free Press. So slabber away all you like at me.

But this year’s Gobshite Cup has a sporting theme. Its been awarded to fans of Leeds United football club for constantly reminding me how awful my beloved Gunners have been this season.

Previously, the Man United and Spurs supporters have been having a go, but Leeds fans have been very vitriolic in their criticism of Arsenal’s crisis.

It’s been 1972 since Leeds fans were this gobby. It was the FA Cup final that year and Leeds narrowly defeated my beloved Gunners 1-0. As a young 12-year-old, I was reduced to tears.

My dad was then minister of Clough Presbyterian Church, near Ballymena, and he gave me stern advice that I was not to start a fight with Leeds fans in the Sunday school the following day!

Now in 2020, we face a potential relegation crisis not suffered since 1975 when for a period of time, Arsenal found themselves bottom of the old First Division and narrowly avoided the ‘drop’ by a squeak that season.

In spite of winning the FA Cup and Community Shield earlier this year, we are now fighting for Premiership survival as we enter 2021. Our record of being the only leading club not to have been relegated since 1945 is in danger once more.

The days of my beloved Gunners enjoying a top-four finish in the English Premiership, a good run in the European Champions League and a couple of domestic cups for the trophy cabinet seem like ancient history now.

Of course, its been some 16 years since Leeds were last in the Premiership so I suppose I’m due a right yapping from their fans. Still, be positive, the Gobshite Cup is probably the only trophy Leeds will win this season.

In the meantime, a happy and blessed New Year to everyone on social media, and especially to those who take the time to publish and comment on my articles on The Pensive Quill.

Let’s hope 2021 is the year we finally as a community defeat the Covid 19 and its various mutations once and for all.

Many congratulations to all the award winners in this year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups. Some of you know where to find me to collect your awards.

As 2021 beckons, there’s already an impressive array of arseholes, ass wipes, pillocks, and weirdoes lining up to claim a nomination for the 2021 awards.

 Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter

 Listen to Dr John Coulter’s religious show, Call In Coulter, every Saturday morning   around 9.30 am on Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM, or listen online   at www.thisissunshine.com

Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups And Awards 2020 - The Results!

Political and religious commentator, Dr John Coulter, presents his usual very irreverent series of awards for the year, an annual event he has been running since 2009.

The five main Northern Ireland political parties, the Southern Irish Dail coalition parties, militant ‘Christian’ (I use the term very loosely) fundamentalists, and Leeds United soccer fans are among the big winners in this year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups and Trophies, now in its 11th season.

The Top Tit Trophy goes to diehard fundamentalists who refused to listen to the advice from the Stormont Executive on Covid 19 restrictions and held religious services and events as normal, and then wondered why so many Christians were falling victim to the pandemic.

Indeed, such was the unfortunate list of nominations for the Top Tit Trophy from militant fundamentalists, that I’ve had to introduce a special award - The Complete and Utter Bollox Plate - for the ‘fundies’ who can come up with the daftest analysis of coronavirus.

Its a dead heat between those ‘fundies’ who say Covid 19 is the Lord’s punishment on the world because of people’s lifestyles or because of the treatment of the unborn, and those ‘fundies’ who maintain an anti-Covid vaccine was made from parts of aborted babies.

Sadly, in both cases, such ‘fundies’ have run aground as tragically many born again Christians succumbed to the virus, including some strongly evangelical preachers, and the health department has shot the ‘aborted babies’ conspiracy theory to pieces.

Speaking of running aground, The Titanic Iceberg Trophy is lifted by the DUP for allowing British PM BoJo to totally outwit the party over the Brexit leaving deal. This award comes with free rubber dinghies (Orange in colour of course!) so that the DUP can row out into the middle of the Irish Sea to collect the award.

Northern Sinn Fein is the worthy winner of The Sod Off We Are Ourselves Alone Shield because of the party’s funeral organisational skills during a pandemic.

The party’s partners - Southern Sinn Fein - collect The Dry Your Eyes Shield as none of the main parties in the Dail want to form a coalition government with the Shinners.

As a special prize for Southern Sinn Fein, I’ve awarded the party The Do Your Sums Properly Bursary to enable their activists to calculate the number of candidates the Shinners should run in an election given the mathematical screw-up they made in the past Dail General Election.

If Southern Sinn Fein had run more candidates, either Fianna Fail or Fine Gael would have had to include the Shinners in any agreed coalition partnership in Leinster House.

The bursary will allow every Sinn Fein member to get at least a Grade C or equivalent in their GCSE Maths in time for the next election. The bursary will be part-funded by the intelligence communities from the UK and Ireland given the number of touts such organisations have managed to place inside the republican movement.

Speaking of the Shinners, too, The Kick The Shinners In The Balls Cup has been won jointly by Fianna Fail and Fine Gael for brushing almost 100 years of Irish Civil War bitterness under the historical carpet and agreeing a coalition partnership which keeps Sinn Fein out of office.

I would have thought the last thing the FF/GF coalition wants is a united Ireland and the impact of Northern Shinners votes on a final all-island Dail Parliament.

Just remember the 1918 Westminster General Election when Sinn Fein won almost 80 of the 105 Irish Commons seats when Ireland was still under British rule.

The Alliance Party romped home in the tussle for The Bursting Bubble Cup for continuing to hoodwink folk in Northern Ireland that the party really is a significant liberal third force in Ulster politics and not a protest party against the ruling DUP/Sinn Fein antics at Stormont.

And hot on Alliance’s heels is the Ulster Unionist Party, which collects The Rambo Shield for continuing to persevere as a political movement against the odds. This award was sponsored by the Vanguard Unionist Party, the Ulster Popular Unionist Party, the British Ulster Dominion Party, the Ulster Loyalist Democratic Party, the United Ulster Unionist Party, the pro-Assembly Unionist Party, the United Kingdom Unionist Party, the Northern Ireland Unionist Party, the Real Unionist Party, the Ulster Monday Club, the Unionist Party of Northern Ireland, the Loyalist Front, the pro-Union faction of the Northern Ireland Labour Party, and the United Unionist Assembly Party.

The SDLP runs off with The Who The Feck Are We Now Cup, for its links with Fianna Fail, Fine Gael and Irish Labour. If only the late Gerry Fitt and the late John Hume were here to sort out the party’s direction in terms of who it should climb into bed with politically.

The Earbashers R Us Trophy has been presented to the new generation of street evangelists who can be found in many town and city street corners hammering out their unique brand of the Gospel Message. Let’s hope this special brand of tub-thumping doesn’t make its way into our actual church buildings as the last time I checked, Our Lord Isn't deaf!

The What An Arsehole Of An Idea Award goes to any politician or political activist who gets involved with the Dail’s Shared Island Unit planning for a post-Brexit Ireland.

The bottom line is - Brexit will seriously economically bugger Southern Ireland, so any talk of a united Ireland in the foreseeable future is being uttered by people living in political la-la land. The South cannot afford the North, and the Brits won’t fund a united Ireland.

Maybe Northern Ireland can declare itself a tax haven like the Isle of Man or the Channel islands, and urge Russians and Arabs with money to burn to invest it in the New Bank of Northern Ireland?

Coulter’s Commendation and automatic elevation into Coulter’s Hall of Fame goes to the Northern Ireland Executive for its collective working in combating the effects of the pandemic.

A lot of folk from various parts of the community want to boot the Executive in the political groin for its handling of the coronavirus thus far.

But I think the Executive is doing a magnificent job against all odds and those yaps slamming Executive decisions should just eat some more Brussel sprouts and make it a New Year resolution to grow a set of balls and actually listen to Executive guidelines. Obey the Executive rules on restrictions, you silly wee ass wipes!

And so we come to the coveted Gobshite Cup awarded to that section of society which has given me the most lip personally on social media during 2020.

In the past, I’ve been the butt of comments by liberal Unionists, mainstream and dissident republicans - you name it, they’ve all exercised their democratic right to have a go at yours truly.

My stance is simple; I believe passionately in the concept of freedom of expression and freedom of speech - and a free Press. So slabber away all you like at me.

But this year’s Gobshite Cup has a sporting theme. Its been awarded to fans of Leeds United football club for constantly reminding me how awful my beloved Gunners have been this season.

Previously, the Man United and Spurs supporters have been having a go, but Leeds fans have been very vitriolic in their criticism of Arsenal’s crisis.

It’s been 1972 since Leeds fans were this gobby. It was the FA Cup final that year and Leeds narrowly defeated my beloved Gunners 1-0. As a young 12-year-old, I was reduced to tears.

My dad was then minister of Clough Presbyterian Church, near Ballymena, and he gave me stern advice that I was not to start a fight with Leeds fans in the Sunday school the following day!

Now in 2020, we face a potential relegation crisis not suffered since 1975 when for a period of time, Arsenal found themselves bottom of the old First Division and narrowly avoided the ‘drop’ by a squeak that season.

In spite of winning the FA Cup and Community Shield earlier this year, we are now fighting for Premiership survival as we enter 2021. Our record of being the only leading club not to have been relegated since 1945 is in danger once more.

The days of my beloved Gunners enjoying a top-four finish in the English Premiership, a good run in the European Champions League and a couple of domestic cups for the trophy cabinet seem like ancient history now.

Of course, its been some 16 years since Leeds were last in the Premiership so I suppose I’m due a right yapping from their fans. Still, be positive, the Gobshite Cup is probably the only trophy Leeds will win this season.

In the meantime, a happy and blessed New Year to everyone on social media, and especially to those who take the time to publish and comment on my articles on The Pensive Quill.

Let’s hope 2021 is the year we finally as a community defeat the Covid 19 and its various mutations once and for all.

Many congratulations to all the award winners in this year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups. Some of you know where to find me to collect your awards.

As 2021 beckons, there’s already an impressive array of arseholes, ass wipes, pillocks, and weirdoes lining up to claim a nomination for the 2021 awards.

 Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter

 Listen to Dr John Coulter’s religious show, Call In Coulter, every Saturday morning   around 9.30 am on Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM, or listen online   at www.thisissunshine.com

4 comments:

  1. "Maybe Northern Ireland can declare itself a tax haven like the Isle of Man or the Channel islands, and urge Russians and Arabs with money to burn to invest it in the New Bank of Northern Ireland?.....

    Gets my vote.......

    "Its a dead heat between those ‘fundies’ who say Covid 19 is the Lord’s punishment on the world because of people’s lifestyles or because of the treatment of the unborn, and those ‘fundies’ who maintain an anti-Covid vaccine was made from parts of aborted babies."

    Big Pharma....I don't trust them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Frankie

      Where does your mistrust of Big Pharma and vaccination come from?

      Delete
  2. Many a true word is spoken in jest.
    Athbliain faoi mhaise duit a Shéain

    ReplyDelete
  3. John - many thanks for filling another year with weekly slots. The Awards is now an annual feature! Happy New Year

    ReplyDelete