For Bobby Mathieson, being part of a UVF gang that murdered a Catholic man eventually left him wanting to kill himself.
Ten years into his life sentence in the Maze, the back-slapping camaraderie with fellow paramilitaries had worn thin.
Studying maths and art A-levels was a fulfilling distraction, but when he closed the books and put away his canvas, he would paint a mental picture of his own life - and the sum total was worthless.
Playing football allowed him to show off the silky skills that had seen him signed as a teenager by Linfield and, outwardly, his sporting prowess added to his status as one of the big personalities of the H-blocks, full of character and banter. But inside, in his own head, he felt small, despairing and empty - and increasingly that vacuum was filled with a deep self-loathing.
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