Liberal unionism, judgemental church gossips, and the so-called Pan Nationalist Front are the big winners in this year’s much sought after Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups and Awards.
The prestigious Top Tit Trophy is jointly won by the DUP and Sinn Fein for totally cocking up their respective election strategies in this month’s Westminster General Election and witnessing embarrassing collapses in their votes.
The Gerry Adams sponsored ‘I’ve never been in the IRA’ Cup goes to the Foyle Sinn Fein constituency association for losing the Foyle Commons seat (which it never sat on) by such a massive amount to Stoop boss Column Eastwood.
The Bark At The Moon trophy clearly goes to the Hard Left of the British Labour Party for imagining the mainland electorate would actually vote Jeremy Corbyn into Number 10 Downing Street.
A bonus award for this trophy was that British Labour did not contest seats in Northern Ireland - a move which would have given the party a sure nomination for the Top Tit Trophy.
Granted, the Northern Ireland Tories did finish as runners-up in the Top Tit Trophy, but the nomination panel simply could not find any Tories in Ulster to actually give the TTT to!
The ‘Really Needs To Get A Life’ Cup goes to the ultra Left wing People Before Profit party for thinking it can spark a Russian-style revolution in Northern Ireland. PBP needs to understand it stands in West Belfast, not West Moscow.
The Pharisee Prize goes to the most hypocritical church in Northern Ireland. This category was packed with nominations, so we’ve decided to give it collectively to all judgemental fundamentalist church gossips who spread rumours about their fellow Christians with no regard to the laws of defamation! God loves a liar!
The ‘Heads Stuck Up Their Asses’ trophy was snatched this year by the DUP, who lost its bolthole in North Belfast, and failed to take North Down, and saw once rock-solid DUP majorities in a number of other seats slashed to marginal status. The results showed numerous Unionist voters plumping for Alliance as a protest vote against the Stormont stalemate.
The ‘No Political Brains’ Cup was lifted by the yet again electorally battered Ulster Unionist Party for failing to tell the electorate where it stands on virtually every issue imaginable.
The Alliance Party collects the Bluffers Shield for believing its own propaganda that its big votes at the council, European and Westminster polls were actually the so-called ‘Alliance Bounce’ in action
In reality, it was a massive protest vote by Unionists and moderate Nationalists against the fact that Stormont was collapsed in January 2017 and the DUP and Sinn Fein don’t have the political balls to reach an agreement over an Irish Language Act. Mid January is looming folks!
The ‘Think Again’ Shield is collected by the new kid on the Westminster block, the avidly pro-life Aontu party formed by a former Sinn Fein TD from the Occupied Twenty-Six Counties.
Aontu really needs to rethink its traditional abstentionist policy regarding the House of Commons; have a wee look at the Foyle result, Peadar - top marks for being staunchly pro-life; zero for still sticking to the outdated Shinner policy of not taking Commons seats.
The ‘Let’s Pretend’ Award goes this year to the Stoops - better known as the SDLP, for spreading the ‘bs’ that there’s no such thing as the Pan Nationalist Front, given that such a pact enabled Claire Hanna to clinch South Belfast and the Shinners’ John Finucane to topple Dodds in North Belfast.
Here again, the Stoops very cleverly in both these constituencies rebranded the Pan Nationalist Front as the Pan Remain Pact, thereby fooling a lot of moderate Unionists to lend their ‘remain’ vote to Hanna.
Entering Coulter’s Hall of Shame will be RHI, otherwise known as the Cash For Ash scandal. Think of the number of nurses and doctors posts which could be created, waiting lists slashed, and operations conducted - and paid for - if the RHI dosh had not been wasted on that scheme.
Last, but not least, the highly contentious Gobshite Cup awarded to criticism of me as a supposed wanna-be political and religious commentator after 41 years as a journalist. My special thanks to all on The Pensive Quill who take the time to comment, but I’m afraid this year you have all been pipped by liberal Unionism.
Liberal Unionists keep telling me that liberalism is the way forward for the Unionist ideology and that being Right-wing is outdated! It’s just a pity this is not happening at the ballot box for all the Unionist parties!
Mind you, another reason I’m nominating liberal Unionism for the Gobshite Cup is that it has cured my sleep depravation problem. Instead of counting sheep in the wee small hours, I read an article penned by a so-called liberal Unionist, and I’m off to sleep in no time!
This year also sees a special award, the ‘Piss Off Plate’ which goes to the outgoing Lord Mayor of Belfast and the new North Belfast Sinn Fein MP, John Finucane, who it emerged, was caught short when he needed to have a ‘wee’.
How many of us in society have not faced a similar dilemma? As part of the ‘Piss Off Plate’ prize, I want to invite Mr Finucane to a few loyalist band parades when the 2020 Marching Season kicks off to see how really to piss in public - and not get caught!
Hopefully, the new North Belfast MP will take up my offer as being an abstentionist Shinner, he won’t need to attend debates or votes in the House of Commons chamber.
My heartiest congratulations to all the award winners in this year’s categories. The New Year is not yet upon us, and already there is a fine array of nominations for the 2020 Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups and Awards.
If the 2019 award winners want to collect their trophies, cups and plates, as well as enjoy a wee cuppa and sticky bun at my expense, just contact me via Twitter @JohnAHCoulter
In the meantime, a very Happy Christmas to all my fans!
Follow Dr John Coulter on Twitter @JohnAHCoulter
Listen to Dr John Coulter’s religious show, Call In Coulter, every Saturday morning around 9.30 am on Belfast’s Christian radio station, Sunshine 1049 FM, or listen online at www.thisissunshine.com
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