Toll On Body & Mind

Peadar Gearóid Caomhánach from Derry writes of his struggle with depression and other issues occasioned by smearing over his sexuality.

Never in a million years did I think that I’d resort to the internet to relay such a message as this. But recently I have been under pressure, inflicted upon me by typical Derry slabbers, regarding my sexuality. So much so that my health has been affected and now I feel as I can’t go on living the way I have.

Whatever I have done in the past (and the future for that matter) and who with is my business and no one elses. The knowledge that my business is being talked about and relayed back to me on a weekly basis is heart wrenching. Gay people approaching my ex-girlfriend on nights out and telling her stories of what I’ve done and said seems to pleasure them but not her nor I. Thankfully she’s a strong woman who cares not what I have done. Although sad about it she sticks by me as a friend to the hilt and thank God for her.

Whether I am gay or bisexual is my choice and no one elses. I am fucking literally sick of letting people take my God given right of choosing my own identity away from me. It ends now! Being treated for depression, anxiety and paranoia over this and my increasing abuse of alcohol has taken it’s toll on both my body and mind.

My family have suffered at the hands of this with my uncharacteristic mood and life changes. I couldn’t sit in what were my favourite watering holes and comfortably enjoy the craic with friends without watch the door and being on edge to see what mouthpiece was going to come in and spoil the meeting. I fixed this by getting full fast. Then I’d drink and dance with the Devil and play with fire, throwing all social graces out the window.

I’m an open and outgoing person. Anybody who knows me well enough would be able to tell you that. Recently it’s been a facade. I was luck enough to be brought up by a family who instilled in me good values and morals. Equality was one of them. I find all sorts out people intriguing and attractive. I don’t expect to be singled out and disregarded because of it. Call me greedy, call me what you want. I’ve been called worse by worse.

It’s taken me a long long time to write this, as I questioned other people’s motives for doing so in the past. But I felt it the best way to get my message out there fast. Today I sat for hours scrolling through Facebook looking at the names of friends, family and comrades posting and thought I couldn’t do this. Fearing for what they thought. And I apologise to them. I have lost touch with some close friends and could do so again after this but I will still be the same cunt ye always knew. Sarcastic, wile lookin and witty but always loyal LOL.


  1. Courageous declaration of independence Peadar.

    Respect and good wishes,

  2. Can not hardly believe sexuality would matter now a days. The front of this week's
    Andy tout news has a story about a bloke who is now a woman.,!!!

    Seriously Derry wans wise up.

  3. Gerard,

    it should not matter but unfortunately there is still a lot of animosity and bullying. It is worthy that the above piece appeared.

  4. More courage than I ever had or ever likely to have!

  5. The amount of young people left mentally scarred and suicidal because of bullying surrounding sexuality is a national tragedy, and religion is the principal protagonist involved. Respect to Peadar for speaking out.

  6. It seems very confused to me, but I dont suppose this is a piece posted for critiquing, but ill just ask one thing:

    Call me greedy, call me what you want. I’ve been called worse by worse

    Isnt the purpose of the piece you dont want them to call you what they want? This is what is effecting your health?

  7. I doubt Peadar was alone in his orientation among the different organisations, and as he points out, it's nobody's business but his own.

    Brave piece.

  8. Good for you taking your power back on this, Peadar. Interestingly, the Law Reform Commission in the south has issued recommendations just today for bringing down trollers like these. Hold your head up! Best wishes.

  9. fair play to you Peadar. mind the drink and as behan said, fuck the begrudgers. does anyone remember the two donegal sisters who took their own lives a few years ago, there were a load of young suicides at the time. i remember the media going into a bit of a frenzy over an internet site that people were using to leave bullying comments, it might have been called 'ask' or something like that. anyway, they tracked the guy who ran the site down somewhere in europe. what was his response? - this only happens in ireland, other young people in other european countries use the site properly.

    bullying is part of irish life. if you pull anyone up here on their bullying behaviour, the usual response is, sure im only havin the craic, its a bit of banter, jimmy dusnt mind, or go fuck urself. you can blame the church, the brits, the whoever, but dont u dare blame those lovely friendly smiley happy saints and scholars irish.

    the mean girl phenomenon is rife here now. God love young people now who are being bullied. years ago you could close ur door and get on with things as best u could. now young people wake up in the mnorning knowing there is a stream of abuse waiting for them online. i got to know a few american students when i was taxiing a few years back. lovely girls. the last chat i had with them i asked them what was the thing that surprised them most about here. their answer was something unimaginable to my generation and im not that old. they said they didnt make any friends in the college. and no, they didnt really like the culture here now. sad. so sad. what happened here.

    the best thing to do is not be irish. in a generation the irish will not be regarded as fondly as they once were. i call myself gaelic irish now to differentiate meself from the ignorant anglo american asshole culture that pervades here now. i identify with gaelic culture, and no i dont just mean the language. the biggest liars and bullies live out in conemara but oh dont you know, they speak beautiful irish. i never met a cunt like a conemara cunt and i had the misfortune of working for one, a supposed republican too, a few years back. we left on bad terms and then the slander started. he was very lucky he was over 65.

    have nothing to do with the irish. they will drink themselves to death the way they are going but not before theyve sold the whole island. we have lost our spiritual connection to the land and when that happens every kind of vice and criminal behaviour ensues. which brings me nicely to the biggest bullies on gods earth, the bandits of south armagh.

    you boys will be put on a chain gang and forced to clean up the poison you are pumping into our land, our mother, the godess eriu. you are poisoning our children and our old people and you murdered a lad who was willing to do a days work because he wouldnt bow down to you. the last words he heard during an unimaginable torture was - we are the bosses here.

    i spent years sticking up for u scum back in the day and would get stuck into anyone who referred to south armagh as bandit country. how fucking wrong was i. connolly and pearse would spit in your eye now. u are worse than bandits and you will pay. and because im not a bastard i will let you wear your own clothes on the chain gang and even let you call urselves political chaingang members if you like. where are the decent people i knew up there. ye were supposed to be brave but ur silence is deafening. ye probably buy slob and sturgeons cheap diesel. shame on ye. DONT BUY THEIR DIESEL. And when ur children get sick, dont say ye werent warned.
    the gaels had laws protecting the natural environment. what would they make of ye boys up there. little rockefellers is all ye are. God bless Paul.
    theres a chaingang coming to south armagh, and the 'bosses' will be forced to do something they never did. WORK.