If The Shoe Fits ...

Sean Mallory with his take on the shenanigans that pass for politics in the North. Sean Mallory is a Tyrone republican.

After his party’s poor showing in the internationally local Stormont elections, Mike Nesbitt’s euphoria over his leadership of the UUP’s pre-emptive dive in to opposition has been slightly sullied by being initially trolled by a ... a troll I suppose, over his support for public funding for a mosque and then counter-trolled for his denial of such claims with his continued usage of Nazi references in bolstering his defence.

A lie told a thousand times may very well become the truth Mike but Goebbels and Hitler are not the best character references for any defence! Doesn’t ‘Fuhrer’ translate as guide or leader?

His better half, no not Linda, but his erstwhile Ulster Unionist colleague, Andy Allen, who lost both legs in Afghanistan and due to such horrific injuries qualifies for disabled MLA’s allowance was angst to discover that if he wants to claim it he must be assessed. “That is nuts ... I have two missing legs. I think my condition is pretty clear” MLA Andy was reported as saying in his annoyance at such bureaucratic nonsense. Somewhat similar bureaucratic nonsense which the general public must face when confronted under similar circumstances by the welfare cuts his party wholly supported.

Colm Eastwood led his party, SDLP, in to opposition too, but not in unionism with Nesbitt’s unionists. Eastwood was scathing of the SF/DUP programme for government which has no conditions of accountability. Followed quickly on his heels by Alliance who refused to accept the Ministry for Justice for whatever reason....no one really cares as to why actually.

Thus, this unexpected vacancy left the Justice department up for grabs. The Greens, having met with the two despots up at Stormont for the position, were inclined to decline, due to the post being ‘problematic’ to their party policies as they were given no guarantees on any of them. To put it bluntly the despots were simply following due process by accommodating them with a meeting!

With the Alliance out of it, both politically and neurologically, now the Greens, and Ladyboy Foster’s Unionist Party (well, it is hers, since SHE won the election) ruling out any notion of a Nationalist holding the post, but who should step up to the mark when cometh the hour cometh the man? None other than ‘norn irons’ past mascot Footie, former fleg protestor, and Ruth Patterson’s election manager - Jamie Bryson. Enough CV material to cover a broad range of potential employment possibilities!

Bryson demanded under the primary legislation for such an option that caters for the potential for a non-elected person to be appointed, to be considered by Foster and McGuinness. But he ruled himself out as a possible candidate just as quickly as he demanded to be considered by stating:

Of course it would be beyond ludicrous for OFMDFM to ever seriously consider me for the post of Justice Minister ...... clearly it would be ludicrous to suggest I should be justice minister ...

But recovered his initial enthusiasm for the post to finish off with:

When one considers the dysfunctional shambles that is Stormont, the ludicrous idea that I could ever be justice minister seems reasonable.

It would seem that Jamie is capable of logic in his madness too!

Jamie’s potential to manage the justice department could be as successful as his management of Ruth’s election campaign of winning a grand sum of 475 first preference votes. He humbly accepted that Ruth’s failure to poll much stronger than what had been the reality of her likelihood of success, being down to his lack of and most likely absolutely no experience of any management skills .... ludicrous suggestion Jamie!

Bryson, having committed political Hari Kari by moving his lips, and ruled himself out, left the post open to Independent Unionist Clare Sugden.

Ms Sugden’s appointment, ruled as a flagrant abuse of D’Hondt by the SDLP, earned SF and Foster Unionists the ire of Mr Eastwood who stated: "It's very clear to our electorate that this is a position for which no nationalist need apply."

SF wholly endorsed her appointment while watching from the side-lines as the Committee for Justice which oversees Ms Sugden, fell in to the control of Unionism.

Away from Stormont, unusual storm clouds were gathering within the corridors of the local media.

Liam Beckett, a BBC pundit, foolishly retweeted a violent threat made against Maclachi O’Doherty. O’Doherty’s comments regarding motorcycling road racing and how its dangers far out sell its art seems to have been the sparkplug for Beckett’s tweeters to vent their frustration at such a ludicrous suggestion.

The tweet, demanding that O’Doherty should be done in the legs and mouth for such remarks, upset O’Doherty to the point where he took a Charlie Hebdo stance in his Belfast Telegraph article on the said subject. No, not of motor cycle racing but of freedom of speech.

Beckett profusely apologised and blamed his poor sight of judgement on a lack of reading glasses and presence at a function (‘pissed’ being a more colloquial term that imbues the avid reader with clarity) when he received it.

Accepting it, O’Doherty and still smarting from such a tweet, still insisted that Beckett knew full well the content of the tweet and was fully aware of what he was doing when he retweeted it. Old blood spilt there perhaps!

Another BBC pundit, Jude Collins, also came under fire for tweeting a photograph of the Boys Brigade as a comparison to photographs of Dissidents marching in full paramilitary style uniform in Lurgan ... illegally too. All caused by the Unionist furore over the image of a 10 year old boy dressed as his adult companions on that particular parade. Attacked by the Boys Brigade for making such an horrendous and ludicrous comparison and who defended their Brigade by its very Christian virtues and work .... similar Christian values once held by Jim Jones .... and by Ellis O’Hanlon of the Belfast Telegraph for such crass stupidity and demanding that Collins be ignored from now on (which is what usually happens to Ellis and her articles) and from Nelson McCausland, another Belfast Telegraph columnist. McCaulsand went one step further and demanded the BBC investigate and remove Collins from their services and also called for Amnesty International, founders of Child Soldiers International to comment on the little unarmed boy in military garb. Collins refused to apologise for his tweet but apologised if he hurt anyone by it ... fair enough.

And so ...

As the Taliban in Afghanistan quickly appointed second in command, Mullah Haibatullah Akhundzada, to replace the death of Mullah Akhtar Mansour in a US drone strike, thus completely undermining the US claim of having made a highly effective disrupting strike, as Canadian ambassador and ex-Mounty, Kevin Vickers, extends his diplomatic status to include freedom to assault Irish citizens when expressing their right to protest in their own country, as the British government take no responsibility for the cluster bombs they sold to Saudi Arabia and are now outlawed but being used in the war in Yemen by the Sauds, as Germany comes to terms again with another mass sexual assault, on currently reported 18 women, at a music festival, by Pakistani men, some of whom are reported as refugees/immigrants, as Malachi O’Doherty nutures his personal pique to Beckett’s tweet, hopefully he will make the call for his colleagues also to abide by his Charlie Hebdo standards with regards to Jude Collins, as ex-soldier, Glenn Bradley hits out at Unionists in their attempts at excluding Martin McGuinness, in his role as DFM from Somme commemorations by stating that, "Unionists don't own the Somme and have no right to exclude Sinn Fein's McGuinness."

Let’s hope that the Willie Fraser’s of this world take heed and recall that the battle occurred quite some time before partition and therefore marking those who were butchered in Flanders and members of the Ulster Division as Irish, as Unionist irritation is expressed in the mainly nationalist town of Magheraflet, where the Royal British Legion have applied for planning permission to build a memorial to WWI and WWII dead soldiers on Broad Street and based on a similar centotaph design in London now face the prospect of Padraig Pearse staring down at their honorable dead.

Similarly but certainly not based on the cenotaph in London, and described as exciting by SF MLA Ian Milne (prison number 666), Co Derry and Antrim Republican Graves Association plan a memorial to the 1916 Rising of a statue of Pearse reading the proclamation on Broad Street also and close to the proposed site for the Royal British Legion’s monument. What is known is that Pearse would be more than 5 metres high and thus most likely looking down on the other cenotaph!, as Nelson McCausland’s call for Amnesty International to comment on the little unarmed boy in military fatigues will hopefully be extended to cover all organisations that dress unarmed little boys in military fatigues. Such as:

Army Cadet Force (aged 12 – 18),

Combined Cadet Force,

The Sea Cadet Corps, and

The Air Training Corps.

And all sponsored and supported by the British Ministry of Defence.

Nationalists can now wholeheartedly look forward to a completely impartial and fair Justice department based on the jurisprudence of Unionism. Can look forward to an education department now under similar Unionist guidance to which those schools teaching in the Irish language medium can rest assured of their continued funding. They can look forward to the Willie Fraser lynch mob raising their arms in thanks to Jesus for recent developments on information presented to the Kingsmill Massacre enquiry 40 years after it was initially found, and based on a palm print that has a match to some poor Nationalist/Republican croppy and thus one of the potential gunmen. All based on recent forensic developments. But let’s hope that these ‘recent forensic developments’ are much more substantial than the discredited forensic test used in the conviction of the Craigavon Two.

They can look forward to the Euros where, aghast at Michael O’Neill’s ludicrous claim that a large section of Nationalists support his team, they will be cheering on the other O’Neills real Irish team, while simultaneously not concerning themselves too much with the UK’s referendum on continued EU membership ... it’s a Unionist thing really!



  2. Seriously enjoyed that. Trying to type here, not easy for laughing. Andy Allen would do well to remember the joke about the two Irishmen in the British Army in Iraq. Paddy stepped on a mine and with a huge bang and puff of smoke was discovered seconds later screaming on the ground a short distance away. Aaaaagh aaaaaagh Seamus he says I've lost me legs...... Ya lying bastard said Seamus, sure there they are over there! Scottish comedian recently described unionism as the idea that two similar nations can do better working together, it applies everywhere except Ireland.

  3. Bloody daft the moronic DUP are, can't stand them lol

    But...must 'fess up to being a wee kid in the cadets many moons ago, and I knew of 3 catholic kids in it too, though obviously they had to keep it schtum. I was standing next to one of them in the canteen one morning when he came face to face with a kid from his school.

    The look of sheer dumbfoundedness on both their bakes was something i'll never forget.

    "What are you doing here?" "What are YOU doing here"...priceless.

    Just wee boys playing soldiers, politics/religion having fuck all to do with it.