TPQ Vacancy

Sean Mallory ribs TPQ about a potential vacancy. Sean Mallory is a Tyrone republican.  

Applicants are invited for the soon to be ‘temporary’ post of Website Editor for the much adored and in equal breath, abhorred website, The Pensive Quill.
Due to uncanny precognitive powers of future judicial events resulting in a soon to happen anticipated leave of involuntary absence, a vacancy will ensue for the current post of Web Editor.

This is a temporary post of a period not covering more than 5 years (we think!) and expected to initially cover a minimum period of 2 years (based on past recrimination procedures that have fallen under the articles of the Good Friday Agreement) but this may be extended if circumstances dictate or the current holder of the post has hired a really shit brief. 

Applicants will be expected to make allowances for the vague and ambiguous unspecified time period involved. 

Proven track record of never being wrong.    
Must demonstrate the ability to always have the last word.  
Having served more than 10 years in one of Her Majesty’s establishments for crimes against the British Empire but definitely no longer than 18 years. Those who have served longer terms need not apply – has potential to lead to friction or jealousy.   
Large cranial brain-pan with particular focus on an extended forehead. 
Must present proof of distinct and unique collection of Canadian lumber-jack shirts. 
Penchant for reading foreign language thrillers by authors who names no-one can pronounce and that nobody, if pushed on it, really likes....Scandinavian authors preferable.
Ability to respond to articulate and eloquent submissions on the website with completely irrelevant and obscure writings by enigmatic philosophers which also strangely, are the owners of unpronounceable names. 
Experience of audio recording and interviewing techniques. (Applicants should have experience of interviewing techniques that encourage people to be forthright, unreserved and honest on the agreed basis that you will never publicise their recorded revelations until they are dead....then snigger as they leave!)
Exclusive and illegible handwriting that not even a fuckin' cryptographer could interpret. 
Proven ability to point out the faults and nuances of the only dwindling bunch of people still talking to you to the point that you annoy the fuck out of them but still expect them to call you their mate. 
Liverpool FC supporter – (yeah, I know!)

Honesty – the non-elasticated type.
Holder of certificate to Grade III, in ‘Incorrigible Irish republicanism’.
Proven ability to think and reason beyond the realms of normality.  
Third level education, preferably to Doctorate level in a relevant political subject.
Proven track record in exposing lies and hypocrisy.   
Ability to morally defend unpopular causes against the mob.   
Hold the personal attribute of someone, who if it is within their capacity, will not let you down.

Application forms and information regarding the post can be downloaded from The Pensive Quill at:’ttakemyjob

CVs will not be considered so please do not include them. The post will include a considerable lack of a remuneration package that isn’t pro rata based and in fact doesn't really exist at all but is open to discussion after successful appointment.....though a very short discussion! 

Closing date for all applicants is just as obscure as the period the post covers.....just get your application in as soon as possible.


  1. Thoroughly enjoyed that. Agood laugh. Serious business having a mirror placed in front of yourself. Glad he doesn't know ME, impulsive, ill tempered leprechaun-midget/Danny Devito mongrel crossbred.

  2. Haha well done Anthony - I knew it was a joke when I saw the Liverpool supporter😜

  3. Will the post be gerrymandered towards fellow travelers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or could Danny Morrison realistically apply?

  4. Danny Morrison could apply if he'd stop being a Brit Agent and having a collection of gormless looking 'reflective' arty wanker portrait photographs on his website!

    Not enough hair on his bake either!

  5. Steve Ricardos

    On that (belly laugh) note, I will retire for tonight!!

  6. Oh and any editor must be quick off the mark incase any geriatric members casually drop the N-bomb etc