Stormont Spuds

Thomas Dixie Elliot, a former H-Block blanketman, runs a bemused eye over peace processed potatoes.
The Stormont House Agreement has been finalised, Welfare Reform is agreed and peace reigns over the Big House on the Hill.

 The days become a week and it's dinner time on the following Monday.
"Who ate the all spuds?"

"The Shinners!"

"We did not. If anyone has any information as to who ate all the spuds I would advise them to put their money where their mouths are and come forward with it. "

"That's it I'm withdrawing my party from the canteen and the institutions until the matter is resolved to our satisfaction."

"I suppose we'll have to pull out too given we are the largest Unionist party."

"Given that you are the largest Unionist party it then stands to reason your lot ate more spuds than our lot. "

"The SDLP are staying out of this. We bring our own sandwiches to the table."

And so it continues... For weeks... Until....

The Americans send a special envoy.

Doug Hanksboy is the owner of a hot dog stand on Pennsylvania Avenue. He suggests doing away with spuds altogether, replacing them with hot dogs. However he leaves, frustrated after further weeks of negotiations fails in coming to an agreement as to which sausages to put in the hot dogs; Doherty's or Cookstown.

Finally a new independent monitoring committee is established to oversee portions dished out to each individual MLA in the canteen.

And so peace reigns again .... For another while at least.

"Who keeps using up all the toilet paper? I had to resort to the gutter press."


  1. Wheres the money they gave us to put a stop to our criminality?

    I spent it on drugs.

    Fine we'll just sell the drugs 'n make more money.

    We can't. The PSNI caught the drugs.


  2. Republicans praising British Queens? Its a load of Irish Cobblers.