Churches Tied up in Knots: 50 Shades Could Help

John Coulter with a wry take on the Christian churches evasion of resp0nsibility when it comes to sex education. John Coulter is a radical right wing unionist writer and an evangelical Christian. He is also a columnist at the Irish Daily Star.

Every cleric, nun, pastor and reverend should show the courage of their Christian convictions and see a screening of the erotic bonkbuster, 50 Shades of Grey, starring Ireland’s Hollywood hunk actor Jamie Dornan.

And if these Christian clergy had any genuine courage, they would bring their flocks along to see a contentious screening.

The fact that clerics – especially from the Irish Christianity’s fundamentalist fringe – are ordering their flocks to snub it unveils the real dilemma which the Churches face.

It is not the bondage and brutality that has embarrassed the clergy; it’s the clear fact the modern day Christian Church has abandoned its spiritual responsibility to deliver sex education to the community.

Instead of lambasting their congregations about the evils of ’50 Shades’, clerics should be encouraging churches to watch the film – and then discuss the relevance of the sexual scenes unveiled in the film.

Sadly, modern Christianity seems petrified to want to educate its denominations about the joys of sex, preferring instead to dump this moral obligation onto the schools as part of science or religion lessons.
How many Christian marriages could be saved if they were spiced up with some of the bondage scenes from '50 Shades’?

Unfortunately, the Christian Churches are stuck in the late 19th century of the Victorian era when hundreds of missionaries from Ireland and Britain travelled to Africa to convert the heathen natives to Christianity.

Missionaries were shocked at the sexual techniques of many of these tribes and invented the so-called ‘Missionary Position’ to combat what they perceived to be the un-Biblical sexual activities of the unconverted natives.

There would be a lot fewer Christian young people and Christian marriages facing a sexual crisis in their relationships if clerics and nuns took a more pro-active role in sex education.

Tragically, modern day sex education in the churches is nothing more than 'stay a virgin until your married, keep to the missionary position and if you have any queries, ask your local biology teacher or discreetly discuss it with your chums in the playground!

The Churches would rather indulge in Hell-fire sermons about the Biblical evils of fornication, adultery and homosexuality, instead of stressing the joys and role of sex in a relationship.

In reality, the Churches have a credibility problem. Given the celibacy pledge in Catholicism, how can a couple seek advice from a supposedly virginal priest or nun on how the bedroom can become a place of pleasure rather than a bolthole of boredom?

In Protestantism, sex education is seen in many churches as ‘dirty talk’ and many couples – even those who have attended pre-marriage classes – are brushed aside by the ‘we recommend trial and error’ methods.

Okay, I understand the brutality against a women in ’50 Shades’ could become very contentious. However, given how many women are treated as second class citizens by several Christian denominations, surely the female submissive elements of the film would be right up the street of the anti-women brigade in churches?

And given the film’s erotic bondage scenes, I can equally understand how the militant tub thumpers will argue ’50 Shades’ will pollute people’s minds.

But the protests from some Christians churches makes me wonder if it is just a smokescreen because the clerics know some of their flock are indulging in the bondage sessions in their own bedrooms.

Fundamentalist fury at ‘50 Shades’ will soon evaporate, and the Christian churches will sigh with relief that the spotlight has moved away from them facing up to their spiritual and social responsibilities.

Maybe the Christian Church should campaign to have the Biblical passage about people becoming ‘one flesh’ left out, then the Church could once more duck its duties. I’ll probably be hung by the wrists as a heretic for suggesting this!

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