Prepare for an Unhappy New Year: Terror, Turmoil to Plague 2014

John Coulter, with a piece from his regular column in the Irish Daily Star. It featured  on 31 December 2013.

Terror, turmoil, tearaways and tragedy will grip 2014, according to Coulter's Crystal Ball. But it's not all doom and gloom; on the sporting front, while Germany will win the soccer World Cup in Brazil, other teams will wipe the floor with the English, who will return home humiliated.

While the various dissident republican terror gangs will step up their campaigns of violence, it will come to a sudden, dramatic halt with a Loughgall-style ambush by the security forces.

In the European poll, Robbo's DUP will take a right pasting over the Ricky Haass concessions, but party runner, dishy Diane Dodds will hold her seat – just about!

But things will not be so politically hot for other parties in the super council elections on the same day, as Bazza McCrea's NI21, Policing Minister Davy Ford's Alliance, Big Al's Stoops, and Mickey Nesbitt's UUP will all get the drubbing from Hell.

The Shinners will hold their vote and seats, but there will be a stepping up of the phasing out of ex-Provo jailbirds in their ranks, especially as elected reps.

The South will have more economic pain to endure, forcing King Kenny to seriously consider re-introducing the punt as the national currency.

The Scots will unfortunately reject independence, but will have to put up with the second best option, known as 'Devo Max', or maximum devolution.

Ironically, this will have knock-on consequences for Stormont as it, too, will be given additional powers as 'Devo Max' means independence in all but name.

Although King Kenny may be riding high in the Republic's popularity polls at the moment, his star will soon fade as he delays the introduction of the punt and he will then face a leadership challenge.

The grassroots favourite to lead the Fine Gael coup is Kerry MEP and former GAA president Sean Kelly.

Talking of Europe, more polls will show a demand by British voters to quit the European Union as Prime Minister Dandy Dave Cameron struggles to fend off the serious challenge from the staunchly euro-skeptic outfit, the United Kingdom Independence Party.

This in turn will lead to the formation of a significant fourth force in Southern politics as a new party will be launched aimed at taking the South out of the EU now that the euro cow has been milked dry.

On the legal side, more bloggers, tweeters and social networkers will find themselves in court as the law tightens drastically on what folks can slabber on about on the internet.

Expect even more child abuse scandals to rock the Christian Churches across the island, as the topic of abortion rockets to the top of the political agenda.

With the Churches already split over gay marriages and women clergy, Christians will again begin ripping each other apart over issues such as the use of gay blood and gay adoption.

Irish president Mickey D will have tea and buns at Buck House with Queen Bess, leading to a new Anglo-Irish Treaty which will see the South sucked into an even closer union with Britain, while Northern Unionists will be forced to accept more cross-border co-operation.

More Prod Loyal Order and band parades will be banned, resulting in more confrontations with top cop PC Baggie's peelers.

But this will mean more coppers will have to be recruited specialising in riot control. The North will continue to be a crap footie team, sparking a torrent of calls for an all-Ireland soccer squad.
So much for a happy new year … roll on Easter!

1 comment:

  1. Your prediction might well come true as the thought police are the enemy in a democracy who prefer we read and hear only what they have to say.
    Slabbering on the net might well become a crime if only to serve the purpose of silencing people who enjoy being critical of those who believe they are beyond reproach.
    Which would rattle my cage as I wouldn’t be able to wind you up although I got a good laugh at your funny take on 2014?