review of the film A Belfast Story.Guest writer Thomas Dixie Elliot with his
From the first sight of Colm Meaney, the soon to retire detective (Aw no, not that old one) in Columbo's raincoat spotting the clues, I knew I had to see if it got much worse.
And I wasn't disappointed...
The badges on the uniforms of the 'Northern Ireland Police Service' brought back memories of Captain Scarlet. Every movie cliché was thrown in and of course you wondered a lot.
How the fuck I wondered could masked men with guns drive round Belfast without someone, anyone shouting...'Fuck me masked men with guns! every two minutes. In fact I reckon those two wore their masks to bed.
Somebody was killing former IRA men and we didn't know who of course because they wore masks all the bloody time.
The IRA fixer was another cliché and I loved the part were two half wits wanted to mug him for 'his nice jacket'. Would you believe it if I said it was a combat jacket?
One Clint Eastwood draw of a revolver and the boyos are off to search the bins for a better looking coat. 'Ah bloody peace', says the fixer, 'this city used to be too hard for the likes of them.'
I know - I know.
The Watchers who watched Loyalists areas made me wonder what they were watching for given that nowadays loyalists are more than likely to be found in the company of Shinners. One Watcher watched because... 'It might be a few years since everything went quiet but I'm staying vigilant.'
Did I say that there was a First and only Minister? Oh aye. Marty, Gerry and the other Gerry all rolled into one.
Just as I was thinking to myself that this film is set in the Ireland of Father's Ted and Dougal and who should pop up but Da from Give my Head Peace as a mad former IRA bomber.
Then after it turned out that Ma has married Colm Meaney's Columbo - she must have finally left Da - I just thought to myself...
Ah feck no, those two masked boyos just couldn't be Uncle Andy and Big Mervyn...