HET Harrass Saint Columba

Guest writer Thomas Dixie Elliott with a light hearted take on a pageant type event in Derry on Friday evening reenacting the return of Saint Columba to Derry. Thousands attended. It was part of the UK City of Culture, strange as that title may sound for an Irish City.

Saint Columba was arrested by the PSNI on Frdiay after leaving the Oak Grove Bar in Bishop Street. He is being questioned by the historical inquiries team (HET) in regards to a battle in 561 which he is accused of starting over a book. Thousands of men died in the battle but Saint Columba says he was in Iona at the time.

His solicitor Paddy Mack said he is a supporter of the Peace Process and has worked many miracles, such as healing people with diseases, expelling malignant spirits, subduing wild beasts, calming storms, and even returning the dead to life after a night in the Telstar Bar.

Paddy Mack added that he is also accredited with Derry City's treble winning season as well as the time the County beat Cork in the 1993 All Ireland final. The Saint denies helping Dana win the Eurovision Song Contest saying that was an Act of God and not his fault.

The solicitor said Saint Columba was 1500 years old and had returned to Derry to visit his beloved Oak Grove which he was shocked to learn had been turned into a pub.

After he performed a few miracles turning watered down lager into Coors Light he left the bar for a fish supper and found himself being dragged into a landrover by the PSNI whom he described as being worse than the Picts.

Local MLAs said they would pray for Saint Columba at Mass on Sunday and light a few candles. However the DUP in a statement said, 'that God should strip Columba of his Sainthood and fling him into the fires of hell where he should remain for all eternity.'

Paddy Mack said that as his charges fell under the terms of the Good Friday Agreement, Columba would only have to spend two years in Hell...


  1. Brilliant Dixie, for sure it represents a lot of the farce we see today

  2. Hope the Boston College tapes on Saint Columba will not be handle to the PSNI...Saints will fall...

  3. Controversy at City of Derry Airport

    The Patron Saint of Derry left the city today on his return to Iona.

    To the amazement of fellow travellers Saint Columba managed to fit 3 suitcases into one of Ryanair's measuring cages.

    Check in Supervisor Helen Tights accused the saint of working miracles in order to bypass the cabin baggage rules.

    Angry words were exchanged before Columba turned the Ryanair employee into a fluffy white kitten.

    As security staff removed him from the airport Columba shouted that from here on in he'd be travelling by currach and to hell with Ryanair.

    A Derry man, red from the chest up, who was returning from Benidorm wondered out loud if he'd just returned from hell with Ryanair.

  4. Brilliant wee read, class. have it on my 'bakebook' page