The video that goes with this is titled VileVaticanVille
My fear is that the anger/disgust at the crimes of the Vatican and the the call for Justice will dissolve as the general public grows weary of gross revelations of more abuse of minors repeatedly in the media worldwide. What is in the media is only the tip of the iceberg of the crimes. Long after myself and others have shuffled off our mortal coils there will undoubtedly be more atrocities revealed. I was born into a fiercely Catholic family which ensured decades of my silence coupled with my own misplaced shame. Hence I understand the crippling power of silence on many victims/survivors. I also want to state that there were Catholic nuns who were as sexually sick and perverted as Catholic priests. Both priests and nuns sexually abused children.
I am 53 years old and experienced physical and psychological abuse within the constructs of Catholicism from aged 7 years through to 14 years of age. The sexual abuse on me occurred at 14 years of age. All I can add is that I died but my heartbeat kept on. Nothing was ever the same again – something died forever in me.
I have retained a belief in God, am not an atheist much to the amazement of some and rage of others! My belief in God does not however mean I dumb down the truth. And this is the truth... One can never replace a damaged childhood ... one can only learn new ways to live and survive the helltimes of flashbacks, nightmares, grief and depression when they hit down hard.
Life has to go on and life is meant to be lived. Sadly many survivors have not lived long as adults due to depression and addiction directly related to the impact of clergy abuse. I have vowed to never give up no matter how bad the times can be – fight on and keep fighting the Beast til it is groveling, caged and totally disempowered.
Catholicism betrayed us Irish in so many ways but none so hideous as abuse of us children. And we survivors are telling you how profound the damage is on one even now as adults decades on – the impact on our quality of life.
My hope is you who read this will listen and act. Wake up Ireland wake up! And demand the Vatican be held to account for crimes against humanity.
A lot of people think time is a healer. I disagree. My own experience has been that the grief and flashbacks have intensified as I have aged and some may laugh at this – but I fear aging. Old people recall their youth. I never want to recall my life from 7 years of age to 14 years of age but sometimes it all crashes in. And that is the impact of abuse.
The following is what I wrote last year which is everything I have ever wanted to shout at the Vatican. The Vatican does not want to listen – I hope you do. It is not slick or intellectual or clever. It is words raw, real and birthed from a type of trauma that never leaves one alone.
Fighting the BEAST 2012
More than survivors
More than victims
More than labels
More than myths
More than money profiting, healing fables
More than PTSD
More than flinching when someone inadvertently touches your skin
More than the cringing, terrorised child who lives within
More than jerky disclosure and decades too late, tears
More than token sympathy coming our way
More than useless words and prayers today
More than shocked looks and rejection fears
More than times of washing and washing but NEVER feeling clean
More than that curse on childhood from the OBSCENE
More than vicarious interest of those spared this fate
(they have not a clue)
More than evil and more than that word Sin
Our Father who art in Heaven
Where the Hell were You?
ALL GLORY to the motivating, searing anger burning within
More than flashbacks
More than self hate
More than terror
More than residual childhood fear
More than media coverage
and survivor claims for Vatican blood money
More than the land of synthetic milk and honey
More than all of this
We are alive and will NEVER be silent again
We will FIGHT and we will fight some more
We will take on the Vatican Whore
We will fight until our heartbeats cease
We will die knowing we individually/collectively fought the Beast
We fight solely for the next generation to be safe and strong
The only healing worth promoting
The only way to right the wrong.
That is how we will serve our life sentence so
NEVER tell us to be silent
We will only rise up more - louder and louder
We are only beginning...
The fall of the Vatican
would be like Heaven
for some of us
BUT STILL the indoctrinated, teeming minions
continue to worship and drink the Whore’s pus...
NO MERCY - they showed us children none.
Now is our time to reciprocate.
P.S. I believe Jesus approves of this.