Would The Real Paul Merton Please Stand Up

In usual form Sean Mallory is not impressed by Arleen Foster nor Theresa May.

More to the Unionist psyche, we have found out that the DUP's intransience and inability to agree to equality during the Stormont talks is to be rewarded by the much humiliated May.

A British Prime Minster whose recent humiliation by the DUP, on at least two occasions, seems to cause her no concern. May along with the DUP, a party steeped in traditional moral and ethical values except when it comes to money, has been rewarded with a tranche of their one billion bung to be allocated as they choose.

And an amendment to restrict the time frame of a new Parliamentary Act that now requires political parties in Norn Iron to declare their funding.

The Act is not to be back dated so as the DUP can avoid having to fully explain where the £400,000+ for their wrap around London anti-Brexit campaign advert came from ... more of their moral and ethical behaviour on full display.

Speaking of Parliament, traditional parliamentary protocol follows the age old accepted practice of having parliament vote and pass government spending in order to illustrate to the commoners that there is accountability in government spending.

To overcome this traditional practice May in conjunction with the DUP have unethically decided to waiver this traditional practice and issue the tranche without parliamentary approval but give the commons a vote after such. Something about a horse and a stable door comes to mind!

Which brings to the fore why demands by the DUP to be re-empowered at Stormont falls on the deaf ears of Nationalists. Malfeasance and the DUP is much like the leopard and its spots.

Sinn Féin, after stating that a deal had been done on an Irish language Act, announced that the deal was reneged on by the DUP due to the anti-Irish position of the DUP grass roots. The DUP responded with a denial and continues to respond that there was no agreement but an un-agreed draft in spite of insurmountable evidence to the contrary.

They also, Sinn Féin that is, failed to explain why they had failed to secure any of their other red lines such as Foster standing aside while the RHI investigation continues, no agreement on legacy issues and marriage equality or bill of rights .... all quietly forgotten about within the draft agreement and why they allegedly agreed to some Military Covenant Act being pushed by Jeffrey Donaldson!

The SDLP reeling from the failure of the talks and Foster's denial of responsibility vented their anger through tweets and with a particular plug on the recent Siberian snow fall on Ireland.

“Never mind the beast from the east what about the cunt from the North” – a tweet in reference to Arlene Foster.

SDLP Councillor Denise Mullen reported that her son had retweeted a tweet on her phone while she was in the shower and fell over backwards to apologise to the DUP and Foster. Why the tweet was on her phone or who sent it to her has like the Talks draft agreement remained a mystery.

The tweet already well circulated on the internet information highway was doing the rounds and ‘unexpectedly’ ended up on her phone.

Dup colleagues of Foster fell over themselves to condemn Mullen and reported her to the PSNI for breaching some crime against culture or some similar censorship act thingy. Angrily, they demanded she apologise and explain which ran contrary to their support for Fosters flawed denials of the draft agreement.

Anyway, Mullen obeyed as demanded and profusely apologised and bent the knee which is something all Nationalist public representatives seem to avail of at every opportunity when demanded to do so by Unionism.

Other tweets unrelated to Nationalist political parties simply tweeted how Foster bore an uncanny resemblance to comedian Paul Merton, in a wig, Merton in the wig that is. Well, at least he's British!

May, having spent time away from Westminster at an EU war cabinet meeting in Chequers, emerged to announce a ‘3 basket’ approach to future EU negotiations. And in doing so resurrected the idyllic postcard image of an English village grocery store ... in Finchley no doubt. A description once shared by another EU citizen when he described England as a ‘nation of shop keepers’ ... Enough said about the baskets the better!

Meanwhile Barnier and his crew, having decided long ago that the sooner they get rid of the Brits the better, launched into legalising the December agreement and presented it to May irrespective of her 3 baskets approach.

May and with Foster's approval, denounced it as interfering in the sovereignty of the UK and declared that ‘no British Prime Minister could agree to it’ and instead of being face-slapped found herself unnervingly back-slapped by the DUP. Thus reneging on the December deal and proving claims in December by external observers to the deal that given the first opportunity, the ugly head of ‘Perfidious Albion’ would arise.

To drive the momentum on and following on from her repudiated landmark speeches at Lancaster House and Florence, at Mansion House, Theresa announced in her speech that Britain’s position post Brexit, economically, would not be very favourable indeed and in usual Brexit style further clarified that this unfavourable position would be met by the EU fulfilling of five tests set by her and her war cabinet: “What I set out in the five tests are the five tests I will be setting,” ... totally clear!

Continuing in true Brexit style, she then hastily retracted and declared that the five tests may not indeed be five tests but could increase or decrease in number, not substance, but all that was dependent on what is finally agreed. She finished off with a, look, never mind, let's just get on with it....hurrah!

Nevertheless, a speech most welcomed by the DUP and a few Tory Remainers who, even though she should have said that 18 months ago now felt that she should be given a chance!

The speech, politely and diplomatically acknowledged by Barnier, was dismissed by Verhofstadt as more waffle and also welcomed and simultaneously dismissed by Varadkar and Coveney.

Armed with Arlene's, sorry, Theresa's speech, The DUP on the heels of Sinn Féin departed for Europe to meet Barnier and under no uncertain terms let him know full well what they thought of his legalising the December deal.

Sinn Féin on the other hand, armed, sorry, unarmed with their new leader, Mary Lou, headed off to the EU and met with Barnier for an auld banter which by all accounts went rather spiffingly.

On the other hand, the DUP, not realising that they were no longer in a Unionist dominated environment lost their ability to intimidate and slunk away after meekly delivering their ‘No Surrender’ to Barnier who politely listened and then told them to bugger off.

And so, as Carlos ‘the heckle’ Puigdemont joins Alexis Tsipras on the spineless leaders bench of Europe, by declining the offer of leader of the Catalan assembly while in exile, as Kim Jung offers the USA a radioactive olive branch, as Vladimir Putin announces to the world an unstoppable long range nuclear missile, as Syria descends in to an even deeper cesspit of death and destruction and all at the hands of a Western crusade, and as Theresa prepares the British public for a no deal Brexit solution we can rest easy in our beds knowing that Deputy Dodds and the gang at Westminster are at some point in the Brexit negotiations about to be pissed on from a very great height by Theresa and her war cabinet!

Sean Mallory is a Tyrone republican and TPQ columnist 

Share This:

Anthony McIntyre

Former IRA prisoner, spent 18 years in Long Kesh. Free Speech advocate, writer, historian, humanist, and researcher.

No Comment to " Would The Real Paul Merton Please Stand Up "

  • To add an Emoticons Show Icons
  • To add code Use [pre]code here[/pre]
  • To add an Image Use [img]IMAGE-URL-HERE[/img]
  • To add Youtube video just paste a video link like