If Only They Had Been Around

Thomas Dixie Elliot with some biting satire on the current "crap" of rebel leaders. 
Dixie Elliot is a former H-Block blanketman.

"I am sorry for the hurt experienced by members of British military forces and civilians during the war..." - Declan Kearney Sinn Fein.


If Marty had been in the GPO...

Easter Monday 1916 somewhere inside Dublin's GPO...

Declan Kearney, a member of the IRB, has made his way down a darkened staircase to the cellars. Searching each of the dank rooms he eventually finds Commandant Martin Pacelli McGuinness. An old Tilley Lamp casts just enough light to show the expression of surprise on Commandant McGuinness's face as Kearney enters the room.

M McG: “Don't creep up on people like that. You scared the shit out of me! I thought it was the bloody British!”

DK: “But Commandant McGuinness I was calling out your name surely you heard me?”

M McG: “Why didn't you just shout my name out the front door and let them know I'm a Rebel?”

DK: “That would be unwise if I may say so. Can I get you anything Sir? Like a gun perhaps?

M McG: “Never mind that. Get out there and apologise to the British Military for the hurt experienced during the Rising.”

DK: “Commandant McGuinness Sir, surely you realise that The Rising hasn't even started yet?”

M McG: “Then what was all that shooting about?”

DK: “What shooting Sir? I only heard O'Rahilly's car back-firing.”

M McG: “It hasn't started yet? Then this is a convenient time to draw up a letter of surrender. I'll advise Commandant Pearse that we surrender now in order to prevent further loss of lives.”

DK: “But no one's been shot yet. As I said....”

M McG: “Hand me your weapon lad!”

DK: “Er. OK.”



If Gerry and Marty had been around in 1916 instead of today....

Easter Monday morning, 24th April 1916, outside The GPO. Patrick Pearse has just finished reading the Proclamation and turns to James Connolly.

Pearse: "Where are Commandants Adams and McGuinness? They should be here."

Connolly: "McGuinness sailed to America this morning to brief Washington on the situation."

Pearse: "And what about Adams?"

Connolly: "He's gone over to America as well. To do a bit of fund-raising he claims."

Pearse: "But the bloody Rising is starting now. What the hell's he doing fund-raising in America?"

Connolly: "That's what I thought. He told Thomas Clarke that we needed the money to pay for McGuinness's trip to America."

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Anthony McIntyre

Former IRA prisoner, spent 18 years in Long Kesh. Free Speech advocate, writer, historian, humanist, and researcher.

5 comments to ''If Only They Had Been Around"

  1. Biting and brilliant - political satire at its best

  2. Shish Dixie ... Big Jarry is singing.

    What's he singing? ... ah yes, got it now.

    The Rhinestone Cowboy

    "... Where hustle is the name of the game
    And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain

    There's been a load of compromising
    On the road to my horizon

    But I'm gonna be where the lights keep shining on me ..."

  3. Surely Commandant Marty McG would have been on the other side of the street encouraging Irish men to go to France and fight for King & Country, given how friendly he is with the royals....

  4. Singing satire Henry Joy - now I can't get that tune out of my head!

  5. Brilliant!


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