Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups For 2017

As we’ve now crashed into January 2018, controversial political commentator Dr John Coulter uses his Fearless Flying Column today to unveil the winners of his now annual Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups for 2017.

Northern Ireland’s ‘Big Two and Tiny Three’ along with Christendom’s Judgemental Tubthumpers (JTs) have swept the boards at the 2017 Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups’ awards ceremony.

The results deadline was slightly delayed in case – after almost 12 months of messing about – we got a deal at Stormont which would see the power-sharing Executive back in business helping the people of Ireland in their daily battles against poverty, illness and austerity.

But sadly as with so many deadlines last year, rumours abound not of a breakthrough, but of a break-in at Parliament Buildings as folk supporting the minor parties wanted to stage a coup and set up their own Executive without the Dupers and Shinners.

In spite of the ridiculous stalemate, sabre rattling and election rhetoric, the DUP still runs off with the prestigious ‘Burn Rubber Cup’ for using the RHI scandal as the perfect political smokescreen for not wanting to implement cuts.

Scandalous rumours that funding for the Fearless Flying Column was included in the Westminster millions deal between the Tories and the DUP are, of course, totally untrue.

I should mention that the Orange Order finished runner-up in the ‘Burn Rubber Cup’ for opposing an Irish Language Act, which could have seen thousands of pounds pour into the coffers of Orange Halls to set up Irish lingo classes.

Sinn Fein clearly walked away – via its traditional route – with the ‘What An Asshole Award’ for not allowing its seven Westminster MPs to take their seats in the House of Commons and herald in a Labour Government under Jeremy Corbyn.

The 10 DUP MPs beat the Shinners to that political coup with their pact with the Tories. Mind you, if the Conservative Government succumbs to May Madness (General Election, not its leader I mean!) as a result of the Tory civil war over Brexit, then those DUP MPs will be donning their red ties, proclaiming a socialist revolution and joining JC (not our Lord) in 10 Downing Street. Long Live the Downing Street Soviet!

The famous Top Tit Trophy is won jointly this year by the Ulster Unionist Party and the SDLP, which after losing all their MPs in the Westminster poll, both parties still believe they are relevant forces in Northern Ireland politics.

The word is that both parties are already preparing to defend their Top Tit Trophy in 2018 on a ‘Vote Radical Moderate, Get A Merged Fine Gael’ ticket.

This year sees the emergence of a new trophy kindly sponsored by the European Union’s emergency divorce fund – The Dog’s Bollox Cup. Skipping away with this inaugural award are Emperor Leo and Superman Simon from Leinster House. Both lads came up with the brilliant election strategy – let’s pretend to be more republican than the Shinners!

With nobody wanting to get into bed – politically I must emphasise – with anyone from the Sinn Fein TD cohort returned after the expected Dail general election this year, Fine Gael and Fianna Fail are both running about with their colouring-in crayons stressing that they are the respective dark green party which can deliver Irish unity.

Sounds like they are more in line for the notorious Gobshite Cup as both parties will see themselves – and what’s left of the Republic economically - severely buggered (politically I mean!) by Brexit.

And speaking of the Gobshite Cup, I know Leo and Simon were aiming for a double win along with the Top Tit Trophy with all their talk about using the British Irish Intergovernmental Conference as a decision-making body on the North should Stormont formally fold, but do they seriously want DUP MPs making decisions on the running of the Republic? This is 2018 – not 1985 when republicans could get away with the Maryfield Secretariat stunt.

The Gobshite Cup goes this year to all of Christianity’s Judgemental Tubthumpers – the hated JTs! These are people in churches who spew out gossip about people and don’t care if there’s any legal foundation to what they are saying – ‘sod the defamation laws’, seems to be the motto of many JTs.

Many of them, too, need to remember the advice from the Good Book which tells you to take the beam out of your own eye before you start taking the mote out of someone else’s.

Having said that, 2018 sees me clock up 40 years in journalism and the JTs still remain my biggest source of tip-offs about scandals, sleaze, and smears bouncing around the pews of various churches – most of it unprintable, but highly amusing to listen to!

Oh, I almost forgot the Alliance Party! How stupid of me! It gets the Piss-Up Cup for putting on the best fund-raising coffee mornings, wine and cheese parties and BBQs of all the political movements in Northern Ireland.

As we move through 2018, I want to thanks all the folks who comment on my columns – good or bad as I’m a passionate believer in freedom of speech and freedom of expression! – as well as the legions of sources in political parties, churches and other assorted bodies who pass me information.

Winners of Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups can collect their awards by contacting him via Twitter
@JohnAHCoulter

John Coulter is a unionist political commentator and former Blanket columnist.

John Coulter is also author of ‘An Sais Glas: (The Green Sash): The Road to National Republicanism’, which is available on Amazon Kindle.